In and out of fog city

[2ndtimearoundCA]

Thanks Jon and bug. That is probably the advice I would have given myself. (Keep it simple stupid: KISS) I am overthinking a bit here. I am trying to work on my validating. I'll get another opportunity.

[labug]

There are lots of validate but it has to come from an authentic place in you. You could rephrase what she says, mirror her feelings or the feeling she seems to be expressing.

In that last example you could say, Oh so you're working the weekend but without the boss.

or,

You sound relieved.

The way you interpret validating sounds a lot like you trying to help or fix and that's not what validating is about.

[2ndtimearoundCA]

So I got the following text from w.

W: Me relax??? That's funny. The only time u have known me to relax is when we were on vacation. That's what I need... A vacation

I could validate with "sounds like you need a vacation" lol

Actually she may be hinting that she would like me to take her someplace. She always needed at least a mini getaway every few months to keep sane. But it doesn't seem like she could take the time right now with her job. We do have a lot of money in flight credit (recall canceled Vegas trip) so it would cost very little in "new" money to go somewhere. Based on recent conversations I think she is ready to spend extended time with me if she could take it off work... Maybe I should take her to Disneyland... The happiest place on earth...

[AnotherStander]

So I got the following text from w.

W: Me relax??? That's funny. The only time u have known me to relax is when we were on vacation. That's what I need... A vacation

I could validate with "sounds like you need a vacation" lol

Validation is about getting to the emotions, getting the other person to open up about how something makes them feel. So a validating response might be "sounds like you're frustrated that you can't take a vacation and relax, is that how it makes you feel?" But keep in mind that you don't have to validate everything she says, it's mainly when she's opening up about emotions/ feelings that you should try to validate. If you see her use words like frustrated, angry, mad, sad, etc. then that's a good opportunity to validate.

[JayMan]

Or, "You sound really stressed, I'm sorry. When do you think things will slow down, and maybe you can get a couple days break?"

I dunno - that sort of lets the vacation talk continue without you flat-out saying, "Hey let's go on vacation together!"

[Ambivalent]

Been reading this thread...

Sounds like you need a vacation, is a bit too much. She just said that.

Simple things like, a vacation...s I g h ...

or

yeah, that'd be nice ...

Nothing that has you entering her life uninvited. Something very short and sweet..

Just you talking about taking her to D L says to me, you are still trying to fix things. Just let her vent.

If she wants to go somewhere, she'll tell you.

I see a lot of dancing going on here. The pursuit and distance thing.

Try being just a tad bit dimmer. A little more elusive. Have either of you started I.C.?

Do you ever do anything other than go to dinner or have drinks? What new activities have you tried? What are you doing to move forward, and give her space to miss you?

[2ndtimearoundCA]

I responded before I got any advice... So maybe not the best response,

Me: U definitely deserve a vacation. I could use a vacation too

We'll see how it goes. Given our recent communication, I don't feel like I am pursuing too much, but I could be. (Recall that she text me on Tuesday looking for sex.)

[labug]

Sooo you need to practice the validating thing (we all do) so use it with anyone, everyone. It can be helpful in all your Rs.

Do you see how you turned her statement of need into something about you?

Women (I know many) often complain that their partner doesn't listen when they want to talk about their feelings. The guy gets uncomfortable with the "feelings" thing, wants to fix it, offers unbidden advice and it then becomes his conversation.

Women do it too, I do, because I'm a fixer, I get paid to make things better so it's hard to drop that when I get home. I've learned. Other people's problems are their problems unless I'm getting paid to help or they specifically ask for help.

[2ndtimearoundCA]

I will work on the validating; it is definitely something I can improve.

Here is what I heard from her text knowing my w

"I laugh in your general direction! Don't you remember who I am?!? You know I can't relax when I'm at home! Now take me on an f$&@ing vacation!"

My w is someone who doesn't know how to stop working and relax. If she stops doing her paid work, she will transition right in to house work. I would work right along with her when she was around. I had a hard time keeping up. The only time she could relax was when we would get away for a few days and we did this often.

If we were together, the right thing for me to do would be for me to take her away for a few days. Given that we are still separated, I am not sure what to do.

Over the past weeks she has talked about missing things that we shared in our life together. She has reached out to me for emotional support. And now recently she has talked about using me for my body... Maybe it is just part of a MLC dance and she will pull away again...

[2ndtimearoundCA]

It's a kid free week and the house feels especially quiet and lonely this morning. I have be living the every other week dad life for the past ten years. The past 7 years I have had my w with me and her kids had been with us (although they are adults now). During the beginning of my separation, I spent most of my off weeks with friends and family. I did a great job GALing during the spring and summer. I have an extremely busy work schedule right now and my GALs are taking a bit of a hit.

I have had no contact with w since Saturday and I seems like a long time because we have been in more regular contact recently. Early on I would go weeks without contact and it wouldn't seem that long.

I continue to struggle with the idea of making myself a little less available. We communicate mostly through text messages and I typically will take about the same amount of time to respond to her texts as she does mine. I am not sure if it even matters who initiates conversations, but I think we are about equal there too.

Ideally I would see w this week when I don't have my kids because scheduling would be much easier. I will probably reach out to her this afternoon to try and set something up... Things seem to be moving forward, albeit slowly. I am not sure if there would be an advantage in waiting for her to contact me and then possibly being unavailable.