Devastated

[planet]

I should probably qualify "everyone" as my family (out-of-state), a few close friends (5?), and my regular doctor (GP). My therapist knows everything I know, but he accepts and understands my choice. "Everyone" else may be sympathetic and believe they are helping, but DB/DRing goes against their advice as much as it goes against my instinct. For them, I am not really moving on unless I start seeing other people, something I cannot even consider right now.

I understand what you are going through. I think most LBS here are facing more or less the same thing.
Seeing someone else while you are still 'grieving' is not going to make things better for yourself or whoever you are seeing. Most people around us do not seem to understand this.
Be strong.

[lovethehub]

For example, she tells me she is not what I want, that I need to find what I want.

She tells you that you are not what she wants and YOU need to find what you want, or she needs to find what she wants? Can you give some other examples, maybe including the conversation?

The whole thing is absurd.

Why is it absurd? That may be how you feel about it but it doesn't seem to be the way she feels.

I looked back at the beginning of your thread but it doesn't really state specifically what the issues were (generalizations about finances, stress,etc) so I am not sure what made your W feel she needed to move on. Prior to BD did she tell you what she needed from you? Hint? Cry? Get angry? There is usually some type of communication from the WAS about what they need. However, as MWD says in her book, this usually stops long before BD. Not because they are happy but because they have given up on trying to make things better and no longer believe it is possible. Then, they try to stay as long as they can (and you think things are okay because they have quit complaining)until one day they can no longer bear how unhappy they are. Then you, the LBS, feels blindsided.

Or she says I don't really love her. I hope it is bad mind reading on my part, but I can't help but wonder if she isn't really speaking about herself.

I can't say for sure but I would have to assume she is speaking about how she felt in your M. The she is telling you that you made her feel as if you didn't love her, not about herself.

[Mimi00]

1. When my wife tells me what I want/need or what I am willing/not willing to do, what is the proper way to respond? Should I validate her feelings while avoiding confirming her beliefs? Sounds tricky, especially when the discussion may be unexpected and moving rapidly (her pace, not mine). For example, she tells me she is not what I want, that I need to find what I want. The whole thing is absurd. Or she says I don't really love her. I hope it is bad mind reading on my part, but I can't help but wonder if she isn't really speaking about herself.

I'm not a vet, but my H has said some of the same things. In our last R talk, months ago, he told me I can do better than him, I can go find someone who doesn't smoke (my ONLY big issue with him). He told me I deserve better (I responded that I already think he's better and one day he'll be the best [after he gets through his issues]). He said he's damaged.

My assumptions: I believe part of the BD for certain WAS's may have to do w/ their own self-esteem issues. They think that they are "messed up" so why would anyone want to be with them and they know there are things they need to work on, and they want to work on them alone w/o any other "responsibilities", hence leaving the M.

Or it could be their way to make you feel "better" as if it's not all your fault, and possibly hope that you'll agree and say "Yeah, I can do better than you, you're right. Let's divorce." thus making separating "easier" on them.

2. What is everyone's wedding ring sitch? My wife stopped wearing hears since BD and it upsets me, but I have never said anything. I continue to wear mine and I know she notices. It means something to me.

My H start wearing his on a necklace, then it disappeared completely, he probably trashed it. When he was around I'd where it to show I still have hope, but he's no longer in the same city as me, so I don't wear it anymore.

[Dragon Heart]

She tells you that you are not what she wants and YOU need to find what you want, or she needs to find what she wants? Can you give some other examples, maybe including the conversation?

She said to me, "I'm not what you want. You should find what it is you want." I'm assuming she feels she is not want because I have not made her feel that way.

Why is it absurd? That may be how you feel about it but it doesn't seem to be the way she feels.

What is absurd is all the mind reading she has done and that she believes she knows what I want/need/love despite my words and actions to the opposite. I could have moved on, but I have stayed, waited, gone to therapy, worked on changing our conversations and interactions because she is all that I want/need/love.

I looked back at the beginning of your thread but it doesn't really state specifically what the issues were (generalizations about finances, stress,etc) so I am not sure what made your W feel she needed to move on. Prior to BD did she tell you what she needed from you? Hint? Cry? Get angry? There is usually some type of communication from the WAS about what they need. However, as MWD says in her book, this usually stops long before BD. Not because they are happy but because they have given up on trying to make things better and no longer believe it is possible. Then, they try to stay as long as they can (and you think things are okay because they have quit complaining)until one day they can no longer bear how unhappy they are. Then you, the LBS, feels blindsided.

Prior to BD (more than a year) there were occasional moments when I would find her crying. It upset me to see her sad. I held her and asked her why she was so unhappy. She responded that she didn't know. I asked her if there was anything I could do to make her feel better and she flatly responded, "No." Once or twice I asked her if she thought therapy might help and she would get extremely angry and state that she was not crazy. (I have never suggested that she is.)

Part of my confusion is that she has only provided bits of information and nothing that might represent clear issues. Knowing what I know now, I believe she felt controlled for many reasons. I thought our discussions often ended with compromise, but she felt I won and she lost. Increasingly, it seems she acted as though she had no opinion when in fact she was keeping it to herself because she felt her opinion did not matter. As an example, she felt her share of the financial responsibilities was more than she could handle and that it prevented her from pursuing a job with greater satisfaction for less pay. I certainly would not have put a few extra dollars over her happiness, but she was mind reading and just believed I would never hear her out. It saddens me that she did not feel like she could express herself or that in words or actions, I somehow made her to feel this way.

I also know that I often did not do my share of the household chores. There is no excuse, but I was on several medications at the time with the most common side effects depression and fatigue. I'm sure this made it seem like she was carrying more than her share of our relationship. My 180 before she moved out and in all the months since is to take care of everything myself, without complaint. I'm even taking care of things we would both neglect.

I will admit that I complained about the lack of sex in our marriage. ML with her was one of the true joys in life, but we went from 1-2 times a week at the start of our marriage to once every 4-8 weeks. I tried all kinds of ways to interest her or to address her needs. I tried asking different ways and at different times, but I was almost always universally turned down. Only when she initiated did we ML. The one time in 13 years I did not respond positively to her overtures, she felt rejected and wounded. She sometimes mentions it when she is defending why we are bad for each other.

I suppose a big elephant in the room was our inability to have children. After years without success, we went to a reproductive specialist. She felt I did not always support her and her treatments. I was crushed when we found out she was not a good candidate for IVF. She believes I blame her. I don't and I have said it repeatedly to her before BD and to those who know us. (Truthfully, I did ask more than once why we did not ML more often if we were trying to conceive. Several doctors said it was a numbers game and more sex always meant better odds.) However, neither of us dealt with the grief. She acted as though it was no big deal while I now realize she was as torn up about it as I was. I thought I was alone in my suffering and I know that hurt our emotional connection.

I can't say for sure but I would have to assume she is speaking about how she felt in your M. The she is telling you that you made her feel as if you didn't love her, not about herself.

You may be right. Last week she stated that she loved me, but that her love was not enough for me. I empathized and told her I'm sorry for anything I did to make her feel that way. I suggested all my words and actions this year have been to demonstrate her love is all that I want. I asked her what she would consider evidence that her love is enough, but she has not replied.

[Dragon Heart]

This thread has reached over 100 posts. My story continues with Devastated II