"In a way, you have been given a gift. The ability to change what was a marriage that neither you, your wife, nor God was happy with, into something to celebrate. It will not be easy. It will be the most difficult challenge of your life. Ultimately, however, the best rewards come with sacrifice".
Wow. That's good, Hopeful!
That really takes it to my core.
Thanks.
Vince B M=10 yrs T=13 yrs M45 / H 44 2 Boys 5 & 8 D Day: 7/16/13
I definitely will have to let W know that what she is doing is unacceptable and I won't participate in an open marriage. Then what?
If I'm not moving out, I'll still be allowing her R with OM to continue in my presence. Right?
"Love Must Be Tough" has advice about this, but it is a dilemma. Here are your options as I see them:
1) Ask her to either stop seeing OM or move out. She can decline to do either, then you can decide what you're going to do
2) Ask her to leave the bedroom and sleep somewhere else. If she declines, you leave the bedroom and sleep somewhere else in the house
3) Pursue a "controlled separation" -- consult with your lawyer about your options. In this scenario, you would legally separate, but do it with an eye to reconciling down the line. There's a book that will guide you through how to do this. In this scenario, you move out or she moves out for a predetermined period of time.
4) Pursue an "in house separation" -- parallel lives, same house, not acting as spouses but still co-parents.
In any of these scenarios, you change how you treat her. You do not offer intimacy, you do not tell her how you're feeling or what you're thinking. The less she knows about your mental state the better, make her wonder. You don't make dates with her, you don't do acts of service, you go out and GAL your ass off. You treat her as a friendly co-worker. If she asks you to do her a favor and it's not a major inconvenience, you do it. If it's a major imposition, you don't.
You lovingly detach. i.e. if you are not committed to me as my wife, then you do not get any of the benefits that come along with that. Then, you make those benefits that she is missing compelling through your actions -- you become the man that only a fool would leave, but she is not allowed to have.
The situation [censored] from all perspectives. However, you can get into the driver's seat with regard to your own side of this. You dictate the landscape for yourself.
--Accuray
Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11 Start Reconcile: 8/15/11 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced) In a New Relationship: 3/2015
I see. "Love must be Tough" is on order and shipped today, actually. I'll be delving into it as soon as I can.
So, I'm making my expectationas known, but not enforcing them through continual prodding and aggitating? I get that.
This would also allow me to maintain a "normal" environment for my kids and have the benefit of continuing with my 180's, DBing and self improvement in the presence of W. That's also beneficial.
Vince B M=10 yrs T=13 yrs M45 / H 44 2 Boys 5 & 8 D Day: 7/16/13
In any of these scenarios, you change how you treat her. You do not offer intimacy, you do not tell her how you're feeling or what you're thinking. The less she knows about your mental state the better, make her wonder. You don't make dates with her, you don't do acts of service, you go out and GAL your ass off. You treat her as a friendly co-worker. If she asks you to do her a favor and it's not a major inconvenience, you do it. If it's a major imposition, you don't.
You lovingly detach. i.e. if you are not committed to me as my wife, then you do not get any of the benefits that come along with that. Then, you make those benefits that she is missing compelling through your actions -- you become the man that only a fool would leave, but she is not allowed to have.
In any of these scenarios, you change how you treat her. You do not offer intimacy, you do not tell her how you're feeling or what you're thinking. The less she knows about your mental state the better, make her wonder. You don't make dates with her, you don't do acts of service, you go out and GAL your ass off. You treat her as a friendly co-worker. If she asks you to do her a favor and it's not a major inconvenience, you do it. If it's a major imposition, you don't.
You lovingly detach. i.e. if you are not committed to me as my wife, then you do not get any of the benefits that come along with that. Then, you make those benefits that she is missing compelling through your actions -- you become the man that only a fool would leave, but she is not allowed to have.
BINGO.
Starsky
^^^^Road map right there... Well said Acc!!!
Newman
me40; W43 M18; T~20 D18; S13 & S3 bomb 5/9/11 EA busted 4/30/12; 9/4/12; 4/29/13; 6/10/13 same OM
Separated 4/1/14
"Even a flicker of light will shine through darkness-12/25/2012"....better days ahead.
yes, but question...what about when the he does something with the kids? does he invite the w along? if w does something with the kids, he is supposed to praise her? That feels so fake to me. I am following along this post, hope you don't mind dd
M48 H50 M21 T26 S20 at college),S17,D15-cp, dev. delay- cogniv 5yrs old PA confirmed 7/2012 H separates 9/2012 H move home 2/13& 7/13 lasted 2weeks.ILYNILWY OW still in picture. h filed 10/13
yes, but question...what about when the he does something with the kids? does he invite the w along? if w does something with the kids, he is supposed to praise her? That feels so fake to me. I am following along this post, hope you don't mind dd
Willbwell, Me personally would say no to both questions. It seems pursuing to me. The first one depending on what option, DD chose, I think if his W wants to join him with the kids of course yes.
DD, following up on Acc's great post. The option I chose on my sitch is option 1. Post confrontation, I have told my W that I won't share her with another man and if she wants to pursue OM, that is up to her but under no circumstances that we will live under the same roof. To me, as God intended, a M is commitment between 2 people not 3.
She agreed no contact and to her defense she had tried but the addiction is intense and she backslid. Every time, I called her out on her EA, I called it for what it is and never sugar coated her EA, she promise she will stop every time. That is where my patience come to play cause i know shes trying and DBing (lots of 180s and GALs) for me. I've been standing my M for 2+ yrs, I'd like to think of it as I've busted D so far in 2+ yrs.
As, HS posted once in my sitch, give it another go... So far my W's last EA was in june this yr. that's where I'm at right now, im giving it another go. DBing is doing what works, finding solutions, tweaking as you go and if my W continues with the EA, I am ready to jump on option 3. Because I think option 1 is wearing thin on my sitch.
Just giving you ideas, ultimately the choice is yours and you do what feels right and genuine to you.
Good luck DD and keep us posted.
Newman
me40; W43 M18; T~20 D18; S13 & S3 bomb 5/9/11 EA busted 4/30/12; 9/4/12; 4/29/13; 6/10/13 same OM
Separated 4/1/14
"Even a flicker of light will shine through darkness-12/25/2012"....better days ahead.
Good stuff Newman! WBW, no need to praise her for doing things with the kids. For DD he should announce what he's doing and let her ask to come, which is different from inviting her.
I.e. I'm going down to the corner to get a cup of coffee.
She can ask to join and that's fine. If she doesn't, that's fine too and there was no declined offer.
Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11 Start Reconcile: 8/15/11 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced) In a New Relationship: 3/2015
