The title pretty much sums it up. Where do I begin. Okay, Monday through Wednesday I pretty much made it a point to sleep on my daughter's bed even though I had been sleeping on the same bed as my wife for the past week or so. I did this because I felt like I needed to detach and sleeping on the same bed seemed to caused my emotions and expectations to jump off the roof. The thing is, she was for the most part receptive to me sleeping on the same bed so I should have stuck with it.
So Thursday evening I was really missing my wife so I decided to lay down on the bed with her while she was watching TV. She asked me why I was on the bed - that didn't I have studying to do. I told her that I do but that I wanted to make time for her. She told me that she didn't need time and that I should study. I think started to rub her legs when she told me to stop because she had a bruise. I acted like a kid, got up and told her that I guess I've been replaced as I was walking out of the room. Later that evening I went to bed on the same bed as she. She woke me up at around 4 am to tell me that I had solidified why she couldn't trusted me - because I made comments like that. She then went on to tell me that her counselor wants her to do journaling but she can't even do that because she is afraid I am going to start snooping like I did on her phone. I told her that I damaged her so bad and that I was sorry for my mistakes. I told her that I want to be a family and have a marriage but I don't think she will ever forgive me/risk making it work. I told her maybe it was better if I moved out of the house. She told me that would be a big mistake and that she is not the type of person to give up on a marriage that easy.
I ended up leaving work early that day as I was so depressed that I couldn't function. She called me and told me that she wanted to know why I had change - that I know the reason why and that I needed to tell her. I told her that there was no Demascus moment -that I was miserable with my life and that I realized that I had failed in life by neglecting my family. She didn't believe me and told me that I better text her the truth. I asked her if she would like to come with me to see my counselor and perhaps the counselor could help me better explain to her why I changed. She responded by saying "I guess"
That same evening my daughter had a girl's scout sleepover at the zoo. When I got home from work (I had left early), I was so depressed that I cried and feel asleep. When my wife got home, I was still getting everything ready (packing clothes, air mattresses, etc) that she got real mad at me because we were suppose to leave at 4:30 and I had only packed about 80%. She told me that I was irresponsible, knew we had to leave at 4:30 and that I should have been ready when she got home. That lead to an argument. At first I was apologizing but then she stated making comments like "that is a stupid question" when I asked if she needed a particular item. I told her that she didn't have to be mean and she responded by saying that I was mean to her for 10 years so I have no right to complain.
We stopped by a restaurant by the zoo and she noticed that I had called her when we were driving. She asked why did I call and I responded by saying that I wanted to see if her phone rang when I called. That lead to another argument with her telling me that it is none of my business if the phone rings or not and that she was tired of my manipulation and control. I told her that it was important that people be able to reach her and that is why I was checking. Ahh, what an idiot I am.
I started to cry and when we got to the parking lot - I told her that I didn't want to go to the zoo anymore - that I was a mess. She told me that I was so and that I wasn't going to miss out on my daughters event like I have for the past 10 years. I told her okay but if can at least be civil and acted like we are married. She responded by telling me that we are not married and that we have never had a marriage because I was a lousy husband.
Once the event started, things settled down and actually ended up having a good time. This morning I brought them a couple of zoo t-shirts and we ended up going to the mall. When we got to the parking lot, she had opened up a weight watcher letter that she had been waiting for. I asked he what it said and she told me it was none of my business and that I needed to stop snooping away. I got upset and told her that she didn't have to be so rude - that I was just asking a question. She got further upset with me and told me that she was just going to drop me off at the house. I started to beg,plea, etc for her not to - that I wanted to spend time with the family, etc. That made up further upset with her telling me that I never wanted that in the past.
After she dropped me off, I made all the DB NO-NOs. I texted her, I called her numerous times, left voice messages, etc. It was pathetic - I was a mess crying the whole time.
At this point, I think I pretty much blew any chance I had of saving this marriage. I was so looking forward to this weekend. I felt like it was a good opportunity to show her that I am serious about being a family man and instead it all went down to crap. I reacted instead of acting with intention. I allowed my emotions and my neediness and my wanting to rush things along to get the best of me. I became my old self and all I did was justify why my wife cannot trust - that I haven't changed at all.
At this point, I don't know what to do. I can start over, go back to the Sandi rules, and see what happens. A part of me thinks that I need to just move out of the house and get an apartment or something. My wife and I are both so damaged and messed up in the head that no progress is being made. I want her to be able to journal and work on herself but she tells me that she feels she can't with me being there. At the same time, she told me that leaving would only confirm the trust issues that she has towards me. I am lost - any advice here? Did I really blew it and should just get a divorce now? I so badly want to save this marriage but it seems so hopeless.
