I actually feel OK. Just want to get this part sorted.
M36 W31 S4 S2 T5 M4 BD Jan12 S July12 Recon Sep12-Nov12 ILBINILWY Jan13 OM x 2 in 2013 W wants R July 13 I start D. Jan 14. Meet GF Nov 13 Have I changed enough? Jul 14
Thoughts are with you T! You have come so far with controlling your emotions. Proud of you man. You may not know it yet and you won't feel it yet, but the respect you have for yourself for the rest of your line because of the way you are handling this will priceless. I don't know how I would be feeling with thing being over. I was at that point you are, were I was goo with whatever happened, 5 months ago. Now we are moving readily ahead and putting the past behind us. The reason I think you are doing the right thing by being "done for now" Is because I have witnessed it firsthand. My W had finally decided she wanted To change and has put work in with MC and individually. Because SHE wanted to. If your W ever wants to then she can, until then I think you have to love forward. All the best, hang in there T
M 37 W 30 S 7 Together 10 years Married 9 years BD: 12/12/12(W filed same day) I moved to apartment 1/11/13 W and S moved to MIL 1/11/13 Peicing: 6/3/13 Reconciled: 7/2013 BD2: 4/20/16 still working on it
I'm looking forward to the rest of my life and I feel good about myself. Getting replies like that from W do bring me down slightly if only for a limited time. I'm quite happy with how I am currently able to remove emotion from it all.
I was reading your thread yesterday, it looks like things are going well for you guys. Your putting the hard work in and it's paying off. I'm happy for you both.
M36 W31 S4 S2 T5 M4 BD Jan12 S July12 Recon Sep12-Nov12 ILBINILWY Jan13 OM x 2 in 2013 W wants R July 13 I start D. Jan 14. Meet GF Nov 13 Have I changed enough? Jul 14
This is my reply that I have drafted but not sent:
Hi,
I have no intentions of insulting you W.
When we lived together we ALL lived off £120 a month which included food, clothes and entertainment. You have been receiving the equivalent of 14.5% of my weekly wage. I have been paying what you asked for since last November whether I could afford it or not. My financial position has gotten much worse since you left. Not only am I on less at work but I am giving you money each month that we never had in the first place. I have seen a solicitor a few times. The last time I spoke with them they said even though legal aid isn't available, help with the court fees are available for people on benefits. It says on the gov.uk website: "You may be able to get help with the court fees if you're on benefits or a low income." If you have checked that out then fair enough.
There was a house valuation done by an independent properly valuator two weeks ago. The equity minus debt, solicitor and estate agent fees in the house is £3000. I am offering all of that.
You say I want for nothing but nothing could be further from the truth. I am living in a house I cannot afford and that won't sell. I cannot sell or remortgage because of the Matrimonial Home Rights. (I don't know what you do about that, can you ask her to revoke it?) I am getting further and further into debt every month. Now that the CSA are involved this will get worse much quicker. If the house gets taken off me there won't be any equity to give out let alone share.
It is my wish to get out of this mess resolve this through sensible negotiations and settle with the best possible results for everyone. There is only so much I can do with what I have or don't have.
If we can that would be great. Where would you like to go from here?
T1000
F, why would it matter if the letter doesn't sound like her? Wouldn't you get help with something this important just like T is. I know I've come here often for help with communication. Everything is not nefarious.
Good luck T, I hope the edit is helpful to you. Even if you don't use it exactly it may help you think it through more thoroughly.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
This is my reply that I have drafted but not sent:
Hi,
I have no intentions of insulting you W.
When we lived together we ALL lived off £120 a month which included food, clothes and entertainment. You have been receiving the equivalent of 14.5% of my weekly wage. I have been paying what you asked for since last November whether I could afford it or not. My financial position has gotten much worse since you left. Not only am I on less at work but I am giving you money each month that we never had in the first place. I have seen a solicitor a few times. The last time I spoke with them they said even though legal aid isn't available, help with the court fees are available for people on benefits. It says on the gov.uk website: "You may be able to get help with the court fees if you're on benefits or a low income." If you have checked that out then fair enough.
