"I've never been the guy who could just put an ultimatum out there with regard to ending my marriage. Once I commit and take those vows, I'm there. I don't believe in divorce nor accept it as an option, so this is why I'm so tenative."
^^^DD what are you trying to say here? If you confront your W and she says she would like to see if her R with OM works out you would just accept that and remain in the M?
Yes I'm also curious of your definition of M.
Newman
me40; W43 M18; T~20 D18; S13 & S3 bomb 5/9/11 EA busted 4/30/12; 9/4/12; 4/29/13; 6/10/13 same OM
Separated 4/1/14
"Even a flicker of light will shine through darkness-12/25/2012"....better days ahead.
I agree that what was once our marriage is over, but I feel that it's our responsibility to do all we can to face that fact and rebuild it for ourselves and our children. We owe it to each other as we promised in front of hundreds of people 12 years ago.
To me, my marriage is a sacrament, a vow and it's permanent. What God has joined, let not man separate. I accept that. So, as my W contiues to blaspheme the sanctity of our marriage, that's her choice. I have to do all I can, including being available to rebuild our marriage should my W come around to that decison. For better or worse. In good times and bad. Quitting is for the weak.
That doesn't mean I won't continue with my life and improving myself. That's still my goal. But giving into this contemorary idea that "marriage is a piece of paper and if it doesn't work out, I'll just leave" is BS!!
I will force through this conflict.
Alos, I intend to meet with an attorney and get the best info I can about following the best path to protect my interests.
Vince B M=10 yrs T=13 yrs M45 / H 44 2 Boys 5 & 8 D Day: 7/16/13
DD, get your ducks in a row, know your rights, think about custody of the kids in the event of D...it doesn't mean you'd file but it will prevent you from panicking in case your W choses OM. Usually the first 30 mins of consultation is no charge.
I have and I'm prepared for either scenario. It also gave me the confidence every time W mentions D. I had told her she's free to go, opened her cage. i told her i wont stand her way of D.
More wisdom. ^^^ This (getting legal and financial ducks in a row, just in case) is NEVER a bad idea. Don't tip your hand to your wife -- just do it. And "hide it in your heart," as the Good Book says.
DD, I agree with what you've said above, but don't look at making an ultimatum as quitting on your marriage. I could easily argue that standing by while your W has an affair is quitting on your marriage and that leaving her "for now" is actually fighting for it. If you believe that marriage is two people joined before God and committed to each other, then tolerating a marriage that is NOT that is disrespecting marriage right? Sometimes to get what you want you have to first go the other way, and this is one of those times. Not telling you to leave her, but you must do something to protect yourself and bring a stop to the cake-eating.
Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11 Start Reconcile: 8/15/11 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced) In a New Relationship: 3/2015
DD, It is my opinion that God does not do the work for us, but simply shows us the path in our hearts. Ultimately, it is up to each of us to decide for ourselves what to do. I also believe that God works in mysterious ways (cliche-yes, but I believe it). Consider the voices on this forum as, perhaps, His way of helping to guide what will ultimately be your decision and your actions.
In a way, you have been given a gift. The ability to change what was a marriage that neither you, your wife, nor God was happy with, into something to celebrate. It will not be easy. It will be the most difficult challenge of your life. Ultimately, however, the best rewards come with sacrifice.
I would like to join in here and share a bit of my experience. I confronted h a year ago about A. had evidence, he denied, denied. Finally said it was a friend/relationship he cared about. I asked h to move out. he has been 3 times back home to "work" on the marriage( I allowed it)these returns would last about 2 week. the latest being last july. H wants D. says he is not coming back. I'm in school now and said my focus now is kids and my classes. I have no time for D, but can't stop him. H still continues to lie. That is the part I hate. he goes to city where ow is. when he is there doesn't return d15 phone calls/texts Know it is diesrepctful to me and family. I do not want D. but really may have no choice. I've kept my ring on. Starting to consider if it is time to take it off. old M is over.
Good luck to you(and all of us)DD. This is a hard road
M48 H50 M21 T26 S20 at college),S17,D15-cp, dev. delay- cogniv 5yrs old PA confirmed 7/2012 H separates 9/2012 H move home 2/13& 7/13 lasted 2weeks.ILYNILWY OW still in picture. h filed 10/13
DD, I agree with what you've said above, but don't look at making an ultimatum as quitting on your marriage. I could easily argue that standing by while your W has an affair is quitting on your marriage and that leaving her "for now" is actually fighting for it. If you believe that marriage is two people joined before God and committed to each other, then tolerating a marriage that is NOT that is disrespecting marriage right? Sometimes to get what you want you have to first go the other way, and this is one of those times. Not telling you to leave her, but you must do something to protect yourself and bring a stop to the cake-eating.
Speaking only for myself, the way I finally looked at it was a matter of STANDING UP FOR HOLINESS in my marriage. I gave it a great 3-month fight, that -- with God's grace and help -- was ultimately successful. But at the 2-month mark, after 60 days of post-confrontation, post-exposure, unrepentant adultery . . . I made the very sad and difficult decision to file for divorce and full custody of our two minor sons.
Hardest thing I ever had to do, and I had several reasons for doing so. But the #1 reason was standing for holiness in my marriage.
That's a spiritual belief and I am NOT telling you what you need to decide for YOURSELF, DD, but only pointing out as the others did here that there is more than one way to decide the whole "God" thing when it comes to divorce and infidelity.
I definitely will have to let W know that what she is doing is unacceptable and I won't participate in an open marriage. Then what?
If I'm not moving out, I'll still be allowing her R with OM to continue in my presence. Right?
It's very confusing to consider all of this. The advice I've received encourages me to tell W I won't stand for her A and won't be in an open marriage, yet I'm still going to be right there with her A right in my face!
Is this where the "real" DBing begins? Puting the 37 rules into action for as long as W stays in the house?
Vince B M=10 yrs T=13 yrs M45 / H 44 2 Boys 5 & 8 D Day: 7/16/13
