Looking for New Options If H Wants Divorce

[25yearsmlc]

If he is active duty he will have to pay something while the divorce is pending. At a minimum it's his BAQ (housing and food) and you'll still be covered under his insurance until the D is final.

Using adultery as a grounds for divorce btw, speeds it up. Using a no fault separation of a year, slows it down,

What does your L say? You need to get one asap.


Meanwhile, below is what my DB coach advised and she was a Godsend.

Do NOT show your anger to your h. It only fuels his desire to leave.

Applaud the 1% positives he does, loudly. This can be darn hard but it helps.

Your goal is for him to be able to be around you. So NO R talk from you.

If he brings it up, you LISTEN (consider it gathering 'intel' and tell him you need time to process all this. But remain calm. NO ATTACKS).

Listen like a lover. If he brings up work problems, support him and validate.

If he brings up an issue about the marriage here are your two responses b/c you do NOT Defend.

If he says something that is at least partly true that you did not handle well or hurt him, say

"I'm sorry about that. IF I had it all to do over again, there are lots of things I'd do differently."

If he says something you have NO recall of or very different recall of, say:

"Wow that's not how i remember it, but I'm sorry if you were hurt. IF I had it to do over again, there are plenty of things I'd do differently."



Both answers show your ability to change and acknowledgement of HIS point of view. Neither answer makes you a doormat. Practice them. They help diffuse a lot.

Show him thru your actions that you are changing. Not by telling him, but by being different. The 180s are crucial here and I have not heard a word from you about them.

What are your 180s? Get those out asap.



GAL. Yes we hammer it b/c we know it works. Overcoming inertia is the hardest part.

I joined a writer's group, auditioned for community theater, did stand up comedy, took a French class and an Italian cooking class, got a therapist, worked out and looked GOOD, took ADs for awhile, learned how to cross country ski, volunteered at a women's shelter, went on field trips with the kids class, joined the Officer's Wives club for the first time in 18 years and found two life long friends. I joined woman's team and coached a girl's softball team. I took a pottery class-very different for me, and I took flying lessons for my pilot's license. I also went skydiving. In short, I GAL.

There's more, literally but you get the point. NONE of these things cost much except the flying lessons.

A woman named purgatory was here a year or two back. Her h was active duty and was having an A with her bff. So she was doubly betrayed and had to do a lot of personal work, which her h DID notice b/c she stopped showing him resentment all the time...

She GAL and became a lot happier with who she was. I can tell you don't like feeling furious and bitter all the time and that's not who you want to be.

And it's not appealing to him either. So the anger is getting you nowhere.

Work on you. Become a woman only a fool would leave.

small consistent changes are what last more than single grand gestures.

change + sufficient time = change he can believe in.

As you work on you, turn your anger and this marriage over to God.


I had to turn my pain and anger over to Him, and I would say it out loud in the shower so the kids did not hear me. I did this sometimes 50 times in a shower, especially right before I thought h would call.

Thinking it, saying it and hearing myself say it, helps it sink in. It's a relief.

And when you know you have done your best, become your best self (which takes time and practice)

then leave it in God's hands and hold your head high.