A year and a half in... why is this still such a damn roller coaster?

A few nights back, as W was finishing up painting her bedroom, I came in and laid on "her" bed. She didn't even flinch, as I thought she might. We discussed the next phase of her project, and then talked a bit about the next project, our home office makeover. This one we will be doing together, as we have on every other home project prior to this crises.

Last night my two sisters, one brother, and their spouses and kids, all met up with my parents to celebrate their 54th wedding anniversary. We took them to a bedding store to buy them a much needed new bed. (Mom cried) W only decided to go once she learned all the other children and spouses were going. Once there, she turned on the charm, joked around with everyone, hugged my parents and acted like normal. It made me feel like we really do have a shot at this new marriage thing.

It's so weird to know that she's checked out of the marriage and is cool to me, yet still checks in for the family. WTF?

W hides to change clothes, and it hurts me. I normally leave for work before she gets up, but my work hours have temporarily changed, so that now we will be preparing for work at the same time. Today, I walked into the master bedroom to tell her something just as she was pulling up her pants. She rolled her eyes and shook her head. I carried on like normal, made my comments and did not acknowledge the rude body language. It made me later say (to myself) F'n leave. If you don't love me and are going to act like that, just F'n leave already!

It still seems I'm more likely to end this limbo than she is.

Do you think any of this says anything for the chance of W signing back up for the M? I guess I'm looking for more hope of a favorable outcome. I often feel like we got this in the bag, but then the next minute sometimes feel like kicking her out and moving on. sigh.

Thanks for following along everyone.

M: A really long time.
Crisis: 5 years.
She's still worth it.

Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl