so glad you're feelin like "you" again. mighty nice isn't it. i do feel more like me lately than i have in a few years. what a long long haul it's been.
i have to keep reminding myself the several years of misery may not be such a huge payment for allllll those happy years (38!) . hard to keep my eye on the ball here. i wanna be done thanks.
And yay for you with the car negotiations. I do not know why i've never purchased one entirely on my own- just have never BEEN entirely on my own i guess - i know, wierd to say when i'm sooooooooo old-ish. oh well- one of these years my car will croak and i'll have to and i guess i will. ta da.
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Nero, I do agree with you but know what? I no longer feel , with him being so far away, that I need to express my hurt. If it ever came that he wanted back in my life in any significant way, that will be the time. But right now I think it's just a waste of breath. I think it must be harder for those of you with your Hs still in your face all the time.
i get what you're saying- i really do. I FEEL BAD for dawn and all the guys with the mlcer rite in their face - sayin it - allllllll the time. i feel same way about not talking about how you feel. no wonder it's the big ole giant RULE - DON'T SAY IT. just act as if.
i need to get to that place with this junk about my mother's care too. my sisters are killing me- this talkin about it allllll the time. the poor sister in the hot seat at this moment- i don't feel i can shut her off - i sure know how it feels to be resentful about it and stuck doing it - and everyone else is off busy 'HAVIN their life" - idk how this all plays out-
i've been doing it (not talking about it - all) - i swear. he's been waaay nicer lately- the trip to provincetown was good- the dope he can be in general! for some reason he's forgotten what a great travel companion I am and how much fun we always had kicking around lookin here & there. we sure do road trips well together. i guess somehow he got serioysl MISERABLE and since it all was my fault - he thought/thinks he only can have FUUUUNNNN with ow or other people?
honestly- he is crazy- nobody i know is as much fun as me when i'm havin fun . Or as clever as me when i'm not wigging out about something stupid. (i'm still working on that - the emotional icky part of my character) i know- pretty egocentric isn't it?? > i am amazed still he can't see that our r was the best one either of us are ever likely to know of - or participate in. even as messed up as it is now... there ain't many "me s" out there .. oh well- will he ever? who the hell knows that. he's livin in a fools paradise.
- YOU SOUND GOOD and it's very encouraging to hear this morning. i know i am geting more and more "my old self" the more he leaves me alone here. it's just self-defense i guess- you do what you have to and turn back into who you are. i find i'm able to enjoy things that i used to- a year ago nothing in the universe appealed to me - i hated everything - EVERYTHING, even things i liked, nothing at all could give me pleasure - wanted to just burn everything in my whole life - - icky icky icky way to be & feel - never never never going there agian -
sometimes i don't even think of him for day at a time- maybe at bedtime or evening when i'm lonely or come home to an empty house- i try and remember the good stuff about being alone - it's not quite good enough to be bettr than living with someone that cares about you- never will be i think- i'm v.good at compromise and living with a group-
oh well anyway huh?
nice that he's pursuing you a bit. perhaps he is beginning to realize what he's done- & what he's missing in life. one can hope. where it goes - how do any of us know?
I do actually believe whole heartedly with the db spiel in her book that(initially) if these guys feel entirely pushed and panicked about a "choice" they will choose the ow. maybe in the thros of a new addiction...
where it goes "in the end" is anyone's call. there is the un-controvertable fact that they DID CHOOSE to spend allllll those years with us and it wasn't miserable - it was nice, which is what they were doing there. if they ever regain their perspective enough to see it and do something about it- idk.
this business of brain constantly having to override heart/gut is very moldy. i'm tired of "given self "the talk" constantly. i'll be very happy when I never ever have to think again about it- workin is very very good thing rite now for me. glad to be doin it.
i'm workin hard on going about my life and IT not stopping because of him. spent long enough being miserable - i mean MISERABLE. IT STINKS, i guess i keep sayin this so i totally remember how much better i feel now- so it's improving alot - my pma - whether or not i know it all the time.
ta da- so have a wonderful day- yay about the car. it seems like one of life's little victories - successfully buying a new car . short of a house it's one of our biggest purchases in life, rite?
okay- i'm outta here-
have an excellent day- you're sounding mighty good & strong -
