So I haven't posted in a while because I've been so busy! I had a wedding over the weekend and then I had a business trip to Chicago. I think I had a revelation when I was at the wedding having fun and letting go. It was out of town so my sister and I stayed the whole weekend. When I saw the groom cry when he saw my friend walk down the isle I thought to myself I couldn't remember the last time I felt that way with my husband. My friend's husband worships her and would do anything for her, I can't remember if I ever felt cherished by my husband. My H has been selfish in our marriage, most of the time thinking of himself and his needs. I want to feel cherished and treasured in my R, is that too much to ask for? Even my DB coach thinks my H is immature and selfish. I don't know if I can wait for him to grow up. I want a love that my friend has. Am I wrong to feel this way? Maybe I am just getting stronger and realizing certain things now that I want in a relationship. My H is the only person I've ever been with since I was 18, so I really don't know anything else. Am I wrong to want more out of my R? Am I turning a corner in this process?
I am still in a great deal of pain and don't think I am ready to move on, because I don't feel like I've completely let go yet. But with each day I am getting stronger. There was also a guy at the wedding that I danced with and flirted with me which gave me some confidence to feel stronger. But I am NOT ready to date yet. I have a great deal more healing to do before that happens! But I did like him and was attracted to him. I am feeling very confused, wanting to move on with my life and wanting my H to come back. But I also realize I wouldn't take him back as he is now. I would need to see a great deal of change from him as well. I know I am growing and changing from this experience, but I'm not sure if he is.
This is where I'm at right now. I'm currently looking for a place to live because I want to get out of my parents house and feel it would be good for me to be on my own for a while.
