Feelings can be deceiving, especially during tumultuous times. Stick with facts, actions, staying true to yourself and who you want to be, and the DB techniques.
Good venting!
-PM
M:12y - BD:12/11 - D:6/13 - 4Ds
"The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy." -MLK Jr.
I did tell H’s mom not to contact him about any of our sitch, and I don’t talk to her or my parents about it…but she’s found out some stuff on her own.
You've done what you can then. Unfortunately parents and friends will try to intervene on our behalf even if we tell them not to and they always do more harm than good. The problem is they simply do not know the dynamics of a WAS or MLCer like we do. You just cannot reason with them, they're running purely off of their emotions.
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They even called the Sheriff one night, around Christmas time, because he was acting so erratic and said he’d “kill me” if I tried to take the kids and go to my parents.
Good for them, that is unacceptable behavior. There are domestic homicides/ suicides in the news on practically a daily basis, this is not something to be taken lightly.
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It was a horrible time for our kids, for me, for our parents….and H still harbors a lot of anger from that.
That tells you a lot about his state of mind, he should be feeling shame and anguish and instead feels anger over it.
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What are some other things I can say, besides “I’m sorry you feel that way” to help diffuse situations.
Validating is simply acknowledging feelings. It is not begging/ pleading/ negotiating/ agreeing/ disagreeing/ etc. If he talks about something making him angry, just mirror his emotions back to him- "you sound angry about this, is that how you feel?" When someone is feeling strong emotions, the LAST thing they want to hear is that they are wrong. So they may be monstering and telling you "I hate you, all you ever do is LIE!" Our natural human response is to defend ourselves, but if we do, we are directly contradicting what they just said and that just results in a big fight. But if you validate- "I'm sorry you think I'm a liar, clearly that is making you angry and I don't want you to be angry.", then you can stop the fight before it starts. Note that you are NOT agreeing, you are NOT saying "yes you're right I am a liar." You are simply acknowledging that he feels that way. There's a BIG difference. You're not admitting guilt, you are empathizing.
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We had a great weekend….really, really good….Then, this week has been HORRIBLE! His moods are all over the place. Last night, I feel like he purposely started a fight right before he left for work. We’d had a good evening, getting along, laughing and joking.
They will often do this because they see things getting TOO chummy, so they have to get angry and/ or start a fight to remind you that things are NOT chummy. It's frustrating, but it's part of it.
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I have got to get better about not reacting to good OR bad stuff coming from him. I need to be more balanced.
Great thought, you should write that down and review it each morning! Keep adding similar positive character-building thoughts to it.
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A question that may not have answers (I may need a 2X4 here!!!), but how do we KNOW they are ready to work on the M again? He initiated a long talk on Saturday and again, yesterday, about where we’re headed. I tried NOT to talk about it at first, but he kept bringing stuff up
Sandi's rule is not to initiate R convo's, but it's OK to talk about it if they initiate. But try to mostly listen and validate. How will you know, well in your case you'll know when he's able to show consistent pro-marriage behavior for weeks or months without backslides. For now it sounds like he's lucky to hold that pro-marriage behavior for a few hours. Right now like Accuray said he's just all over the place. I don't think you can believe anything that comes out of his mouth whether positive or negative, because it's the emotions talking. He's not in a position to think and deduce rationally.
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Is this MLC or WAS (but still at home) behavior???
This isn't a black or white question unfortunately. There's a little MLC in every WAS and a little WAS in every MLCer. The approach is largely the same (work on YOU), but the timeline is often much longer with MLCers.
Feeling anxious for no reason. Need advice...either reassurance or a 2X4. Lol!
Update:
Last Friday, I went to open a bank account in MY name only to start putting my paycheck in. H has been doing this since the EA was discovered, almost a year ago. I decided that he is being so unpredictable that I need to make sure my check will be where he can't get to it so that I can continue to pay bills, etc.
Off and on, throughout the past year, he will go on my payday and take out $200-300 dollars. So, I want to make sure this doesn't turn into him taking the whole check.
Turns out my H had a charge off on a business account last year that I was also on...so NO new bank account right now. I have to look into getting that fixed to be able to open my own.
However, H completely freaked that I was opening my own account and took that as I was leaving him and he asked me if I had a boyfriend, etc. (Um, no!!!! Guilty conscience?!) To get back at me, he took $500 out of our joint account Saturday, etc. which started a huge fight.
HOWEVER, by Sunday, after A LOT of texting and talking things out, things were ok between us and he put the money back on Monday morning. I calmly explained why I felt I needed my own account, etc.
Then, on Sunday, he also added me back as a friend on Facebook....he'd deleted me several times, recently, so I finally just quit caring about it. I had actually blocked him and he texted from work to ask why I'd blocked him and said that he'd like to be able to see the pics of the kids I post, etc.
This week, things have been ok. No fights, no trouble....and yet, I am filled with anxiety ALL week!!! For no reason at all!!! I sit at work and my heart just starts to pound because I haven't heard from him when he got off shift, etc. I get all worked up about where he might be or if he went home after work or went out drinking with his work friends.
One thing that is different, is that all week, I've avoided going out of my way to text him about anything. I've just kinda ignored him unless he texts me or approaches me at home. I used to text him in the mornings to say "Hi" or to see if he made it home safely after work. I've stopped doing all that.
