Dragon, isn't this your second marriage, or did I read wrong?
If it is, what changes do you have to make so we don't see you here again?
This is my second marriage. However circumstances in my first marriage were beyond my control. My first wife was diagnosed with a brain tumor. Long story short, she had the tumor removed, but it left her personality profoundly altered. She was hostile and aggressive nearly all the time, and not just towards me. I knew it wasn't her fault and I stuck it out for years. (She refused the recommended medication and therapy.) While the emotional abuse was difficult, her belief I was the source of all her trouble just wore me down. (Her doctors told me it would probably never get better if she refused treatment.) After a year or more of her threatening divorce, I said let's get divorced. As terrible as it seems, I felt such relief.
Towards the end, my now second wife and I developed a platonic friendship over our common interests. It wasn't until after my divorce was final that we started dating. I knew the risks of going from one relationship into another, but I thought I was careful. We were happy for five years before we finally married. This doesn't feel the same at all. BD was just that, a total surprise and what felt out of proportion to our problems. I don't feel relief but complete and total loss.
Sorry to hear about your first M, that is really rough, I can't imagine the emotions and dealing on that one.
I think it's an amazing person that can love another so wholly after the previous ordeal you went through. It sounds like you are still in a grieving process for your current W and your M.
I know this is redundant by now but Take little steps to focus on you, show the happy Dragon.
Me:49 H:47 S: 16 T:27 M:25 My EA: 2001 His PA: 10/2007, 6/2013 Separated, but H still in house
Find your Shambala: a place of peace and happiness.
Today was unexpected. My wife asked me this morning if I hated her. I told her that I could never hate her. For the rest of the day, she did not avoid me or ignore me, but sought me out to ask me things she could easily find out somewhere else; she shared gossip; she talked about things happening at work; she took care of things for me that she did not have to; and she asked when she could help me with something else later this week. If the past year had never happened, I would have said it was a normal day. It reminded me of the wife I know (knew?) and love. Of course, I know this is also script, but it is the first time she has been hot after months of being cold and distant. I kept things light and friendly, but I am so confused. I understand I cannot buy into this as a positive change, but it makes me miss my wife and marriage all-the-more.
Sorry to hear about your first M, that is really rough, I can't imagine the emotions and dealing on that one.
I think it's an amazing person that can love another so wholly after the previous ordeal you went through. It sounds like you are still in a grieving process for your current W and your M.
I know this is redundant by now but Take little steps to focus on you, show the happy Dragon.
I think I recovered from my first marriage because I had the support of so many sympathetic friends and my then platonic friendship with my future wife. I also did not know how much more there could be to love. In my second marriage, my love was much deeper and more profound. I accepted her sometimes thorny exterior because the person inside was so special. I did not put her on a pedestal, I saw her as she really was after being together for five years. When you see everything, the good and the bad, and still feel love you know it is the real thing. I really took the big picture with our marriage.
Back to cold today. I did not initiate any contact and I did not see or hear from her at all. That is really some sort of feat when you consider we work only a few hundred feet apart. I know it is not DB/DR, but I wish there was some way to know that she even thought about us, the good times that we have had, the unconditional support.
Self help books and this forum seem geared for the LBS. I see comments about the WAS needing to make their journey. Why does it seem like there are no books to explain this behavior? Why doesn't counseling have some proven therapy for helping people with this condition? Why is selfishness justified? Everything treats it as some sort of unexplainable period of time in ones life that may have been brought about by problems in their marriage, in their life, or both. I can imagine so many reasons why someone would want out of their marriage. When none of those reasons apply, how is it that people still leave? I do not believe if our roles were reversed that my wife would make the same effort to learn, improve, and understand. I feel disposable.
Quite honestly, I think that the WAS are so completely out of their heads, I'm not sure if any books, counseling, etc would help them in that moment. I likened it almost as a nervous breakdown to someone, one time.
Quote:
When none of those reasons apply, how is it that people still leave?
It's interesting to me that as my W has less and less reason to leave, she becomes more angry and adamant - you nailed it!
Quite honestly, I think that the WAS are so completely out of their heads, I'm not sure if any books, counseling, etc would help them in that moment. I likened it almost as a nervous breakdown to someone, one time.
I totally agree. Books geared towards the WAS would quickly end up in the bargain bin covered with dust and cobwebs, LOL! The WAS is not interested in hearing about their problems, they want to assign blame for all their problems to the LBS. And they do NOT take kindly to someone telling them that perhaps they should look within. Eventually some of them get there, but it takes a long time.
Thanks Pud. I guess I was wondering why there is nothing to help people understand what the WAS is experiencing / going through. The complete lack of answers leaves a huge hole in my heart. Have you noticed the majority of MLC books are about men? I think there are certainly elements of MLC in my sitch., but good luck finding a good book about the wife's MLC and the husband holding the tattered remains of their M.
