Wife moved out, won't come back home

[newton0]

This is my second marriage. We began having problems back in 3008 when we moved from CA to NC to a house she 'just had to have'. The same problems from my first marriage came right back, chiefly inability to communicate, which led to needs not being met and hurts building up to a point of detachment and contempt. Since then we have separated many times, some times as long as six months. Upon getting back together, we would work for a few weeks on the marriage then stop. Nothing was ever resolved. Eventually, we turned into a largely platonic couple, devoid of intimacy on any level. I was very unhappy, but could not figure out a way to grow and facilitate change. This lead to excessive drinking, affairs (on my part), and blow-ups caused by alcohol.

The last six months I noticed W seemed to be simply 'there'; in essence she gave up trying, which made making effort on my part very difficult. She seemed 'OK' living in this manner as long as I didn;t rock the boat with alcohol fueled arguments (where I let my frustration out).

Things were going OK before the last blow-up, but I felt she was being cold to me and I wanted desperately to be close to her, simply to hold her hand. I had been drinking, and while we were watching a movie, got up, got dressed, and said I was going out to meet someone who really wants to be with me.

And I left.

When I came home, she was gone.

I did my usual pleading and apologizing, but she would have none of it. She's been gone three+ weeks now. And while we have been attending joint therapy, there has been little forward progress. She can't or won't articulate what she wants, and the last session was entirely about everything I did wrong in the marriage. The therapist said she is suffering from depression (which I have been telling her for years), but she dismissed that claim as something I was trying to use against her in a divorce.

I was finally able to get her to see our primary care doctor today for blood work and depression (she is chronically tired), but she told the doctor she wasn't really that depressed and got a low dosage of something if she wants to try. I was very disappointed when I found that out.

I have stopped drinking, and am trying to work on the marriage but she is giving me NOTHING! She is very unhappy with her own life (feels she's wasted the last 11 years and hasn't advanced at all career-wise). She has a job that makes her miserable but won't quit since it's 'all she has'. She hates our house (feels isolated and trapped because she claims I don't want her friends over, which is patently untrue and the therapist said was a communication misfire).

Yesterday I stopped by at her work and dropped-off a coupon for a massage I pre-paid for her and new mouse for her laptop which was broken. She seemed happy & texted me stating gratitude later, but then goes out for lunch with her friend despite the fact that I asked her to lunch today.

Madness!

I'm tempted to file on one-hand and get back on Match and be through with this.

The only other option is to detach and focus on myself and not be affected by her actions or lack thereof.

The problem with the latter is that her behavior is largely based upon her interpretation of mine towards her. She feels that I want to dispose of her for someone better, so if I disengage, I run the risk of confirming her erroneous belief.

We have a therapy session on Friday, but I am tempted to blow it off and go on a motorcycle trip with friends. She could always go alone (and she should as she has a lot of issue to work through). Again I'm afraid she'll interpret this as me not caring...

I've asked the therapist for advice on this.