@labug - she's not even close, and she knows it... That's why, even when she wanted to reconcile a couple weeks back, I sort of suggested she stay with the 1 year lease in her apartment, to give us both time. I have changed significantly. W even says it, but doesn't believe that it will last. Apparently, I'm a professional actor since I've been the same for almost 8 straight weeks! There are many more things I can improve, believe me, but I have really asked God to change my heart, and focused on releasing crap that doesn't matter.
AS - thanks. I needed to get a good punch. Not sure if anyone on here is a spiritual person, but I actually was praying this morning, and very clearly felt God saying, "You need to get out of the way if you want me to work!" So, God and you agree!
P.S. My jeans weren't tight, just cool. Guys in tight jeans are gross.
NTX - yep, it's once a week on Wednesdays for about two hours, and W is working, so it's not like I'm taking them so she can go party. But my mindset has shifted. W is not a good parent right now, and she can't handle S5, never has been able to. The kids only get to see their biological dad for 6 weeks in the summer. And none of this is their fault - so if I can be a dad to them, and a place of security for them while W is rattling all over the place, then I think that's a blessing for them. I don't want to play games with them to try to tweak W.
I dunno why I've been so thick about this ~ I've seen many posts that talk about how DBing is counter-intuitive, and it really is. However, it's finally become increasingly clear that my efforts to "connect" are not going anywhere; even though you all have told me about 50 times! It's sort of dumb of me to try to connect when we already have that, even if W is fighting it. W says she loves me, and it's clear that she likes being with me, even hugging me. She admits it. But for whatever reason, she is locking it down so she doesn't feel anything. Maybe back to what AS said about "She WANTS to be happy outside of the M and she's trying to convince herself she is, but she's still in turmoil and that is confusing her."
It's clear now that whatever "block" is in her mind has to come off before anything I say will have any impact, or any time spent together will mean anything, and I'm pretty darned sure that the block is not gonna come off from me yakking at her.
I guess when even God shows me I need to stop, then maybe it's time to listen!
