Looking for New Options If H Wants Divorce

[25yearsmlc]

L and discover a better version of me.

But the rules are:

I need to re examine the 180 rules

I need to GAL like you - how many things did you become involved with 25yearsml?


I did all of the things I listed, and more. It really helped in so many ways. And I looked good b/c getting in shape was a big part of it at the start.

I cannot over stress the GAL part about DBing and life in general. Otherwise we are spectators. IF we don't Get A Life, we don't have a life.

Imagine your life were a novel. Who is writing it? You want to be the author of your life, right?

So how do YOU want the next chapter to go? How do you want your book/life flow? AUTHOR IT YOURSELF.

I will be realistic in my temperament and carefully when I speak with him.

Did purgatory ever get back with her H and how are you?

I don't recall if Purgatory got back with her h but I witnessed a ton of change in her and that's what inspired so many. She became a happier woman, no matter what else happened.

A lot of this is about creating our own happiness and NOT expecting or demanding our spouses do so. Or blaming them for our own unhappiness.

A man named Crimson is similar, though his wife and he are still divorced but they talk more and I can't say they are really over. But HE IS A BETTER MAN for this ordeal. That means something.

KeepGoing's thread is also inspiring b/c she is a changed, better woman, AND a better mother than before.

I like to think I am a better person for all this. YES my h and I reconciled as you can see in the signature block.

I don't think we'd have lasted however, without getting NEW TOOLS and that is what we did at Retrovaille, and a workshop we had attended years earlier, called "Essential Experience", which were both life changing.

I think many couples reconcile too fast and without the NEW WAYS of behaving and new ways of communicating that are mandatory to have a better marriage.

We all get complacent at times and let ourselves off the hook too much.

Sometimes way too much. We have to be wary and we have to start realizing that if most of our conversation with our spouse is negative, that is a dangerous place to be.

I am amazed at how many men bully their wives and don't realize it,

and I am amazed at how many women withold sex or affection from their h's b/c they somehow think that they'd be "rewarding" bad behavior

as if being cold to their h's encourages loving behavior....

and I was one of those. I got a DB coach who resonated with me and that's probably the single best thing I did along with coming here.

But it's not all. I did a lot of praying, reading and GAL and over hauling myself. I examined a lot of things in me I did not care for and started replacing behaviors I wanted to change, with new ones.

And my life and I let go of my m and my h. I accepted that it was over as it was, and that I needed to be in charge of MY life.

It was incredibly freeing after being stuck in a frozen panic of fear.

To know that I really was going to fine, regardless....and my kids loved me and we were all pretty healthy.

A lot worse things happen in this world than having a marriage end.

NO one is shooting at me, denying me the right to vote or work, no one is raping my daughters or enlisting my son in a rebel army or declaring how we are to pray or if we can. I have electricity and a refrigerator with food in it, and health care.

A ton of women don't...in fact, most women in the world do NOT have the above^^.

I put things in perspective and GAL big time. And when I let go of h, and made myself happy with or without h,

creating MY future in a way that felt good to me, I was getting pretty happy.

And my h wasn't. In a nutshell, I think that's what happened. He realized he was alone and not in a better place.

I happened to be in a better place and I also felt that the life I had here with our children,

contrasted with what he had created. I wasn't sure I wanted back in.

So I suggest you do that as well. Contrast what your h thinks he is leaving,

ie a negative woman who harps or resents, with a new, optimistic you. Hence the 180s.

In our case, I let my h feel the warmth and loving home here contrast with the lonely life he had created on the Last Frontier.

And we are together.

Since you don't have kids I won't go into that issue but there are complexities that go with bringing them with you on the reconcilation route. IN any event, good luck,

work on YOU and don't focus on his flaws. That's not going to get you anywhere for now.

If you feel it's really over and you are staring at your loss THEN FINE go ahead and get real about him.

Examine his flaws and acknowledge that SOME things are going to be better without him. Watching chick flicks and not having the toilet seat up, are small things but you can imagine bigger ones.

Point is, sometimes being negative helps you feel a little better b/c you realize you are not losing THE PERFECT H...

and if you are losing a perfect man, so be it. Learn from that lesson and don't repeat it.

We are all flawed humans with faults. We all make choices that we are not proud of later, at some points in our lives.

LEARN FROM them and that means CHANGING US.

Good luck