Don't become defensive when she blames you. Don't walk around on eggshells. Be strong and assertive and W will actually respect you for it, even though she'll never admit it.
Thankfully, this is starting to become natural for me. I'm no longer afraid of her. When she gets mad, I don't sweat it and figure as long as I'm not being an a$$ that's her issue to work out. As long as I'm standing by my principles, she can get angry all she wants. This isn't going to be all fun and games, but I'm going to stick to my guns.
Oh! In other news, one of my kids noticed that I'm getting "buff." I guess my workouts are paying off
ETC
"Whether you worry or not has no affect on the outcome. But, moving forward, letting go, and making changes can." UrWorthy
So you've been working out a lot... I guess we could consider that as an positive side effect of our W's MLC.. haha.. what have been some of your other 180's? you said over on my post that you had some things to change that you didn't like before BD..... what are you those? have you done them?
M-39 W-41 T-9yrs BD-Dec 2012 “regardless of your choices and the fact that they may have caused me to experience painful emotions, I still love you because I recognize the purpose of our journey.”
what have been some of your other 180's? you said over on my post that you had some things to change that you didn't like before BD..... what are you those? have you done them?
works in progress:
- Become more decisive - Use assertive, direct communication versus a passive voice. - Learn to soothe my own anxieties and not rely so much on others for my own security - Become calmer, less impulsive and think before speaking and acting. - Be OK with not having answers all the time. - Learn to laugh at myself and not be so up tight - Live in the moment and be OK not rushing around from event to event - Be more physically active - Put kids and family before personal hobbies. Be more engaged in kids' lives. - Stop passive aggressive behaviors - Stop judging and instead take people at face value - Be authentic and not concerned about what people think about me - Be more adventurous and willing to take risks - Listen with empathy and not try to one-up a story - Be less rigid about my spirituality and don't push it on anyone - Be considerate of family's and put their needs before my own social needs. - Don't always try to run the show.
These are a few from the top of my head.
ETC
"Whether you worry or not has no affect on the outcome. But, moving forward, letting go, and making changes can." UrWorthy
Nice! those are good.. and I think I have about 95% of those on my list as well... now are these things that your W pointed out all the time??? or just the last year or 6 months before BD??? I know my W only started pointing things out the last few months before BD... before that some of things she use to love about me she now hated... I only ask because if it was shortly before the BD then it may have never had been a problem in the first place.. she was just looking for reasons she could use to re-write history and make her actions justified.. I didn't get a chance to really read thru your stitch yet... is there OM?
M-39 W-41 T-9yrs BD-Dec 2012 “regardless of your choices and the fact that they may have caused me to experience painful emotions, I still love you because I recognize the purpose of our journey.”
Any advice on handling children who want their family back together? W is accusing me of building an army to manipulate her into coming back. How can I assure that I'm not doing this - even unconsciously? One D in particular is really frustrated w/W's decisions. W said she could set them straight so they understood her decisions but doesn't want to put their father (me) in bad light. W is frustrated that I want the family back together. I'm sticking to my principles (OK with working on M or D), but it's certainly not making her a happy camper. The kids sense that I don't want this... What can I do? For one, I can stop saying anything positive about W and treat her as a friendly acquaintance. Is this the way to go?
ETC
"Whether you worry or not has no affect on the outcome. But, moving forward, letting go, and making changes can." UrWorthy
just do and say what's best for you and your kids, and be consistent about it. Don't overthink every action or word. Don't become defensive when she blames you. Don't walk around on eggshells. Be strong and assertive and W will actually respect you for it, even though she'll never admit it.
Hi etc. I strongly agree with what Forever Young has said here!
You can only control yourself right now, and try not to worry about your W as much. She is acting confused and taking out her frustrations on you by the sounds of it. Stay strong and just be yourself. If you stay consistent with your actions, she will notice that over time.
Trying to detach more from your W for the moment would be a good idea. I know how hard this can be, to try not to let their emotions affect you. It seems she is trying to push your buttons right now.
