WAW served me, 2 weeks in, looking for pointers

[AnotherStander]

Have you read Sandi2's 37 Rules? Read them every day until they're burned into your memory. Live those rules!

We moved out of their house in August and into our own. Her parents did not help us move at all. They did not offer me help.

So? Do you think that's their responsibility? After you had been mooching off of them all that time I bet they were just happy to see you gone. If I were them I would have thrown a party! I hear a LOT of resentment in your posts towards your in-laws. You don't seem to understand that there are two sides to that story, and that THEY have a lot of resentment towards YOU. They expected you to support their daughter, and instead they find her moving back into their house WITH YOU IN TOW and she was working while you had no job and no plan to get out of their house. And to top it off, you knew your W was in close contact with your MIL, and you responded by what? Being increasingly cold and distant to your W. Think about all that, how do you think they should perceive you? Have you been a fantastic, loving, responsible son-in-law? Their attitude comes directly from your behavior! Don't blame them, blame yourself! I'm not trying to beat you up, just help you realize that you've got a lot of work to do on yourself just as most of us did when we came here. And the work can't start until you can really take a critical look at yourself and quit blaming others for your sitch.

Up until the day she walked out, I made her favorite meals, did things she wanted to do, asked her about her day, tried to talk about feelings. I was completely blindsided when I got home from work and she served me papers.

Well you did try, but your timing was all wrong. That helps BEFORE bomb drop, but after bomb drop it is the WRONG thing to do. As you will see repeated often here, once a WAS makes up their mind then they are done and there's nothing that will change that except lots of time and space.

I told her I didn't have eyes for anyone else, she says she doesn't either and starts crying. I give her the extra car keys, work pass, parents house key and try to shake her hand. She asks for a hug, after serving me. I apologize while hugging for past transgressions.

OK, well it's time to stop those things. No more telling her she's the only one for you, no more apologies. Time to buckle down and get serious about DB'ing. Make yourself the spouse only a fool would leave. Confident, self-sufficient, independent, happy, sexy.

I call her a week later and tell her I forgive her for what she did.

What did she do? Do you mean BD? She sees that as her last resort, she had to do it to save herself. If you feel the need to forgive her then do it to yourself, you don't have to tell her to forgive her.

I apologized again for what I did and asked her to try to forgive me.

It's said, now quit saying it. LBSs have a tendency to apologize over and over again, it just makes them look weak and pathetic to the WAS though.

We met for coffee, I told her that I had heard everything she said on the phone, and re-iterated some of her main points to make sure she knew I was listening.

See Sandi's rules. Words mean nothing to a WAS. You've got to show her through actions.

[KdogGS]

How about BEFORE the event?

Before the event, I thought everything was good. We never fought. Sex life was good, but not great. She had a stressful job and a lot of nights I was too busy focusing on drinking instead of making love. I made dinners for her since I got home first. I took care of the house and dog. We got along with each others parents well. We spent time together, we went on dates, we walked the dog together.

She did mention things about alcohol disappearing really quickly once it came into the house. She never confronted me directly about it. But looking back, she had to be concerned.

[KdogGS]

Thanks for your feedback Another Stander.

Have you read Sandi2's 37 Rules? Read them every day until they're burned into your memory. Live those rules!

Yes I have, I implemented them 9 days ago. No contact since then via, phone text or email. I still have not been formally served either, but I don't know what that means if anything.

After you had been mooching off of them all that time I bet they were just happy to see you gone. If I were them I would have thrown a party! I hear a LOT of resentment in your posts towards your in-laws. You don't seem to understand that there are two sides to that story, and that THEY have a lot of resentment towards YOU. They expected you to support their daughter, and instead they find her moving back into their house WITH YOU IN TOW and she was working while you had no job and no plan to get out of their house.
I see what you're getting at with this, but it's a bit off base. I was the one with a 6 figure salary. I made the decision to quit that job and move here for her. I offered to pay her parents rent and utilities, they declined but then made me feel bad when bills came in. I was also the one who saved so we were even able to make the decision. I can tell you if my wife managed the money this would not have been possible. My wife also never backed me up, regardless of the topic. She always sided with her parents, even when my point had merit.

And to top it off, you knew your W was in close contact with your MIL, and you responded by what? Being increasingly cold and distant to your W. Think about all that, how do you think they should perceive you? Have you been a fantastic, loving, responsible son-in-law? Their attitude comes directly from your behavior! Don't blame them, blame yourself! I'm not trying to beat you up, just help you realize that you've got a lot of work to do on yourself just as most of us did when we came here. And the work can't start until you can really take a critical look at yourself and quit blaming others for your sitch.


