lovethehub- Why do I not think it is in the boys' best interests to stay overnight at their dad's during the school week? I am a teacher & I have seen LOTS of children of divorced parents over the years and no matter how amicable the D the children are always in the middle-- backpacks left at dad's, homework at mom's, whose house are they going to today?- DK! I believe that it is in their best interest to be in ONE HOME-in my boys case-the home they have grown up in.
It has NOTHING to do with restricting time w their dad. He is a good father & I would not keep them from ever seeing one another.
willbwell- yes, I remember how similar our sitch's are. Thanks for your comments about cute guy. I want MORE than a cute guy. I want the connection and not just the attraction. But, I also think that I WILL find someone to share my life with down the road...sometimes I just get anxious for the future to be now.
I understand the whole "ring" thing too. For me when I took it off in July, I thought I was completely done....ready to D. It actually felt like "living a lie" to wear it... my M was over and I was still wearing a ring- why? So, when I took it off, I felt a little more free to detach and to move toward acceptance. If H and I ever R, he will need to buy me a new ring! LOL!!!
adinva- why does the child custody sitch change based on my M status? Because in my state the minimum amount of overnights usually awarded to the non-custodial parent is 2 nights, so I will have no choice but to agree to an overnight during the week UNLESS I chose to give up every weekend (which I consider to be the best quality time, so will not do that).
PS- I don't think boys see anything between H & I that would lead them to believe their dad is moving back in. Boys and I talk about the situation as it is & I never ever mention the possibility of H coming back. Of course I believe EVERY child of D'ed parents has HOPE that their parents will R, even after D. Even after parents have moved and and remarried. Nothing will ever replace having both mom and dad together in same home.
M- 18 T-21 S-14,11 & 10 BD 6-18-2012 (OW-EA) H moved out 11-3-2012 10-5-13 Me- I want a divorce. I want to move on w my life. 11-25-13 Jointly filed.
As a dad, one thing that I NEVER negotiated was minimum 50% of my time with my kids. XW1 wasn't very wise. I ended up with my kids Wednesday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday - every week.
However, even now, XW1 works nights which means even the days she has the kids, she is typically sleeping. My kids love her, so I work a lot with her.
Jon & others- I don't know why a lot of you think I'm trying to limit the time my boys spend w their dad!
He sees them EVERY DAY after school for 1-3 hours! He sees me one weekend night AND during both weekend days (if he chooses). I have NEVER said he can't see them. In fact at times I have encouraged time together when H has chosen to step back.
50% of time can look A LOT different than the conventional model. It doesn't mean they have to sleep at his 1-bedroom apartment to have quality time with him ( & quantitative too).
Please understand everyone has a different view about what they think is the best for their children...I just happen to believe that ONE HOME is best.
M- 18 T-21 S-14,11 & 10 BD 6-18-2012 (OW-EA) H moved out 11-3-2012 10-5-13 Me- I want a divorce. I want to move on w my life. 11-25-13 Jointly filed.
WOW, what is happening here has made me realize something.
As a LBS I WISH my W was as invested in D3.5 as you are with your with your S's.....Then again, if she was, we would have a rallying point for R. People who are married and both share our mindset dont end up here.
As I get absorbed by these sitch's, these stories, I NOW realize that most of the time there is one "better"(more nurturing)parent that "Gets it".
but too many times the words you and I speak. "Wanting the children to have stability" " Same bed" "a home" "consistency" "Best for our children" etc..........are used by horribly wretched people as buzz words to attack and seek revenge on their WAW.
I know that is not you, I have the luxury of knowing you. Unfortunately, those words are like daggers through the heart of so many here as ugly custody battles may draw near.
Being selfish for your kids is awesome. Being an educator im sure you see waaay to many parents that aren't.
What are you doing up at 12:08 on a school night?????
ME 38 W 37 T18 M5 D3 BD 1/7/13 PA Conf 2/11/13- Ongoing 2nd simultaneous affair Confirmed 4/19/13 W gets APT and begins transition out 5/29/13 First mediation appt 12/19/13
Everyone here with kids should read "The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce: A 25 Year Landmark Study" by Judith Wallerstein. I think MWD may mention this study in one of her books.
Me-45 W-44 T-7 years M-3 years (4th anniversary July 13, but we're separated) Kids from previous relationships (s14 d16 mine, s23, s24 hers)
As a LBS I WISH my W was as invested in D3.5 as you are with your with your S's.....Then again, if she was, we would have a rallying point for R. People who are married and both share our mindset dont end up here.
That's certainly not true in my case. My W has been a loving mother throughout this sitch just as I've been a loving father. Nothing has changed in that regard, and it certainly isn't leading us to reconciliation. In fact I've mentioned before in my thread that I think that was a big contributing factor to our M failing- we were both very devoted parents but let our M fade into oblivion as our parenting became more and more active as the kids grew up. It does seem like most WAS's distance from their kids as well as their LBS, but not always.
Originally Posted By: 2ndtimearoundCA
Everyone here with kids should read "The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce: A 25 Year Landmark Study" by Judith Wallerstein. I think MWD may mention this study in one of her books.
I googled it and it's available for free on the 'net in PDF form. Just started reading it, wow it's really an eye-opener. Of course it's the WAS that really needs to read it, but good luck with that!
Hi GTO I have been reading along your journey. I feel for you so much because I understand what you are going through. I think the time you are taking for yourself is the best thing you can do. I'm glad you like your new job. I am also a teacher and I relate to what you say about seeing the daily effects on children going from one house to another.
As - thanks will look it up
TPS Me: 44 H: 42 M14 T17 S10 D7 10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month 21/04/12 H is 'DONE' 04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010) July '14 H ends affair May '15 H moves back home
Oh and my H completely distanced himself from me and the kids. The whole package.
TPS Me: 44 H: 42 M14 T17 S10 D7 10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month 21/04/12 H is 'DONE' 04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010) July '14 H ends affair May '15 H moves back home
