yeah - i know. the thing of feeling crushed (initialy) when people who are really the most important people in your life - decide to let you know it's not mutual. i still scrtch my head about the whole "you care too much" junk.
i think what it means to them is something like - "" i'm a shallow jackass who (at this moment) is bored or feeling like life is passing me by or too hard - so i'm going to lash out a bit here and make you miserable - just to make sure i have alot of power over someone- even a lacky like you- just because it makes me feel big and powerful and in control - of something (if even only my faithful minion) uh hem - that would be you. you know- see how far i can push and how much you'll suck up...."""
if i had to guess
why- do not know- self gratification of some sort.
it is wierd - i'm still glad (overall) that as a kid & even adult mostly- i did not know or even think about the whole "where you stand in your mother's affections" thing". i pretty much assumed both my parents loved us all- and i'm tryin to stick with it til i croak. i mean, what possible good could it do now to re-inspect allllllll that.
i always have to say- thank God i had my sister Linda as my "irish twin" for my entire life (well, til she died five years ago). My youth was fun, even when it wasn't, because i had this constant companion & sidekick.
i wonder now, if part of my assumption that i'm a happier person in general when i have someone to share my life with, is simply an extention of that. The whole being a part of a big family & part of a "couple" with her or h??.
Just something in life i value like mad and miss now that she's gone. I sure wish i could have "saved" her - i'm not sure that i really could have - the whole addiction thing is sure a tough one to fight off. particularly someone elses addiction. I'd say in retrospect, when it is an important person to you- there will ALWAYS be a little part of you that "goes there" and wonders how much better you could have done, or of course, there is always more one could have done or do.
i know it's fruitless - just part of being human i guess. assuming a bit of responsibility.
This mlc thing- i find myself millions of times thinking about my "part" in it all- allllll the things i could have done better. THEN i get to the bit of - HONEST - I ALWAYS accepted him for what and who he was. No criticism and no demands to be something else- or change - or not do exactly what he wanted to do. wierdly enough- i now think sometimes i SHOULD HAVE been a bigger B!tch. if i were - i'm sure now i'd be thinking i shouldn't have been.
there's just no good answer to be had is there, really?....
it's that darn "is what it is" thing. i hate that- accepting fate and life's changes with a philosophical & neutral mind.
still working on that- neutral mind. more there than i used to be- not quite total buddha girl yet.
oh well- happily or sadly- i find myself going a whole day sometime and not even thinking about h.
i wonder what the heck he thinks he is supposed to be to me - and in my life. (and of course, why in the world he even is still in my life?) FOR a man who makes his living with his tongue (lawyer) he sure has nothing to ever say aoubt his feelings or emotions - if there are any there). that's ever - even back when he was mad nuts in love with me- inarticulate.
gee - ya think i picked "my mom?" or ya think i missed a HUGE flashing warning signal "EMOTIONAL DAMAGE" !! "EMOTIONAL DAMAGE!!! " (run like the wind little feather)...
when i think about living like this forever - it's not very tasty idea. HOWEVER, IT'S waaaay better than alot of people - i try and remind myself always. you know- list the good.
i guess since i met this guy when i'd just gotten married to ex-h who turned out to have some violence issues- i can always meet a new life=mate while i'm here doing this life - rite???
within my own comfort zone - i think i am living the life i'd be living in any context, with or without some other person rite now. i am not a party animal - or EVER a real "on the move" kinda person. i'm homey and craftie & artie and like people and have friends - garden, etc.
i keep wondering what exactly more i "should be" doing to gal- and i keep coming up dry. if im living as i would when times are good or bad- what more is there that i should be shooting for?
i am feeling very grateful to be able to feel some pleasure doing things i used to like doing. i would like to never ever feel that misery again in life. ever. ever. ?
I LIKED YOUR bit of info about lottery winners. i think it's true - the more people are lured away from their comfort zone by money & all kinds of exotic wonderfulness - the more they just forget who they are and what makes them happy i think. i have to say these chillie fall mornings - putzing in the garden one tiny bit before or after working - even working (gasp - who would ever think i'd say it) gives me a good contrast and makes me happier to be home when i am. renewed interest - just becasue I have to go be somewhere else.
isn't it sad that even tho i realize it fully- it's still true (of us all)? taking the good things for granted is the true crime in life. how screwed up are humans that they need the bad junk to make them appreciate the good junk?
also honestly - still, after all is said and done - i'd have to say that merely the fact that i am or was "always available" is my biggest crime. not making h "work" hard enough to have me? no challenge? .
do we all really need to always make someone work for love? ya have to wonder. my mother- she's a master of it. i'd say inside she probably loves us all- i think - but wonder sometimes also.
. as far as being able to say it or act it or make anyone feel it- not happenin. people in general love her- her kids - she always managed to always have everyone feeling like crappola stacked up against the other guys- i mean, is it a talent or an inadvertent character flaw or a life's persuit? jacking everyone around for your own amusement?
i used to think it was accidental. last bunch of years - - she's said things that honestly make me think she likes the bickering & comparing & CONTROL & POWER. gOD, I guess i'd rather live a crappola life alone than have to be a person who makes everyone around me , that cares about me, feel less good than someone else. what an m.o.
eeeeeek- h also for that matter. if the best he can do to express his unhappiness with his life or sitch - is to blame and criticize a good old standby goofis like me- well, how very sad for him.
wonder really if the day will come when i walk out of his life and what his face will look like when i say i hope his choice to replace me in his life/heart will always makes him happy. so long sucker.
he doesn't even see it like that. he doesn't even think about it at all or see it at all - as anything i think.
he's like an animal just bashing thru life, doing what he feels like that moment- regardless of the animals around him or what he says or does to them (alot like my mom) never ever ever seeing the other guys point of view- or feelings, etc.
how in the world do people like that go thru life and be soooo likeable to sooo many people - and so superficial too?
i still cannot tell if i've always given those guys too much credit as essentially decent and good people - or if they are really - or if i'm nuts or overly romantic - or i have too many expectations or what in the world is going on.
i alwasy thought it was all about -you like or love someone- you do. they like or love you- we all treat each other as we'd like to be treated. that is all.
do onto others kind of thing- this blame & criticize & pick & so on- wtf???
okay- no extra charge and sorry for long rant- just moseying thru here- with my coffee- i need to get dressed & varnish the teeny tiny kitchen floor one more time- and shower- etc before need to get to work for 9:30 (short wierd day- but i'll take it of course)
xxo - life is sure jacked up - isn't it? it's being able to have a comparison that makes it bad sometimes isn't it? being able to remember how good it was - how it felt when it was really great - i'd say it makes anyone yearn for THAT again. human nature? (hey- saying that- is that what our jacked up and simplistic h's felt when they went awol? just thinking "the excitement" was worth chucking allllllll they had in us for "that" again? foolish men- well, my h - foolish man.
oh well huh???? i hate it when i have a moment of clarity- would i have chucked EVERYTHING if some guy was making himself soooooo easy & available i jumped in (or on? ) ...
i don't think so- i loved all the things that replaced it but were less exciting. oh well-