I realized I made mistakes, and I admitted them to her parents and apologized. I think once they heard the word alcoholic, they were never able to look at me with respect again. While I lived at their house, I cooked dinners, I vacuumed, I cleaned up after meals, etc. I didn't just mooch. I realize I could have done more, but I cant change the past. So I'm looking for ways to improve there as well. I sent them a heartfelt thank you card and check for utilities we used while sharing their home. I tried to mail the card and check right when we moved out, but my wife didn't let me fill out the check until THE DAY SHE SERVED ME. Awful. They cashed it too. Her dad called to thank me for the check and said that they still care about me. It was really awkward.

That helps BEFORE bomb drop, but after bomb drop it is the WRONG thing to do. As you will see repeated often here, once a WAS makes up their mind then they are done and there's nothing that will change that except lots of time and space.
Doing all the nice things was before the bomb drop, for about three weeks before it I was a model husband (in my mind.) I feel like this decision was made months ago, and we just had to wait for 6 months of residency here for her to file which was, wait, you guessed it, September.

In regard to the rest of your responses, I have stopped apologizing, I have stopped contacting her. I'm working on myself. I'm still sober and go to AA weekly. I am going to church. I pray morning and night. I take great care of our dog. I have lost 8 pounds and am lifting and working out each day. I'm reading lots and trying to excel at my job (even thought I don't enjoy it.) she just can't see any of this since she is no longer here. I'm not posting on Facebook.

I am looking for specific actions to take. I am going to continue to stay sober and go to AA, that' priority number one. I am getting baptized this weekend and have found renewed faith. I am considering getting rid of my cell phone, because it's a symbol and reminder of the past. I feel so tied to it, like I cant enjoy the company of other because I have it. I would get a home phone and a prepaid cell for emergencies.

I'm open to other suggestions.

[KdogGS]

Day 10 of no contact- DB'ing is really hard.

I had to delete my Facebook app to keep from going crazy because I kept seeing posts with her tagged in them.

[dbmod]

Great job! This is wonderful self-control!

[KdogGS]

It's day 11. It is so hard to not pick up the phone and call. How long did some of your LRT's take to work? Weeks? Months?

[KdogGS]

Day 12, I finally broke. I came up with some topics that were legit to call her about. So I left her a voicemail outlining the talk. She could have easily texted back the answers. She texts me saying she'll call me later.

She calls and I tried to keep things light and airy. I told her I updated the address on my credit card so when she pays at the pump to use the new zip code. I also asked for her Home Depot card number so I could make some cash payments on it. And I asked her how she was doing on cash. I kept things positive.

So then she asks me a big question, will I sign the waiver of service papers now? How do you tell someone you don't want a divorce without coming right out and saying it. I beat around the bush as best I could, said I was still wrapping my head around it and I needed some more time. She told me that she had formerly called her lawyer and asked to hold off on having me served at my previous request. I thanked her for that, and asked for more time. I'm not sure if I'll get it.

I told her I wanted to keep things light and airy that night on the phone, I wasn't ready for such a deep question. She laughed and we giggled a bit on the phone, I left on a positive note and just said good night.

She did say a few things that caught my attention-

" I was wondering about how that went for you... (regarding an interview I cancelled)
"You sound happy!" She said that and I said thanks I really feel good.
"I pray for you every night"
" I still want a divorce"

So, some good, some bad. Definitely could have gone worse. I cant figure out how to see her in person without pursuing her. I have lost weight, and co-workers already took note and mentioned it to me. I want her to see my positive changes in person. I'm befuddled.

[NoMoreMistakes]

LRT is pretty tough. I'm with you on that. One thing that I have noticed a lot of the vets saying and has helped me out a bit is focusing on the changes in you. It sounds like you are doing that, but little things seem like it is still for WAS. The changes have to be for you, so just keep your focus on that and when she contacts you she will see it is geniue and not a tactic to get her back. Hang in there and keep up the good work.

[JayMan]

I remember 12 days in - it's awful! I'm about 45 days in from BD, and I really feel like I'm just starting to get some control, but even then things will get to me. You've done better than I have on going dark though since you don't have kids.

Keep hanging tough; soon it'll be 20 days, then 30 days, just keep consistent. What are you doing for fun outside of work?

[LBH_LC]

I think at 12 days in I was still curled up in a ball under the covers. So you're doing alright.