Hello! 20 year marriage teetering... (part V)

[AnotherStander]

Had another awesome weekend, I think I've mentioned before that I fly R/C planes (electrics), I'm pretty heavy into it, even have a couple of designs that are being kitted by a company. There are a couple of big electric events in TX that I missed last year due to my sitch. Not this year! Went to one Saturday morning and had a blast. I see a lot of my R/C buddies at these events, I've known many of them for over 10 years and it's about the only time we see each other. Unfortunately it conflicted with a full-scale antique aircraft fly-in that was also taking place and I had already promised S10 we'd go to that one (we go every year), so I had to cut out at lunch time. Took the kids to a nice lunch and then S10 and I went to the full scale fly-in. Lots of cool planes and a really funky Russian heli were there. Bought S10 a t-shirt for the heli and they let him climb in the belly where the gunners sit. He loved it! D18 came in from college later in the day and we caught up on all her recorded shows Saturday night. Then Sunday the weather was awesome, so S10 and I went for a nice, long motorcycle ride. Then I washed D16 and D18's cars while they were off doing other stuff which tickled them to no end

I reported earlier that W hired a lawyer to prepare the D paperwork. She asked me for some info about 3 weeks ago which I provided the next day. She had originally said she'd have them do the paperwork and then give me a copy. I've seen her several times since and she has not brought it up.

More from the "don't mindread" department- S10 told me that OM yells at the kids a lot, and S10 doesn't like it. He also said OM hasn't been coming over as much.

What does all that ^^^ mean? Nothing as far as I'm concerned, I'm just living my life. I do still fully expect the D paperwork any time, I'm just surprised I haven't gotten it yet as W acted like she was anxious to get it filed a month ago. I'm not in a hurry for it to happen as I'll have to take out a big loan to pay W for her house equity.

Since recovering from mono I still haven't gotten my weight back to where it was pre-mono, but I've fully regained my strength in weight-lifting and in fact am past where I was in reps and weight. I wasn't carrying much fat before but anytime you're in a "bulking" phase you end up carrying some extra fat too. Since the recovery I've been eating better and am staying slimmer at the expense of not putting the muscle weight on as fast, but I like the way I look more. I've resumed my tanning too, I'm not fanatical about it but go enough to keep a healthy glow

AS- Another similarity- my S11 is on meds for ADHD. He is very creative & an awesome, unique boy...I love him for his differences not in spite of them. Anyone who has a child that is full of energy and life is LUCKY!

Bless your heart, you have such a great attitude! S10 is very creative as well, and yes, unique for sure! I never really thought of it as having anything to do with the ADHD but perhaps it does, might be a result of the heightened energy levels?

Am struggling with the whole ideo of dating...my H says to me on Friday at ball game "Hope you aren't considering dating....if you were we'd have to be getting D'ed!" The nerve, I thought!! (Does "hanging out" w cute guy count?? LOL?)

My personal opinion is do it for you if you feel the time is right, and you decide how much of it you want to disclose to H. My W and I have been S'd for over a year and we haven't acted as H and W in that time in any way, shape or form. Coparenting is the only thing we've done jointly. I've been dating and while I don't wave it in her face I don't make any effort to conceal it either. If she said something to me like your H did I don't think I could keep from laughing out loud, the thought of her leaving me and working up D papers and then suddenly telling me dating just wouldn't be right, well it makes me chuckle

[Pudmuddle]

Aaaah, AS. Your stories inspire me to be happy WITH or WITHOUT my H.

Thank you.

[littleGTO]

AS- Your GALs are inspiring!

And, good for you for getting in great shape! I feel it is all about how you FEEL you look, because when you feel good it radiates to everyone around you (although I'm sure you do look good! !)

And,thanks for your support regarding my H's attitude/comments about me dating while we are S. I do hang out with cute guy at times but choose NOT to share this w H (geography of cute guy is not ideal & although they are not friends H does know cute guy, so it would be very awkward).

Great dad moments on your last post!!

[AnotherStander]

I mentioned in the last post that W had not brought up the D in a while, it turns out it wasn't because it wasn't still full speed ahead! She sent me an update email and the paperwork is supposed to be completed next week. In addition, it turns out the petition was already filed over a month ago. In TX there's a 60 day wait (after the petition is filed) before a D can be finalized, little did I know that clock was already ticking away. So we could be D'd in less than 30 days. I felt a twinge of anxiety when I read the email but it quickly went away and the rest of my evening went fine, and I had no trouble sleeping. I've thought about it on and off, but I'm not upset about it. I've mentioned before that I dealt with the emotional fallout from this eventuality already, so now that it's happening it's not really affecting me much. That may change when I'm actually looking at the papers and seeing it in black-and-white, I suspect that'll be emotional. And actually having to go to court and hear a judge pronounce it over, I doubt that's easy either!