There was a house valuation done by an independent properly valuator two weeks ago. The equity minus debt, solicitor and estate agent fees in the house is £3000. I am offering all of that.
You say I want for nothing but nothing could be further from the truth. I am living in a house I cannot afford and that won't sell. I cannot sell or remortgage because of the Matrimonial Home Rights. (I don't know what you do about that, can you ask her to revoke it?) I am getting further and further into debt every month. Now that the CSA are involved this will get worse much quicker. If the house gets taken off me there won't be any equity to give out let alone share.
It is my wish to get out of this mess resolve this through sensible negotiations and settle with the best possible results for everyone. There is only so much I can do with what I have or don't have.
If we can that would be great. Where would you like to go from here?
T1000
F, why would it matter if the letter doesn't sound like her? Wouldn't you get help with something this important just like T is. I know I've come here often for help with communication. Everything is not nefarious.
Good luck T, I hope the edit is helpful to you. Even if you don't use it exactly it may help you think it through more thoroughly.
Thanks Bug,
Your version is a better response although I want her to have some idea of what my situation is, she is a natural mind-reader, much better at it than I have ever been. She doesn't need to pity me but I don't sound like she has a clue of where I am if she thinks I'm being insulting and wanting for nothing.
Plus I already sent the original.
I appreciate the input!
M36 W31 S4 S2 T5 M4 BD Jan12 S July12 Recon Sep12-Nov12 ILBINILWY Jan13 OM x 2 in 2013 W wants R July 13 I start D. Jan 14. Meet GF Nov 13 Have I changed enough? Jul 14
CSA I got the letter from the CSA yesterday and spoke to them on the phone and it's getting set up.
Just so you know they told me to stop giving you any money like I have been doing as from yesterday now that they are involved.
I didn't want it to get to early next month and you were wondering why I haven't sent you anything.
I would be grateful if you could inform me beforehand about any changes you are making.
Kids We need to discuss S1's birthday. I'm open to moving the weekends about as long as I can see him on his birthday.
T1000"
Ideally I don't want to be sending multiple emails about different things right now. The world doesn't just stop because we want it to.
M36 W31 S4 S2 T5 M4 BD Jan12 S July12 Recon Sep12-Nov12 ILBINILWY Jan13 OM x 2 in 2013 W wants R July 13 I start D. Jan 14. Meet GF Nov 13 Have I changed enough? Jul 14
W is being very quiet about the email I sent her. Slightly concerned at what she might be planning...
The more I think about it the more I am willing to meet W nearer her figure. Every month I'm not remortgaged it £320 I'm not saving. Something I forgot about is her car. That's worth a few k and that's a joint asset.
Saw something amusing on FB yesterday. One of W's friends who last time I saw her (few months ago) was in an R and he was going to adopt her kids and get M. She has gone through multiple R's but they never lasted, this one looked different. Her latest update is in a new R. I thought that was a quick turnaround.
One of her statements is: "So I'm moving on with a great guy who supports me emotionally and ignores my negativity"
I thought, wow! After being on here and seeing people work on themselves it blows my mind when I see things like this.
M36 W31 S4 S2 T5 M4 BD Jan12 S July12 Recon Sep12-Nov12 ILBINILWY Jan13 OM x 2 in 2013 W wants R July 13 I start D. Jan 14. Meet GF Nov 13 Have I changed enough? Jul 14
How quickly they sometimes forget that THEY are the ones who are forcing separation/divorce and THEY are the ones who move YOUR children away from YOU. Selective memory is so convenient.
I'm not trying to fuel your fire, T, just so flabbergasted sometimes at the behavior, attitudes, and sense of entitlement of some WAS's who put themselves in certain situations by making decisions and then blame others for the consequences of those decisions.
I'm sorry you have to go through this garbage and wish you all the best. Be honorable and who YOU want to be. Don't let anyone or anything distract you or get in your way.
-PM
M:12y - BD:12/11 - D:6/13 - 4Ds
"The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy." -MLK Jr.
