Questions without answers...I'm tired of asking.

[albamarie]

The scariest thing I think right now is not knowing whether or not this is it for me, this is the man I am to live my life out with, and things will get better. Or, this is a waist of time and there is a better road for me that will yield a good life with all that it brings.

I'm scared to jump and I'm scared to keep standing for such uncertainty. I am being still, standing in place, but I can't help but feel like I'm sinking.

Now I understand that I am not unique nor do I think I have any less/more of a grasp on this than anyone else. I am only trying to be truthful.

The loneliness comes from not having my best friend, the person I chose to trust with my greatest fears and thoughts, happiness and love, the person who started out as a stranger and became my partner. Singularly, it could seem like a list of emotions that can be foefilled by accomplishments, family, work, and friends, but together they were the makings of a M, my M.

What I have to face is that he is gone. He can mold into the person he will be when he's ready, but that very well will not include me. I am still reeling from being sideswiped by this whole thing, even after all this time, I am still amazed at how far he has turned from me, and it doesn't help me, that he still remains tethered to me.

I understand why...I'm home, even tho he fights home he knows it's safe. But, what about how that affects me? I will need to be let go very soon at this point, I am not able to move forward. Is that what I need to work on, probably.