Should I confront or not?

[peaceSJ]

In April my H dropped the bomb and wanted divorce; he claimed he was unloved, unhappy and lonely for so many years. In Sept. I discovered the OW who lives in another city. They met once a month during weekend. I've been in this site for a while and got a little bit confused. Should I confront my H or not? Some said not, but some said do it sooner otherwise their emontional bonding will be deeper and deeper. I have two little kids and we still live in the same house. I don't want our kids to be hurt.
I know H and the OW will meet again soon. Should I tell my H I know it already and stop him?

You inputs and advices are really appreciated. Thank you...

[Starsky309]

In April my H dropped the bomb and wanted divorce; he claimed he was unloved, unhappy and lonely for so many years. In Sept. I discovered the OW who lives in another city. They met once a month during weekend. I've been in this site for a while and got a little bit confused. Should I confront my H or not? Some said not, but some said do it sooner otherwise their emontional bonding will be deeper and deeper. I have two little kids and we still live in the same house. I don't want our kids to be hurt.
I know H and the OW will meet again soon. Should I tell my H I know it already and stop him?

You inputs and advices are really appreciated. Thank you...

Hi Peace,

I'm sorry you're going thru this, and I know how it feels (my own wife had an affair 6 years ago). To say it's "painful" is a terrible understatement.

I'm unaware of any specific DB advice that says not to have a truthful talk with your spouse about their infidelity. I think it's EXPOSURE -- proactively going to other involved parties, and notifying THEM about the affair -- that is against MWD's teaching?

I certainly don't think you're obligated to continue acting like there's nothing going on, nor is it healthy to.

One major note, though: you can't "stop him" from doing ANYTHING. You can't control this. All you can control is YOU, and your own options and choices. But it's certainly to let your husband know what those boundaries are -- i.e., "I will not live in an open marriage . . . it sounds like we both have some decisions to make."

Hope that helps,


Starsky

[Starsky309]

In April my H dropped the bomb and wanted divorce; he claimed he was unloved, unhappy and lonely for so many years.

Did he ever do anything about this threat of divorce? What did each of you do (or not do), specifically, as a result of this bomb-drop convo? Any new arrangements made (for example, sleep in separate bedrooms, or got marriage counseling, etc.), or boundaries drawn?

[peaceSJ]

Hi Starsky, thank you for your reply.
We sleep in seperate bedrooms and went to a marriage counseling togehter once. But my H denied that he has an affair. He claimed our marriage problem is not related to any other person. He also said we're over and marriage counseling will not help. Since I don't want divorce, right now we kind of agreed to postpone our discussion of divorce for one year. But I am not sure one-year delay can do anything... Actually things are getting worse. We do everything seprately now. My H totally closed me out, does not want to involve me anythign with him. We rarely talk to each other except things regarding kids. I can feel the affair become deeper and deeper after they spent more and more time together.

[Starsky309]

But my H denied that he has an affair. He claimed our marriage problem is not related to any other person. He also said we're over and marriage counseling will not help.

Since we're all throwing around stats today, I'll note that about 98.5% of all people caught up in affairs tell their spouses this. It's pure b.s.

What do you believe are his legitimate marital complaints?

[peaceSJ]

If I confront him, I think he will say I told you already I want divorce now and one-year trial is not worth it.

[MrBond]

You said you read DR correct? What things have you done for yourself? You can't concentrate everything you have on just your H. You have to build yourself back up physically, mentally and emotionally to get your confidence back. That would be a great start to getting him back.

[peaceSJ]

I think I am more concentrated on kids and myself now. I even asked H to move out, but he denied becasue he's considering some finance and child custody issues in the furture.

[Starsky309]

If I confront him, I think he will say I told you already I want divorce now and one-year trial is not worth it.

Yes, that could happen.

[Accuray]

he claimed he was unloved, unhappy and lonely for so many years

I'll echo Starsky here -- have you considered his legitimate marriage complaints? He could be making the claim above as WAS script to justify his affair, or it could be true, or it could be some of both.

If it's true and he was not feeling loved, or viewed you as incapable of making him happy, then that's what you've got to focus on showing him, that you are capable of acting differently.

Unfortunately, if he's in an affair, there's not much reason for him to pay attention to your changes.

WRT confronting him, what will it accomplish? The usual result is for the WAS to get extremely angry and distance even more. Sometimes that's worth it for the LBS, however, as they can't tolerate having the WAS believe they are putting one over on them. There is some satisfaction to be had from putting things out in the open and not living with an elephant in the room.

You need to decide if that's worth it to you. If it is worth it, keep the confrontation extremely short and simple. Make no shaming statements, no "how could you do this" type stuff. Just tell him that you know, it's not okay with you, and that you're interested in repairing your marriage if and when he's ready to commit to it, then leave it at that.

Acc