Seperation VS Divorce

[JuneReN]

Okay. So your H won't move out, but wants an S/D.

I would be very careful going forward and agree with AS in the thought that he will angle a separation to his advantage.

Also a separation for a year in some areas is necessary for a divorce to be granted without a waiting period.

Don't move out-whatever you do.

After speaking to a L, if H brings it up, say "Although this is not what I choose, I won't stand in the way if drawing up a separation agreement is what you need to do"

This way, the onus is on him to do it and he has to take the responsibility of the agreement. You can just say, when you've drawn it up with your counsel, I will have my lawyer take a look.

As for discussing whether the OW is to be outed, I really can't help you there. But since he denies it still, it would be fruitless and just make him "righteous" and angry, you know?

Saying that, check with your lawyer about adultery. It can have impact on your alimony payments, if you are entitled.

MC? MY H agreed to it, but then two weeks later said he would only go for closure of the marriage. A couple of weeks later he didn't want to go at all.

I think that it would not have helped at all at that point and may have hindered. He was long gone a year ago. (Not so much anymore, so there is always hope )

[peaceSJ]

Hi Kate, thank you for your inputs. I'll be very careful about any document he gave to me. Now my H flied to other city to meet the OW once a month but refused to move out. This really drived me crazy. I think he kind of agreed to see MC for one year only because of the pressure from his family.
Unfourtunately adultery does not impact either spousal support or child support.

[peaceSJ]

Hi Kate, I just read your 1st post. What your H said is just exactly the same words what my H said. We're also 19T and 17M. The difference between us is that my H still live in with us. How is everything going on your side? Did you try 180, GAL...? I tried, but I feel so hard sometimes if I was just distanced from him :-(

[JuneReN]

My very first? LOL! Seems like such a long time ago. H and I are cautiously rebuilding a relationship. Where it goes is still up for debate at this point. His head says back together, but he wants to make sure it is what his heart wants. I want him to be sure it's what his heart wants too!!

WE are still separated, but just spent a successful week on vacay. I have stood through two girlfriends of his and dated a couple times myself. So we will see. I feel as though I am calling the shots as far as to how I proceed in this, not my H anymore.

My GAL and 180s were instrumental in allowing communication with H to start again. He was envious of my calm and insight. He wondered how I was happy and he wasn't. Then he began to comment that maybe it wasn't all my fault after all.

I took up long distance running (I hate running) and completed three 1/2 marathons since April. I learned to surf (kind of), went out with friends, took classes.

I stopped trying to control everything and let stuff go. Became grateful for everything I had and learned to live in the now.

My mantra has always been "regardless of whether are together or not, I will be exactly in the same place on my path"

But it has taken a year to get good with exactly where I am

[Feenix]

My GAL and 180s were instrumental in allowing communication with H to start again. He was envious of my calm and insight. He wondered how I was happy and he wasn't. Then he began to comment that maybe it wasn't all my fault after all.

I took up long distance running (I hate running) and completed three 1/2 marathons since April. I learned to surf (kind of), went out with friends, took classes.

I stopped trying to control everything and let stuff go. Became grateful for everything I had and learned to live in the now.

GOOD stuff, right there! I feel like I'm finally at this spot where I am making more time for me and doing stuff I want to do ...and just starting to give up control of those things that I cannot control anyway! There is peace in that!

This is truly good advice....follow Kate's example!

[AnotherStander]

My very first? LOL! Seems like such a long time ago. H and I are cautiously rebuilding a relationship. Where it goes is still up for debate at this point. His head says back together, but he wants to make sure it is what his heart wants. I want him to be sure it's what his heart wants too!!

WE are still separated, but just spent a successful week on vacay. I have stood through two girlfriends of his and dated a couple times myself. So we will see. I feel as though I am calling the shots as far as to how I proceed in this, not my H anymore.

My GAL and 180s were instrumental in allowing communication with H to start again. He was envious of my calm and insight. He wondered how I was happy and he wasn't. Then he began to comment that maybe it wasn't all my fault after all.

I took up long distance running (I hate running) and completed three 1/2 marathons since April. I learned to surf (kind of), went out with friends, took classes.

I stopped trying to control everything and let stuff go. Became grateful for everything I had and learned to live in the now.