As a side note, my W has yet to say one word about the D to me in person. It's all by email, and when I see her she acts like nothing is going on. In fact ever since BD she has never once said the word "divorce". A couple of months ago she said something like she was "ready to move on" and I had to ask her if she meant "divorce" and she said yes. Just seems strange to me.

Aaaah, AS. Your stories inspire me to be happy WITH or WITHOUT my H.

Thank you.

Thanks, I'm glad it's helpful It goes to show that sometimes you can DB your heart out and still end up D'd. But like you say, when you get to the point that you know you'll be happy in life whether it goes on with or without your spouse, then it's a success story no matter what happens

And, good for you for getting in great shape! I feel it is all about how you FEEL you look, because when you feel good it radiates to everyone around you (although I'm sure you do look good! !)

Thank you, and you are so right, it really does make a huge difference in PMA and getting rid of the low self-esteem almost all of us are hit with after BD. The lady I date on and off calls me "the 20-year-old body" which on the one hand makes me feel like a piece of meat but on the other hand makes me laugh every time, especially because she always does this little hip-wiggling fist-pumping dance when she says it

I do hang out with cute guy at times but choose NOT to share this w H

I do the same, I don't try to hide it from W but I don't share it or flaunt it either. I don't date on the weeks I have the kids either, they're dealing with enough as it is.

Great dad moments on your last post!!

Thanks, I do have a lot of fun with the kids! I really miss D18, it's tough just seeing her once or twice a month. Won't be long before D16 is off to college too. Ugh!

[2old]

AS, I just have to tell you how much I have appreciated your input dealing with my sitch (as well as all the others). You obviously have been put "through it" pretty hard and yet, you have the strength and courage to reach out to others. Your insight and knowledge are definately helpful and more so calming. Stay strong and know alot of people are with you here.....

[back56]

AS,

I suspect finalizing the divorce may actually be harder on your wife than on you because of all the work you have done. Many here have said it, but when it gets down to it, it really is just a piece of paper. I am not minimizing the angst that goes with this. You have been an inspiration to us all and continue to be. You are walking the talk and it is paying off.

In some weird way finalizing things can feel like some weight has lifted from the situation. This was true for me. My D was finalized this past July. I don't know how to explain it exactly. I think it is the only way my ex could really begin to do his work. He is not happy or relieved now. He told me last night that he is trying to learn how to forgive, including how to forgive himself. (Before this was seen as weakness for him). At any rate, my point is that maybe it will take this step for your wife to really fully comprehend that leaving your marriage did not fix her. She may not have been able to convince herself of this in any other way.

You are doing great. And you are very helpful to others. Stay your course. I think you have more chapters in your story with your wife.

Back56

[Cadet]

AS,

I suspect finalizing the divorce may actually be harder on your wife than on you because of all the work you have done. Many here have said it, but when it gets down to it, it really is just a piece of paper. I am not minimizing the angst that goes with this. You have been an inspiration to us all and continue to be. You are walking the talk and it is paying off.

In some weird way finalizing things can feel like some weight has lifted from the situation. This was true for me. My D was finalized this past July. I don't know how to explain it exactly. I think it is the only way my ex could really begin to do his work. He is not happy or relieved now. He told me last night that he is trying to learn how to forgive, including how to forgive himself. (Before this was seen as weakness for him). At any rate, my point is that maybe it will take this step for your wife to really fully comprehend that leaving your marriage did not fix her. She may not have been able to convince herself of this in any other way.

You are doing great. And you are very helpful to others. Stay your course. I think you have more chapters in your story with your wife.

Back56

^^^^^ Wisdom

To steal from Starsky

[AnotherStander]

2old, thank you! I've never thought of my words to others as "calming" but if they are then I am quite pleased to hear that

Back56- great post! Yes you're right, I'm sure this is no picnic for my W and I need to be mindful of that. It's easy to focus "too" much on me and forget that this isn't exactly a party for her either. And it certainly is possible that this could change her perception of the M. It will no doubt take some pressure off, she will finally have "what she wants" although that may not be what she thinks it will be.

Cadet, thanks for stopping by, I think it was you that said in another thread that most of us are divorced at BD, we just don't realize it yet. I think that's how I feel about it, maybe that's why I don't feel upset now, because I feel like the "real" D happened a long time ago.

[T1000]

As a side note, my W has yet to say one word about the D to me in person. It's all by email, and when I see her she acts like nothing is going on. In fact ever since BD she has never once said the word "divorce". A couple of months ago she said something like she was "ready to move on" and I had to ask her if she meant "divorce" and she said yes. Just seems strange to me.

Dealings with my W via email, text or in person are all like it's different people for each one.

Our last interaction before today was an angry email. Today in person it's like it had never happened.

[T1000]

AS,

This lady that you date on and off, strange question but I'm intrigued, do you ever discuss your M with her?
Do you ever talk about the changes you have made in your life because of what has happened?