Take the high road and just focus on yourself and the children. Deal with your wife only in regards to the children, finances, etc. If she starts with blaming you, I would just end the conversation. Try to be civil and try not get drawn into any arguments over who is at fault.
As for your children wondering if you don't want this, I would just take a neutral stance, and tell them that you just need space and time apart, but it wasn't anyone's fault. (even if it was!). You can still talk nicely about your W to them, I wouldn't worry about that.
Take care etc, -cp
M: 8 yrs T:14 Twins:7 S:5 BD:'NLILWY': Feb/2013 Mar/Apr/May: MC June: "living in limbo" Sept 12: H moves out Oct 20: reconciling Jan-Feb 2014:MC Feb 2014: separating, and H moved out.
Let it go, no matter what you say she is going to see you as the bad guy. Listen to your kids individually. Affirm their feelings.
Let them know you hear them. Then go do something to make them laugh and smile. Enjoy being with them and make a memory that is positive. You don't want them to look back at this time and their needs being unmet.
Start having some fun, and let the kids attitudes trickle back to their mom. She will start to wonder why you aren't moping anymore. Start looking awesome.
Start smelling awesome. Let her have her moods and deal with them on her own. It is something she needs and you need to really focus on your relationship with your kids.
They need you and you need to really make some great memories for them to cherish the rest of their lives.
To this day, my youngest daughter can recall a warm late Winter day with me in our hammock. We were bundled up in a blanket , reading and enjoying the sun beaming down on us. At the time I told her to remember this moment, our moment , and how much I love her.
She is 21 and remembers that time, that love. She as a young adult has compassion, love, acceptance and respect for me. She was there for me on my birthday this year. She gave me a card that stated how proud she was of me, how strong she thought I was, and how much love she has for me.
This is what YOU want to focus on. You can make such a difference in you children's lives, it will come back to you and you will NEVER EVER regret it! Love them, Love you.
Keep up the distance with respect and love. Keep it light, keep it non threatening. By that I mean no expectations. It will make her wonder why you've stopped. It does NOT go unnoticed, believe me...I'm living it!
<3 <3 <3
Formerly Workinprogress H :55 M :over 29 yrs. Together : 33 D : college D : adult BD and left : May 2013 Separated Experimenting/Replay
This is awesome Ambivalent! Thank you so much. I will refer to this post much over the weekend and keep making awesome new experiences with my kids. I need to let my W go on her journey and not constantly be sucked in - as hard as it is not to! Trouble is that my kids are currently in "want" frenzy. I need to show them that we can have a great time without buying things. This is a new goal right now.
Thanks for your advice too CP! I hope all is going well with you!
ETC
"Whether you worry or not has no affect on the outcome. But, moving forward, letting go, and making changes can." UrWorthy
I've been pretty dim lately. I've been striving to really leaving W to herself so she can get used to her new life w/o me since this is what she says she wants. When we're around each other for kid's events, she seem eager to tell me personal stuff, but I'm pretty disengaged so we don't get too far in the conversations. I wonder if I should be trying to engage more when she initiates? Maybe I'm being too dim when this happens? I keep figuring in my head that I need to get used to not talking to W, so I don't want to invest a lot of effort at this point unless she wants to R. Perhaps this shows that my antics are not coming from a place of love, but a place of wanting to "win" and game playing. I need to work with IC on this. Maybe I have BPD and W is perfectly justified to leave this craziness.
Anyhow, I found an old post by 25yearsmlc that really hits what I'm striving for right now:
"...sometimes it's about "winning" as opposed to loving. If this is your pride, then move on. But know there is a fine but important line between self respect and false pride. Many MANY people confuse them.
"Those angry prideful LBSers say "show the WASs the consequences" or "teach the WAS a lesson" and that is pride talking about taking punitive measures...not coming from a place of love. It Never helps, it Always backfires. Shaming them fails, as it should."
I want to meditate on this and find a new level of calmness this week. This is my prayer for now.
ETC
"Whether you worry or not has no affect on the outcome. But, moving forward, letting go, and making changes can." UrWorthy