Also, in the evenings, before he goes to work, we used to eat together and watch a show or whatever, while he was on his phone most of the time.
This week, I decided I'm tired of being second to his phone, so I've started eating at the table, by myself, or with the kids, if they're home from their activities. I can tell he's noticed and is wondering what's up. I've been nice to him...just not going out of my way to pursue him.
This has resulted in him actually finding me to give me a quick hug before he leaves for the night shift...which is nice. He'd stopped doing that.
BUT, it's resulted in WAY less contact between us because I'm not the one initiating any of it.
So, again, I'm feeling really anxious and worried that this is the wrong thing to do for OUR situation.
He is one of those weird MLC'ers who starts feeling like I don't care about him or whatever, if I don't contact him during the day, etc. but I just haven't felt up to it this week. I've been kinda numb.
Anyway, I'm not sure what I'm looking for on here today...but anyone else go through this or have any advice?
Why am I feeling so scared when things are going pretty good this week????!!!!
PM: Thank you for the reminder about feelings. So, so true. Hard to remember when we're all wrapped up in those feelings. It helps to be reminded to keep the focus on the "real" things...not our emotions at the time.
AS: Thank you, also. Lots of great stuff there for me to read over and think about. I especially appreciate the examples of how to validate what H is saying in the right way.
Husband said "I love you" for first time in almost a year....now what? _______________________________________________________________ My H's family have continued to contact him this past week, texting and on Facebook, about him refusing to have contact with his mom.
This resulted in him deleting her from Facebook, etc. and the whole thing has caused A LOT of problems. I tried to talk to H's family about H's MLC and just leaving him alone as he's not really in his right mind...but they don't seem to believe me. And, if I've learned anything DB'ing, it's that I can't control someone else's actions! Lol.
So, I'm trying to stay out of it and work on me.
Here's the deal. H and I had a revelation on Friday night. He was at work and texted me to ask if I would speak to his mom about their fight and to tell her to stop trying to contact him, etc. He said that he feels so much pressure from her that he can't stand to deal with her right now.
I didn't want to get involved...but he persisted. I then found out, through him and his mom, that his mom (who is unhappily remarried and had an ugly divorce from her first husband)is actually trying to get my H to leave me and the kids "because we'd all just be happier if he was gone." And, basically, because she's "been there, done that" then she seems to think divorce will just make us all better.
My H was furious about this...which I found odd. He's been wanting out, off and on, but her saying it seemed to make him want to make it work. And our interactions have actually been pretty good the past week. So, he came home from work Saturday morning, grabbed me up in a big hug and whispered, "I love you." He hasn't said that in almost a year.
Not sure what to think of this. I didn't change any of my DB'ing but sure am hoping that he meant it.
The past couple of weeks, he's also commented on how we both have taken the word "divorce" out of our conversations, and he likes that.
And, we've had a couple of casual conversations about things we can each be doing better to help each other.
Tomorrow, I'll probably be venting about what a jerk he's being again. And the cycle will continue...but for today, I'm a bit puzzled at his reaction to his mom's trying to break us up.
Wow Angela, those are seriously good positives if you ask me!
Also, my thought on his reaction to his mom's stuff, is that this probably affected him way more than she knows and STILL affects him to this day. He probably didn't like the way she or spouses handled their own situations and it still makes him angry.
Go with the good stuff you are getting!
Me:49 H:47 S: 16 T:27 M:25 My EA: 2001 His PA: 10/2007, 6/2013 Separated, but H still in house
Find your Shambala: a place of peace and happiness.
Look at the positives on his part as "baby steps". Celebrate them internally, but continue your DB'ing. If there's anything to take away from this it is that your DB'ing is WORKING, so don't stop now! A lot of people make the mistake of going into full-blown pursuit mode when their WAS starts showing interest, and that just drives the WAS away again. Be very patient, it is likely that he will start thinking things are "too good" and he'll push away again. Expect it and (hopefully) you won't be too upset when it happens.
AnotherStander, you are a fortune teller!!!! Lol. Just kidding.
Yep, though, he's doing as you predicted. He was a little bit distant yesterday after I got home from work but I didn't think much about it.
Then, this morning, I texted him while he was still at work to ask a question about this afternoon and he never responded.
When he needs space, the goes out, in the morning after work, and has some beers with the "guys" and ignores me. I was stupid and texted him again about an hour ago. Still no answer.
Luckily, I just saw this and remembered my DB'ing. So, no more texts from me!!! I have got to stop backsliding!!! Ugh!
But, I am glad for the reminder...so I won't let myself get too upset. I'll just "do my thing" today and not worry about what he's doing or why he won't respond. Just let it go, right?
I'm trying to fake it until I feel it. Right now, I'm feeling pretty anxious and my mind is spinning.
I hate feeling like this...you know the whole "Why won't he answer? what did I do this time to piss him off? where is he? what's he doing?"
Maybe some perspective will help - there are MANY people, including me, that would love to be in your shoes. With your spouse at home, and seemingly starting to look at himself.
Like you said: deep breath! Be glad he isn't gone, and hating you. You have an opportunity to be love and grace and happiness!
