on the edge...

[sandi2]

Newcomer posts are monitored when they first come to the board. You should start seeing them show up faster.

Your female friend....has your W always known about this friendship? Is she acquainted with this lady? Do you ever spend time or contact your friend that your W knows nothing about? And, is your friend married?

There was no arguing or convincing or any of that but I made it a point to tell her that, although I am trying my tail off, it is very difficult for me to keep things between her and I moving in a positive direction when the affair is still happening. I realize that this isnt good DBing and I should be ignoring the affair but it is honestly how I felt and wanted her to understand that. She said she would think about things, would probably end the affair and would let me know that night on the drive home.

Being able to talk with no arguing is very positive. Since you've stated how you feel about the A and OM, you need not do it again.

I'm not sure where you got the idea that good DBing was to ignore her A while she continues. That sure would not help you or the MR. But if you plan to stay with her, in spite of her A, then there are other ways you can handle it. MWD gives a lot of suggestions in her DR book.

I didn't have to fight the overwhelming desire to kiss her, have sex or otherwise have some physical manifestation of our intimacy.

That's good b/c those desires are usually due to needing reassurances after discovering an A.

I was content to just sit on the couch next to her and watch TV. I did kind of feel a calmness about the situation. However, when i thought about the affair and the fact that she had spent the night with him just two nights ago, i was still very angry. This anger was different than the past though in that it didn't cause me to have an intense need to talk about it.

Your feelings will be a roller coaster from day to day.

So - she has decided to come back to the marriage before and its never stuck. What I understand now is that it probably hasnt stuck because of my reaction. Before I thought that just her making that decision meant that she was committed and we were immediately back to where we were a few months ago - ready to plan our future together, have sex again, have a kid, etc. Now I understand that we're exactly where we were a few months ago but a few months ago, we were not where I thought we were. Like I said above, my goal for the next few weeks is to be even keeled, do plenty of things for myself, be there for her and do things with her but not overly so and above all, no arguments, no relationship talk and no OM talk.

A successful MR does not just fall into place.....especially after an A. Ending the affair is the first step. Can you forgive her? Can you not ask questions about what they did? Right now you are relieved. You feel like you won her. But that feeling doesn't last very long, and it certainly doesn't carry you through more difficult days to come.

Both of you need a plan. I would suggest you not use the word "accountability" with her. She will be very defensive and super sensitive. You need to be able to trust her and she needs to feel she's not being punished.

A solution based therapists gives solutions to apply toward the problems. Your M needs a plan of operation or it may not withstand everything it will face in the months to come. Both of you need an expert in healing from the A.

Of course this board can help with support toward you, but both of you should choose some marriage healing program that will guide you back to a healthy place. I don't recommend regular counseling sessions.

Again, right now, I don't think its wise to push her for accountability but at the same time, it certainly would help out a ton in keeping things positive between her and I. Any suggestions on how to approach this with her? Should I just let it lie for a bit?

I will get back with you more about this later. I understand how you want things to settle for a bit. However, don't let a few days run into a week. If she is not "willing" to work on the M now....that will be telling. Does she seem remorseful? It's important that she is sorry for her actions. Being angry doesn't cut it.

So, I'd say to use the rest of this week trying to take a break from the stress you've been experiencing. Keep things light between you at home. Watch funny shows or do fun activities. Be around positive folks. If she wants to discuss the R, then listen while you look deep into her eyes. Just really hear what she's saying.

I'll be back later.