My mantra has always been "regardless of whether are together or not, I will be exactly in the same place on my path"

But it has taken a year to get good with exactly where I am

^^^AWESOME^^^ You are a model of great DB'ing

[peaceSJ]

Hi Kate, this is awesome. I'll try to follow your example. But how did you deal it when you found OWs? For me, it is so hard to accept it especially I know H is spedning couple days with her every month. I feel my heart is broken...

[lovethehub]

Peace,

I can't speak for everyone who has an A, but I know when I did it had nothing to do with my H. It is hard to explain but the decision came from years of feeling unloved, alone, lonely, hopeless, etc . When I finally had the A, it was about saving myself (or so it felt at the time) and feeling loved, cared for, hopeful, alive, again. What I am trying to say is that even though it was my H's behavior towards me that left me feeling like our M was over the A was all about how it made me feel, not about H. (Before I get any 2x4's, I know now it wasn't all H's fault but at the time, when he refused to go to MC or even talk with me about our M, it felt it. I have learned a lot since then)

I don't think I am saying this right (need more coffee!) but I am trying to get across the point that, as painful as it is (I have been on both sides of an A), it isn't necessarily about you. He may feel he is saving himself (unless he was always a cheater) and doesn't know how else to do it.

Anything can happen and if you aren't walking away just keep focusing on yourself, work on what you need to, bring new activities to your life and find someone to talk to about your feelings - just don't talk to H about them. Your growth and changes may be able to save the M, in the meantime, you know you cannot make him change so put your energy into you.

[Underdog]

Peace,

I don't know what state you live in, so the answers aren't clear. In my state (Colorado), there is no benefit to filing for legal separation. That being said, it's kind of like splitting hairs.

The others who have weighed in have certainly made great suggestions. My only suggestion is to change YOUR perspective on what this really means.

It sounds like your next move will be made out of fear that he's going to force you to do something you don't want to do. I understand that. But the forces of nature cannot be stopped, so the best thing you can do for yourself is to accept them and learn how to live within the framework of the change to get what you need from the outcome.

What I mean specifically is to put on a new set of glasses and see a separation agreement as a court binding set of rules for engagement. Use this to YOUR advantage too. I've been around here and in real life long enough to see spouses without one put the marital assets in jeopardy by assuming debt and ruining credit. If you have children, this is even more important - particularly if you've been a SAHM for any length of time.

You may also be able to stipulate that any of his income that's used to pay for OW must be documented and come off his side of the ledger in the event you D. You don't want him buying her a car with money that is legally yours, right? Not saying your H will, but they do lots of insane things when they think they are off the hook financially.

You also legally document child support and banking arrangements before he decides he doesn't want to pay you anymore without you agreeing to that.

I'd run - not walk - towards the nearest mediator to get this hashed out. Mediators cost at least half the $$ to use instead of a lawyer, and if you find the right one, they are fair. I found one here in Denver that has lots of experience in family court, and both my XH and I liked dealing with him (though it was emotionally difficult too).

And I'll weigh in with the rest of the good folks here who said that you should beware of the trap of MC for a year. I also fell prey to the belief that he would come to his senses and therapy would help. But my XH didn't not want help. He wanted to be left alone. He didn't do the exercises, and after 3 months, he quit going. And yes, he used the experience to say quite loudly, "I did everything you requested and it just didn't work for me."

Don't waste your money. If you want to see an IC, go for it. I'd recommend it anyway. But leave him out of the C trap. You might be really sorry to hear what he says down the road.

I was separated for 2 years, and the initial separation agreement took away a lot of the underlying fear I felt about the eventual divorce. I'm not saying it's a magic bullet or anything, but at least if you have a legal document stating what is and isn't permitted might help your cause down the road more than marriage counseling for both of you.

Good luck!

Betsey

[peaceSJ]

Hi Lovethehub and betsey, thank you both for sharing your experience and thoughts. It's helpful.

It is hard to explain but the decision came from years of feeling unloved, alone, lonely, hopeless, etc . When I finally had the A, it was about saving myself (or so it felt at the time) and feeling loved, cared for, hopeful, alive, again.

My H expressed the same feeling to me. He kept saying he was unhappy, unloved and lonely for so many years. It seems that's all my fault. He claimed that now he wants to live on his own and look for his true love... He totally forgot the happy moments during our marriage life.