Devastated

[Mimi00]

1. When my wife tells me what I want/need or what I am willing/not willing to do, what is the proper way to respond? Should I validate her feelings while avoiding confirming her beliefs? Sounds tricky, especially when the discussion may be unexpected and moving rapidly (her pace, not mine). For example, she tells me she is not what I want, that I need to find what I want. The whole thing is absurd. Or she says I don't really love her. I hope it is bad mind reading on my part, but I can't help but wonder if she isn't really speaking about herself.

I'm not a vet, but my H has said some of the same things. In our last R talk, months ago, he told me I can do better than him, I can go find someone who doesn't smoke (my ONLY big issue with him). He told me I deserve better (I responded that I already think he's better and one day he'll be the best [after he gets through his issues]). He said he's damaged.

My assumptions: I believe part of the BD for certain WAS's may have to do w/ their own self-esteem issues. They think that they are "messed up" so why would anyone want to be with them and they know there are things they need to work on, and they want to work on them alone w/o any other "responsibilities", hence leaving the M.

Or it could be their way to make you feel "better" as if it's not all your fault, and possibly hope that you'll agree and say "Yeah, I can do better than you, you're right. Let's divorce." thus making separating "easier" on them.

2. What is everyone's wedding ring sitch? My wife stopped wearing hears since BD and it upsets me, but I have never said anything. I continue to wear mine and I know she notices. It means something to me.

My H start wearing his on a necklace, then it disappeared completely, he probably trashed it. When he was around I'd where it to show I still have hope, but he's no longer in the same city as me, so I don't wear it anymore.