Hey Nero. I think you are right about those people who lash out at others in their life. I think it is a combination of things. Low self esteem, their childhood and what they learned, control. And it used to be important for me to really understand why my mother and h were like that. It isnt anymore. And not so much because it is what it is. Although there is that. But also because knowing doesnt change it. Knowing doesnt take away what they've said and done. I feel sorry for them, really. It is sad to me. But, I dont really care about the why of it anymore.
I know who I am. I know the sort of person I am. What I stand for.I know it without a single doubt. And I am happy with me. I know I am loyal and kind. I try to show the people I care about that I do.
I knew my mother loved me as best she could. As much as she was capable of. Husband, too. And I think they did the best they could. My childhood was horrific, but, it made me who I am today. And for that I am grateful.
I think that maybe you are right about your assumption. That you're a happier person in general when you have someone to share my life with and that is an extention of your relationship with your sister. I think that all of us, or most at least, can say that we may feel happier as a part of something. And it doesnt mean we cant be happy not part of a couple, too. Because the crux of all that is, that we need to be happy from within. The other stuff enhances our life, but, it shouldnt define it. It shouldnt determine it. And it certainly doesnt mean you cant have it again one day.
I am so sorry about what happened with your sister. I know you must miss her so much. I hope that deep down you know you could not save her. The only one who could was her. But I do understand that from time to time you wonder if one action or word might have made a difference. The truth is, that things happen as they should. Even bad things.
As far as our marriages, I feel as you do. I always had his back. I accepted him for who he was. I was loyal and loving. I supported him fully in whatever he chose to do. Could have I had done some things differently? Yes. But I always try to remember I did the best I could with the knowledge and tools I had at the time.
And when I do, I realize that he is broken. He is. I know it without a doubt. The reason he is unhappy isnt because of anything i've done or havent done. You dont act like this, do these things, to someone who has loved you honestly and completely. They are so unhappy within themselves.
That it is what it is thing is hard to embrace. But, sometimes it truly is the mindset you need.
And I know I missed a HUGE flashing warning signal "EMOTIONAL DAMAGE" !! "EMOTIONAL DAMAGE!!! " If I have to be honest, I saw a small signal early on and chose to ignore it.
You know, Nero, its ok to live within your comfort zone until it just isnt comfortable anymore. And I think the more you look within, the less comfortable it is going to feel. I could be wrong, just a guess.
If you are ok with where you are in GAL, then you are. I do think you look to him a bit and seem to drop stuff when he comes around. But, you are where you need to be. Until you need something different..
So, happy you are feeling grateful and enjoying stuff you are doing.
Happy to hear you are coming to terms with your mother and sister and their actions.
I do not believe we should have to work for love. It should flow freely.
Those people, like our mothers and husbands, are superficial because they cannot look within. They are fearful of what they will find. So, they put on a good face, act the way they think they should. All the while, inside they are running.
You know, my friend, we just do the best we can. Be true to who we are. Live life with dignity and strength. The rest, well, is out of our hands.
Looking forward to meeting you.
And Dawn, what's wrong with a little bit of trouble? Just sayin....:)
