Yes I have noticed the discrepancy. But if you read it with a mind as if this could be anyone, it reads the same.
I did see a few links under the one I sent you that referred to women as well, just gotta dig a little. One was from a woman who went through MLC and it was her perspective on what a jerk she was.
Me:49 H:47 S: 16 T:27 M:25 My EA: 2001 His PA: 10/2007, 6/2013 Separated, but H still in house
Find your Shambala: a place of peace and happiness.
Am I doing the right thing? I know DB/DR is counter intuitive. With the divorce filed, I have stopped initiating any contact. I'm not going dark, I have to work with my wife, but I do wait for her to come to me or initiate. When she does, I respond like a friend, positive and light. I do not bring up our R as much as I yearn to talk about things. She does initiate from time to time, but it is always about work. Nothing essential to our jobs, more like gossip and FYI. She has called once to talk about R. She gas stopped by the house with the intention of talking about R, only to keep the conversation about work.
I am not blocking the D process, but I told my attorney I did not want to find out how efficient the legal system could be. I hope that time and the consequences of D might at least bring about the conversations we should have been having. I want to believe we still share some connection that has not been completely forgotten. I am working on not having any expectations, but it feels like a very lonely place.
I'm so tired of everyone in my life telling me to move on. Today my doctor told me I'm not who she wants. That I can find someone younger, prettier, and nicer. Is this some line meant to comfort people? I have literally heard the same thing from several people, some of whom don't even know we're separated and divorce is pending.
Yes, that all sounds good. Just communicate with her like you're a "friendly neighbor". Don't help with the D, but don't block it either. Sounds like you're on the right track
Regarding people telling you to move on, they do have good intentions. They want you to be happy, and they think that moving on is the path to happiness. Don't let it detract you from the journey that YOU want to be on, just thank them for their thoughts and hold to your path.
I was going to say exactly what AS said...Ok, ok not exactly. AS has a way with words!
But I was going to say please don't let other people stop you from the path you want to choose. Be true to Dragon and stand for it. Tell those people it's not what you want and hopefully it will put a stop to them saying that.
Me:49 H:47 S: 16 T:27 M:25 My EA: 2001 His PA: 10/2007, 6/2013 Separated, but H still in house
Find your Shambala: a place of peace and happiness.
I agree with the others. Decide what you want to do and don't let anyone else try to change your mind.
Perhaps you could find someone younger, prettier, etc. But at a certain point you need to make a choice and a commitment and be happy with your choice.
I think that once you get married, you chose that person for life and there is no use in wondering if you could have found someone different/better. You can never be happy if you're always second guessing yourself.
I'll cut my rant short, but just do what you feel you need to do. People want us to be happy and they want it to happen quickly. Not many people are willing to put in the effort to discover what will truly make them happy long term.
M36 XH34 M-5 T7 4/11 H confused 5/11 ILYB 6/11 OW discovered 7/11 I move out, OW over 5/12-OW2,done->new EA, but H wont file 9/12 H "best bf ever" to EA/OW3 3/13 H/OW break up H files 4/13 D 6/18/13
Thanks for all the words of support. For me, my wife still holds domain over my heart and I am not ready to give up on us. In our 13 years together, I have not once wanted to be with someone else or thought I could do better than her. Because of her, I see people as packages, not parts. There will always be someone younger, prettier, nicer than any of us, but what is the total package?
I only wish my wife felt the same way. She seems to think that she could never be happy with me, but thinks someday there might be someone she could be happy with. I know what you are going to say, don't believe anything she says. It is so difficult to function without open and honest information.
It is hard enough to fight our relationship instincts or to keep our suffering hidden, but to have to explain to everyone else our choice just adds to the difficulties we face.
Why do you think they tell you this: "I'm so tired of everyone in my life telling me to move on."
Please notice that English/American isn’t my native so I might come off wrong! No harsh wording is intended! I am familiar with your story but not into depth. You have received so much good advice from VETs and therefore I am not even going to try that, but it still hits me “Why do they tell you this?”
If everyone is telling you to move on then everyone knows that you haven’t? That either means, that you talk about your sit to “everyone”, or that “everyone” reads you like an open book. I “” everyone, because off course you don’t do that but people talks – even the ones we trust!
I might be totally wrong but if this is the perception of “everyone” – how do you believe your W perceives it? No need for an answer but do give it a deep thought! When doing this add in PMA, Act as if and Sandi’s advices…..
All the best!
F
P.S. I also agree with others: What anyone or everyone tells you doesn’t matter. What matters is you! But people telling you what to do is caring or concerned people so cherish them but make the calls and the judgment yourselves.
Me:44 W:43 D7, D5 (S11 from other R)
T: 8y - not M ILYB: 8. Mar 2013 W moved: 1. Aug 2013 LRT: 20. Aug 2013 _______________________________ Do or do not – there’s no try.
Why do you think they tell you this: "I'm so tired of everyone in my life telling me to move on."
Please notice that English/American isn’t my native so I might come off wrong! No harsh wording is intended! I am familiar with your story but not into depth. You have received so much good advice from VETs and therefore I am not even going to try that, but it still hits me “Why do they tell you this?”
If everyone is telling you to move on then everyone knows that you haven’t? That either means, that you talk about your sit to “everyone”, or that “everyone” reads you like an open book. I “” everyone, because off course you don’t do that but people talks – even the ones we trust!
I might be totally wrong but if this is the perception of “everyone” – how do you believe your W perceives it? No need for an answer but do give it a deep thought! When doing this add in PMA, Act as if and Sandi’s advices…..
All the best!
F
P.S. I also agree with others: What anyone or everyone tells you doesn’t matter. What matters is you! But people telling you what to do is caring or concerned people so cherish them but make the calls and the judgment yourselves.
F, I appreciate what you are getting at. I should probably qualify "everyone" as my family (out-of-state), a few close friends (5?), and my regular doctor (GP). My therapist knows everything I know, but he accepts and understands my choice. "Everyone" else may be sympathetic and believe they are helping, but DB/DRing goes against their advice as much as it goes against my instinct. For them, I am not really moving on unless I start seeing other people, something I cannot even consider right now.
So I could use some insight/advice from more seasoned members.
1. When my wife tells me what I want/need or what I am willing/not willing to do, what is the proper way to respond? Should I validate her feelings while avoiding confirming her beliefs? Sounds tricky, especially when the discussion may be unexpected and moving rapidly (her pace, not mine). For example, she tells me she is not what I want, that I need to find what I want. The whole thing is absurd. Or she says I don't really love her. I hope it is bad mind reading on my part, but I can't help but wonder if she isn't really speaking about herself.
2. What is everyone's wedding ring sitch? My wife stopped wearing hears since BD and it upsets me, but I have never said anything. I continue to wear mine and I know she notices. It means something to me.
3. It won't be long before the holidays are here. What would be DB/DR? Mail her a card? A gift? Do nothing? Call her on Christmas and just wish her a nice day?
