In and out of fog city

[AnotherStander]

I REALLY hope she stays on that medication! You might offer her some encouragement there. I wish I had a dollar for every WAS I've heard about that started A/D's, took them briefly and then quit without consulting their doctor. It takes A/D's at least a couple of weeks to make a difference.

[labug]

Her job is killing her. I text her and said no worries. I know you job s*cks.

She text me back telling me her dr put her on medication to deal with depression and anxiety.

I text her back saying I was happy to listen if she needed to talk.

I might have done this differently. I think I would have left of "I know your job [censored]" and the part about listening if she needed to talk.

It feels too much like trying to me. The remark about the job, she may say her job [censored] but she may not want others telling me that.

Does she like her job? Does she want to change jobs?

[2ndtimearoundCA]

Her job is killing her. I text her and said no worries. I know you job s*cks.

She text me back telling me her dr put her on medication to deal with depression and anxiety.

I text her back saying I was happy to listen if she needed to talk.

I might have done this differently. I think I would have left of "I know your job [censored]" and the part about listening if she needed to talk.

It feels too much like trying to me. The remark about the job, she may say her job [censored] but she may not want others telling me that.

Does she like her job? Does she want to change jobs?

I am going to provide detailed interactions for Tuesday and Wednesday...

Tuesday:

W's doctors office called me Tuesday morning trying to get ahold of w to push back an appointment. I had no idea she left me as a contact. Anyway I relayed the message to her and she thanked me.

Late that afternoon I was driving home in commute traffic I got a text from w that shocked me and almost caused me to drive off the road (I know... No texting while driving and I didn't respond until I got home.)

Her text literally said "I need sex... " and she went on to ask if I was available in a light joking manner. So I played along and we went back and forth until I asked her if she was interest for Tuesday night

Her: I am so very tempted but just got home and brought (employee's) work home with me because she can't seem to do her own work and (w boss) has told me that I need to do her work for her. I hate my job!!!

Her: don't you have the kids?

Me: (your boss) sounds like a horrible person lately. (Your employee) never could do her job.. Kids are being dropped off later.

Her: OIC... Want to meet for a drink tomorrow nite after my hair appt? B done around 9

Me: hair tomorrow or Thursday?

She asked me the same thing on Sunday about Thursday. Odd that she had her days wrong and didn't seem to remember asking. Normally she would have said something like "are we still on for drinks after my appt..." She seems very discombobulated ...

Her: tomorrow. Got my days mixed up

Me: sounds good. Text me when u r done with hair

I had been worried about her just wanting to be friends or just wanting emotional support. Now she seems to be looking for a "booty call".. In my situation I will take that as a good thing.

Wednesday

Her (6:30 pm): boss has kept me working too late had to cancel hair appt. can you meet earlier?

I am in my car with D16 driving in bad traffic and D16 just has a learning permit. W calls to ask if I got her text. I answered, but maybe should not have in that moment because of the D16 driving sitch... Anyway I said I could meet a bit earlier but need to feed my kids first. I said I would call her in an hour. Then I got this text a few minutes later.

Her: (my name), going to reschedule again with u. Sorry. Just want to get in my pjs and call it a day...

Me: No worries. I know your job s*cks.

Her: yes, DR prescribed antidepressant and anti anxiety meds to help me get thru the days... Never thought I would resort to medication but don't have another solution until I find a new job.

Me: I am happy to listen if you need to talk.

She did not respond. We had no contact yesterday. I am not sure if I should reach out to her or if I should wait for her to contact me.

[AnotherStander]

Me: No worries. I know your job s*cks.

I agree with labug, you should quit saying that. Remember to VALIDATE. Validating is NOT telling her that her job is bad, or her boss, or her coworkers or whatever. She says her job s*cks, you say "That sounds very frustrating, I'm sorry you feel that way." If you tell her that her job s*cks, she may be inclined to start defending it. She may even take offense.

Her: yes, DR prescribed antidepressant and anti anxiety meds to help me get thru the days... Never thought I would resort to medication but don't have another solution until I find a new job.

Me: I am happy to listen if you need to talk.

You keep repeating that too, and it doesn't really sound genuine. She IS talking (texting is a form of communication/ talking), so when you say that WHILE she's talking it sounds like you're trying to brush her off. Instead you should offer her positive support like I said before, because believe me, if she's depressed you definitely WANT her to stay on the med's. So tell her things like "I think it's fantastic that you're trying that, I've heard really good things about A/D's, they can turn your life around." And if you see ANY positive change in her then celebrate it! Tell her that you notice a difference. Encourage her!

[2ndtimearoundCA]

Thanks AS and labug, I see that I have been a bit off in my validating. I guess I was equating agreeing with her to validating in this case. I can do better. Right now I am considering reaching out to her and asking her how she is feeling today. I think maybe we have enough rapport right now that I should try and be a supportive friend. Or maybe I just wait for her to reach out again...

[AnotherStander]

Thanks AS and labug, I see that I have been a bit off in my validating. I guess I was equating agreeing with her to validating in this case. I can do better. Right now I am considering reaching out to her and asking her how she is feeling today. I think maybe we have enough rapport right now that I should try and be a supportive friend. Or maybe I just wait for her to reach out again...

Right, you're getting it. Validating is not agreeing, it is giving empathy. Totally different. It's what women do to other women and why women are so prone to sharing their problems with their female friends instead of their H's. Women are natural validators and men are natural fixers! Women don't want to be fixed when they're venting, they want someone to hear them, understand them and offer empathy to them.

I think if you want to reach out as a "supportive friend" then there's no harm in that. Just be careful not to pour it on too heavy.

[2ndtimearoundCA]

Oddly, I think I have been a better validator when I disagreed with her. I would say things like "that must feel very frustrating", and "I can see how you would feel that way". But when I agreed I was like ... "Yes! I agree with you w!" Then at other times I would say to her things we agreed about that she would say to me.. I was excited that we had something we agreed about. An example is me telling her "your boss seems like a terrible person".

I think I see the light! Since I had previously disagreed with so much, I think I had subconsciously equated validating with disagreeing.

Thanks AS!

[2ndtimearoundCA]

Ok so I text my w and could use some help validating her response.

Me (2 pm): Happy Friday! Hope ur feeling better now that the week is coming to an end

Her (7 pm): I have to work all weekend to get caught up but at least (boss) won't bother me

I am thinking about saying: it must be frustrating to have (boss) harassing you all the time. Sorry you have to work all weekend, but at least you get some relief form (boss). Hope you are able to relax a little.

[JayMan]

I'd say:

Hope you are able to relax a little.

[labug]

Less is more, what Jon wrote is good.