Questions without answers...I'm tired of asking.

[albamarie]

Some light house I turned out to be, H just asked me to let him leave the door open for him to go to hell, aka the ability to go hang out with ea.

So he's what, on the inside of my ajar door peeking out toward the direction of hell, with interest, instead of being out there, to one day seek his way back thru my door to a better life.

How is it that this is backward? He doesn't understand! I don't understand, meanwhile time is passing. And I am alone!

He does give lots of clues...he talks to me. But, I don't know how to live like this anymore, with it all in my face. He gives me nothing to hold on to for future hope.

This is too far for me...it has done nothing. Every year, hour, second that passes does nothing to secure a future or make me feel loved and secure. I don't like feeling defeated but MLC is defeating me. I'm starting to cry again just because I feel so helpless/hopeless.

Not because I L my H soo much that I can't move forward. I don't know how to shake him. Throw him out. Does that get him out of my life? D, that's an open door for a new nightmare.

How do I get strong enough to deal with the "going to get worse before it gets better"?

[Ambivalent]

I've read your situation. Perhaps separation would allow both of you the needed space. You, the ability to breathe and allow yourself a fresh perspective. He, time to not constantly see what is adding to his frustration.

It will not be easy, but may be best for you and the kids. The stress you are under is not healthy for you.

I would suggest not "throwing" him out, but calmly, during a quiet time, request it.

He is unstable, and with depression co- morbidity with MLC, things won't change until it is addressed. You can not make him get help, or use meds. You can draw a line and stick with it.

I understand this is something that is the exact opposite of what you want to do. I get it, but currently he is not present in your life or marriage, just his body is.

Perhaps asking oneself ...what is the worst that can happen? For me it would be suicide, then I have to ask myself...would I want my kids there to witness this, or would it be best if it happened away? This is a stark reality when dealing with deep depression. It is a reality for men with this illness and crisis.
If that is the worst that can happen, what is the best? He has the space to see what he has done, isn't doing, and realize he needs to be part of the change he is seeking. Feel welcome to come home and address things instead of slowly wallowing.

I am a person who deals with depression, with two daughters. One chooses to ignore it. The other is aware and takes medication, exercises, and manage it, takes responsibility for it. I live with the fear for the oldest, yet have detached. I must or I would be consumed with grief and stress. I too manage anxiety and depression, it isn't always easy, especially with the Winter months. It is something that is MY battle, and nobody else is responsible nor duty bound to help me. I exercise with taking an AD and I'm a good role model for my daughters. Enough said.

I feel for you and with what you are trying to cope. You have an enormous heart and soul. It is your turn to be a good role model and allow your H. to know you care so much that he can manage . He can find his inner strength and break his cycle.

I'm sending an enormous hug, and if I were in your kitchen I would hold you! <3

[AJM]

This is too far for me...it has done nothing. Every year, hour, second that passes does nothing to secure a future or make me feel loved and secure. I don't like feeling defeated but MLC is defeating me. I'm starting to cry again just because I feel so helpless/hopeless.

Let's get one thing straight here and now: your H will not be out of your life. That started with the promise of "I do". Look around the boards, m'dear. You'll see people 10-15-20 years later are still dealing with the ex's. My aunt and uncle are a good example of that as well as many others I know outside of this board.

So. Now that you know you won't get rid of him, can I ask you something? This loneliness? What's that about and why on earth do you need somebody else to fill that? I mean, I get you miss the affection, s*x, lovingness, etc, but what is it that really scares you here?

I don't think a separation is a good idea. I think you figuring out your fears and facing them is. He's going to do what he does regardless of your steps and actions. He'll do it until he's done. But as for you, you have some things to address, no?

Peace,

AJ

[albamarie]

The scariest thing I think right now is not knowing whether or not this is it for me, this is the man I am to live my life out with, and things will get better. Or, this is a waist of time and there is a better road for me that will yield a good life with all that it brings.

I'm scared to jump and I'm scared to keep standing for such uncertainty. I am being still, standing in place, but I can't help but feel like I'm sinking.

Now I understand that I am not unique nor do I think I have any less/more of a grasp on this than anyone else. I am only trying to be truthful.

The loneliness comes from not having my best friend, the person I chose to trust with my greatest fears and thoughts, happiness and love, the person who started out as a stranger and became my partner. Singularly, it could seem like a list of emotions that can be foefilled by accomplishments, family, work, and friends, but together they were the makings of a M, my M.

What I have to face is that he is gone. He can mold into the person he will be when he's ready, but that very well will not include me. I am still reeling from being sideswiped by this whole thing, even after all this time, I am still amazed at how far he has turned from me, and it doesn't help me, that he still remains tethered to me.

I understand why...I'm home, even tho he fights home he knows it's safe. But, what about how that affects me? I will need to be let go very soon at this point, I am not able to move forward. Is that what I need to work on, probably.

[albamarie]

The stress you are under is not healthy for you.

