Wife moved out, won't come back home

[newton0]

One last thing; I put an add on CL to rent a room since I'm alone in a 4,000' house & she is offering no sign of moving back in. The extra cash would be gravy, though it isn't necessary.

Does that also send the wrong signal?

I'm thinking that it does.

[JayMan]

Djhartm, I know that my W is doing all sorts of stupid stuff that is wrong. An EA, almost a PA (now broken off), going $25,000 in debt in less than 6 months, quitting church/God, a lot of lying, sleeping instead of taking care of kids. I could sit here for hours and tell you all the stuff she did wrong. But one thing that REALLY struck me the other day was the fact that I need to fix ME. The rest of this is my own challenge as well: if we were to reconcile, what would I do differently? What would keep us from being right back split up again in 6 months?

If your W walked in right now, and said, "I love you and I want us to be together" - what would you have done differently to prepare you to build a new and better relationship?

You can only change you. Period. The only thing that is going to possibly bring your W back is for her to see a man worth coming back to. Be that man.

[newton0]

^Yes. I agree. I look back on my posts & see backsliding behavior patterns.

>Must focus on improving self.<

I have made some very big strides including all but eliminating alcohol, which has resulted in weight loss, lower blood pressure, and a more calm feeling (likely interfered with my Effexor).

[AnotherStander]

Does that also send the wrong signal?

I'm thinking that it does.

It depends, is this your ad?

"Wanted, sexy woman to move into my house. Must have a playboy bunny build and be willing to do housework in a skimpy maid outfit."

If so then yes, it might be sending the wrong signal

[newton0]

^AnotherStander LOL! Thanks, I needed that.

Quite an interesting therapy session. I was a few mins late & came in and MADE W kiss me on the lips (she tried giving me the cheek but I grabbed her chin).

Then I sat next to her & stroked her leg (she didn't make any contact with me).

We spent most of the session with the therapist trying to get us to schedule a date, and at one time, W exploded with an angry nonsensical rant about us pressuring her & threatened to leave. (I came very close to leaving as well). Therapist was simply trying to get her to spend some time with me tonight before I leave on a trip for several days.

Eventually she settled down & gave some other dates as possibilities because as it turns out, she wasn't feeling well (had she said that initially, the blow-out could have been avoided).

So we have a date for Tuesday that I am looking forward to.

Outside, I held her and massaged her back, kissed her several times on the lips (she didn't resist), and for us guys, gave her a boob squeeze a time or two. It felt really good just holding her & kissing her hair. I told her I missed her, and that I wanted her to feel better & I loved her. I also said I know we have to take it very slow (therapist said it will be slower than I like), and I have things I need to continue to work on as do we as a couple, but I will keep doing so and be patient.

Ironically, she was mad that I was going away for several days without telling her (she found out through a mutual friend). She tried to shade this as a bad thing were I would plan solo trips and tell her last minute. We talked and agreed that we would tell each other about trips even though we are separated.

Overall I felt much better, at least momentarily on this rollercoaster ride!

[MrBond]

You really haven't learned much have you?

Your W is right in that you've been pressuring her. I mean, c'mon, you MADE her kiss you? Do you honestly think that she found that attractive? That sounded pretty creepy to me.

Especially at the stage you're at, you haven't done anything to show her that you're a changed man. In fact, you've shown her that you're actually pretty selfish and are just going to do what you want to do regardless of how she feels.

[newton0]

^Give it a rest MrB.

[JayMan]

I agree with Mr. B. It almost sounded like some sort of molestation, and I guarantee you it will backfire unless your W is into some odd stuff.

I would caution you to listen to the folks on here that are wise and have made the mistakes before. My W loved hugging me, would just lay her head on my chest and hold me, but she hated the fact that it made her feel something, so what was something good became something she fights now. I could grab her and hug her and probably kiss her, and she probably wouldn't fight me, and she might actually like it, but I guarantee it would set me back weeks.

[newton0]

^"Mulestation"?!?! LOL!

You guys are really distorted when you arrive at a point that you honestly believe kissing your wife is tantamount to molestation.

You heap so much self-guilt on yourselves that I guarantee you, no woman would want such a feeble, self-doubting man so devoid of self-confidence and direction.

And 8k posts, my God, what in the world do you have time to do outside of posting here? Are you even still married?

The effect of my actions were realized by significantly more contact from my wife yesterday evening which I find very positive.

[Pudmuddle]

Seemed to me more like the C was pressuring her to do things more than you were.

I didn't see any negative response from her on what you were doing. I do believe one has to create the core connection before working on any problems. But again that's my viewpoint.