hey hi- i just thought of someting really smart to say- and forgot it totally- wah wah what a woman!!!
am dressed - have one minute- didn't intend to be "hard" to you before. no time to fold now- you're not a "folder".
your h is floundering as usual. mine is too in his own way i think. (their inability to 3ither "get in - or get out" thing.
idk what we CAN do about it. we can only change or fix us - as you know. we're floundering also- thanks alot guys. we're humans - who the heck has allllllll the answers. no one- NO ONE AT ALL. not about themselves - not about others, NO ONE...
it's about that in the end. he's still blaming you- my h is still "blaming" me for his - what? unhappiness, dissatisfaction, etc.
HOW EASY IS THAT IN LIFE- BLAME THE OTHER POOR JERK??? seems very darn prevalent tho. (wouldn't we love to blame them - don't we mostly? for going off the rails and trashing our lives???)
it's easy- i guess that's why. uh hem- humans, we're all just one.
me- i could have and should have spoken up years and years ago if i was truly needing something more from my r with h. if i knew that is- what may have been important down the line- who the heck does???? not me -
idk- i thought it was all doable as long as we loved each other. bad call maybe??? who will ever know. am i going to re-think allllll that? nah- not today anyway. probably never.
i',m trying to let the past go - be what it was. (great)
where we go from here- the question du jour. (well, maybe) maybe one can really hang in there with this "one day at a time" thing forever. can we??
you- so, big deal, we're both crappy lighthouses. who ever even said the lighthouses stand forever??? we're both still "here" and our h's both still know it. bank on it? use it and abuse it. will it be so forever - nah - even old real lighthouses crumble into the sea- years of bshing & wear & tear- they fall... in ... the... end...... everything dies man.
human nature i'd say- rather than malice on their parts (tho it feels mighty bad to us) .
they're sooooo immersed in "me first land" they can't even see and don't care to look at what they may be doing to us. either of them. they won't look, don't want to know and do not specifically6 want to take any responsibility for anyone's happiness other than their own. (THO- MIND YOU- WTF IS THIS BIT of paying bills and supporting us, keeping us around in the stinking closet, etc.)
i cannot even imagine- i'm allover the place today. my own h is probably in his stupid car driving his stupid self to see his stupid cow of an ow- even as we speak. stupid, stupid, stupic
it screws with me- make no mistake. just for rite now, today, i am not letting it "disable" me. hoping in future (as past has shown) i'll get "harder" and "harder" about it. who knows- one day maybe it will not matter at all.
one day- who knows, maybe i will have a new bettr different life that replaces the old one in my mind & heart. and maybe you too- it's just not here today. we suck it up.
who knows, maybe i'll drop dead at school today- ta da, his problems allllll over. who knows, maybe he'll drop dead and i'll have all my problems over- like it or not. (i am NOT wishing he does btw)
honestly dawn- i look at my mother and my sister that's dead too young- and i cannot get up the "juice" today to figure out anything going on in life.
seriously- capture now the magic of this "for the moment" thing. if you can.
i'm trying like mad- i'm busy and have somewhere to go.
i think it's the key for guys like you and me rite now, at this point in the stinking 'PROCESS" (YEAH, TRUST THE PROCESS??? WE'RE OBVIOUSLY HAVING TROUBLE WITH THAT)
however- find something to go to to distract you.
i know easier said than done- but if i can get this stinking ole substutute teaching thing going on- anyone can find SOMETHING.