I would suggest not "throwing" him out, but calmly, during a quiet time, request it.

He is unstable, and with depression co- morbidity with MLC, things won't change until it is addressed. You can not make him get help, or use meds. You can draw a line and stick with it.

I understand this is something that is the exact opposite of what you want to do. I get it, but currently he is not present in your life or marriage, just his body.

I feel for you and with what you are trying to cope. You have an enormous heart and soul. It is your turn to be a good role model and allow your H. to know you care so much that he can manage . He can find his inner strength and break his cycle.

I'm sending an enormous hug, and if I were in your kitchen I would hold you! <3

Hi, thanks for writing.

You make some good points, he does need to break his own cycle, he's going to continue to do what he's going to do. He has actually asked me to care enough to let him finish his journey, I'm not really doing anything to stop him. He stops himself he says out of guilt or compassion for me.

We have discussed him moving out plenty of times. It's actually starting to loose it's power and direction. It's becoming repetitive.

Drawing a line is all I have...I just hope I can continue to stick to it before that to becomes redundant.

Thanks for sharing, and thanks so much for the hug, I'll take it!

Best dm

[nero]

hey hi-

i feel alot like you- all the time. OUR problem is when we compare what we have now- to what we HAD.

TODAY - i'm trying to look at it in some better perspective. it's not easy or pleasant. WHAT IF we try to view our h and our love and happy happy life for so long as we might view our youth? we actually do see it's past - our h's go off the rails trying to actually recapture it all- in desperation- really. that's the diff here. we are (trying) to accept age & change & people we are (now) - they refuse to accept it- can't do it - go nuts trying- ruin what they have trying to stop the passge of time and life.

it was wonderful and fun- and it turned into middle and (for me) older age? i am 62 - it had to come- i cannot get rid of it (unless i win the lottery and have tons of extra money for plastic surgery) BUT in the end- i will get ancient (like my mom) and i will die - like EVERYONE has to. what? part of life - CHANGE.

I HATE IT too - i resist - i rail - i want to turn back the hands of time- i want to not remember how very wonderful it was - not just affection and love and sex- just the feeling of someone there ALWAYS and HOW MY LIFE WOULD BE & WOULD ALWAYS BE.

big problem- i am told NOTHING just gets to BE THE SAME forever. i still even resist that- but maybe they are rite???

maybe what we had - maybe EVERYTHING IN THE UNIVERSE HAS A TIME LIMIT - YOU KNow, sell-by date???

CAN it be that stupid and simple? i'm trying for a big perspective switchola here. i do think we can love forever (some of us) i do think some people cannot accept change of something they WANT -

CAN'T have gratitude for what they HAVE - neeeeeed something new or diferent because they freak out thnking they're missing something in life- wah wah wah-

idk-

the thing of separation - who is to say he will go? and why would he- ? necessarily??? he may well say why should he go find a new place- afford it? - leave his home? etc.

it's easy for anyone to say it's a good idea- you alone know how it all may shake down?!!

thre is no easy , sure answer here. at all. do not kid yourself that there is (imho)

i feel defeated & like pooh alot- am i going to die from it- no. i don't think i'm going to let myself die. you either- why would you? all you have to do is breath and stay alive and deal with what comes today- BUT - if you decide to go get out of the house a bit - & make a move of some sort , part time job- whatever- get out of the house a bit- then do that.

I BELIEVE at this moment- if you get out of the house and get about your life - your new life will "happen to you" if it is meant to. if you are destined to meet someone new- you will - just alter the mix one little bit - realistically working is the diff here. i need to probably get serious- i'm using him for this time to piddle and wade in slowly- have the safety net.

will it suit me forever- i don't think so really. i guess the day will ultimately come when i've had it and want "more" whateve the heck it is.

gotta run and gety dressed and so on- later than i think and need to get to work for 9?30

listen- hang on- we'll chat- all you need to do (really) is continue to stay alive one more day here- you can manage that.

the whole defeat thing- it will pass someday- it may even be "freeing" to give up. i feel that sometimes- he's blaming you i think, btw - with the he stops his journey out of caring for you, etc.

bs - i'm thinking he doesn't want to get to the "end" he's afraid- big woop - we're all afraid alllll the time. we're human beings, we all fear the unknown a bit- growq up- grow a pair-

don't accept the blame- or responsibiity fo rhim anymore- just exist - go about your own day/life- ignore him - you were doing good there for awhile- block it- get the heck out of the house. anything- anywhere

seeya soon - HANG ON

xxoo

[nero]

hey hi- i just thought of someting really smart to say- and forgot it totally- wah wah what a woman!!!

am dressed - have one minute- didn't intend to be "hard" to you before. no time to fold now- you're not a "folder".

your h is floundering as usual. mine is too in his own way i think. (their inability to 3ither "get in - or get out" thing.

idk what we CAN do about it. we can only change or fix us - as you know. we're floundering also- thanks alot guys. we're humans - who the heck has allllllll the answers. no one- NO ONE AT ALL. not about themselves - not about others, NO ONE...

it's about that in the end. he's still blaming you- my h is still "blaming" me for his - what? unhappiness, dissatisfaction, etc.

HOW EASY IS THAT IN LIFE- BLAME THE OTHER POOR JERK??? seems very darn prevalent tho. (wouldn't we love to blame them - don't we mostly? for going off the rails and trashing our lives???)

it's easy- i guess that's why. uh hem- humans, we're all just one.

me- i could have and should have spoken up years and years ago if i was truly needing something more from my r with h. if i knew that is- what may have been important down the line- who the heck does???? not me -

idk- i thought it was all doable as long as we loved each other. bad call maybe??? who will ever know. am i going to re-think allllll that? nah- not today anyway. probably never.

i',m trying to let the past go - be what it was. (great)

where we go from here- the question du jour. (well, maybe) maybe one can really hang in there with this "one day at a time" thing forever. can we??

you- so, big deal, we're both crappy lighthouses. who ever even said the lighthouses stand forever??? we're both still "here" and our h's both still know it. bank on it? use it and abuse it. will it be so forever - nah - even old real lighthouses crumble into the sea- years of bshing & wear & tear- they fall... in ... the... end...... everything dies man.

human nature i'd say- rather than malice on their parts (tho it feels mighty bad to us) .

they're sooooo immersed in "me first land" they can't even see and don't care to look at what they may be doing to us. either of them. they won't look, don't want to know and do not specifically6 want to take any responsibility for anyone's happiness other than their own. (THO- MIND YOU- WTF IS THIS BIT of paying bills and supporting us, keeping us around in the stinking closet, etc.)

i cannot even imagine- i'm allover the place today. my own h is probably in his stupid car driving his stupid self to see his stupid cow of an ow- even as we speak. stupid, stupid, stupic

it screws with me- make no mistake. just for rite now, today, i am not letting it "disable" me. hoping in future (as past has shown) i'll get "harder" and "harder" about it. who knows- one day maybe it will not matter at all.

one day- who knows, maybe i will have a new bettr different life that replaces the old one in my mind & heart. and maybe you too- it's just not here today. we suck it up.

who knows, maybe i'll drop dead at school today- ta da, his problems allllll over. who knows, maybe he'll drop dead and i'll have all my problems over- like it or not. (i am NOT wishing he does btw)

honestly dawn- i look at my mother and my sister that's dead too young- and i cannot get up the "juice" today to figure out anything going on in life.

seriously- capture now the magic of this "for the moment" thing. if you can.

i'm trying like mad- i'm busy and have somewhere to go.

i think it's the key for guys like you and me rite now, at this point in the stinking 'PROCESS" (YEAH, TRUST THE PROCESS??? WE'RE OBVIOUSLY HAVING TROUBLE WITH THAT)

however- find something to go to to distract you.

i know easier said than done- but if i can get this stinking ole substutute teaching thing going on- anyone can find SOMETHING.


hang on dearie- xxoo

[nero]

hey dawn- i thought i wrote to you yesterday saying go look at your e-mails. i've got problems with our plans- it's a mess here (as usual)

xxoo hope things are good.

[albamarie]

Good morning, I'm still learning from my experience having actually met and spoken to real life people about this MLC world. I have brought back all the faces, the sounds of their voices, and the look in their eye, and I let myself understand that I am not alone. I felt like such a victim, and meeting some of you has helped me see how wrong I was.

The strength of will and faith along with self preserverance was shown to me and I am stronger for it, and I realize just how much I do need friends, I can be in my own way too much!

I have not lived my few days home jumping into the same ole habits. I have put my family and my needs in front of me, not my past with H, and am going forward. I have made a deal that even with H, I will not bring MLC spiel from the past into my present. I will not listen to or encourage any more spiel. I will stop needing his attention!

Funny how I had to go away and look in on what and who I have in my life, to be able to see past the MLC vail I put up. I can even hear my H say, enjoy your family, let me go, don't follow me, I don't want you in my chaos.

I have stared to think of my future as just that, mine. My kids lives around me are changing, I can't live for only them any more. My S26 just bought an engagement ring, time and life are never going to stay still for MLC or me, so I need to be on board.

I am going to need my friends, my faith and my DBing, and my kick in the butt, it's not good to be alone.

[RosaLinda]

I'm glad you feel that the future is yours Dawn, and am glad to know you are on my side! Ready to kick my butt if needed, it helps! You sound good, not falling back into old habits. That is my goal this weekend too, but have unfortunately found myself falling back into the old habit of allowing my H's crabbiness to make ME feel sad. Dumb huh? Why should WE feel sad just because some crazy MLCer is snarky to us??? Ignore ignore, my new motto!

I wish I could visit you - you could feed me cups of tea in your New York mug, and I could sniff your grandson! Instant PMA booster!