Not Again?!

[Accuray]

Agree with Starsky, a confrontation is never a discussion. It will be you talking and her shouting or storming away. For unprepared LBS's, that is followed by the LBS begging and pleading for the WAS to take them back and work on the M, which is 100% doomed to fail.

There's a common theme I've found in much of the reading and research I've done on infidelity. Basically, until the OM/OW is out of the picture, there's really nothing that will impact a WAS in "the fog" of the A.

Correct, there is *nothing* you can do until OP is gone. Then, when OP leaves, your spouse will grieve the loss of that relationship and will likely be even more standoffish and meaner. The end of the affair is not the finish line, in most ways it's a starting line for what is sure to be a brutal journey.

I see you had the benefit of your W already having her relationship severed by OM. That must play a big role in the overall confrontation success. No?

No, W still went to "I want a divorce", "Our marriage was never good", "There is no chance we will ever reconcile" etc. The benefit was that I didn't have to sit on the sideline and watch the A continue to happen. By the time I found out about it, it was over.

Well, the "blocker" must me the OM. She's so ga-ga over him and spending time with him that I'm purely a pebble in her shoe. On the phone, my W and I can chat, laugh and speak freely. As soon as she walks iinto the house, however, she shuts down and tries to keep herself occupied to minimize interaction with me.

The OM is certainly a blocker, but probably not *the* blocker, there are probably others.

I realize she's cake eating and I do need to make my stand. Right now, I want to build myself up even stronger in her eyes as well as develop the confidence I'll need to survive once I confront her.

Very hard to do while living in the shadow of an A. The WAS will tend to give you an unending self-esteem beating. Physical distance can help a lot, but with kids and a house that's often not an easy option. Otherwise, GAL your @ss off.

I think I'll take a look at "Love must be tough" first.

I think it's another good source of insight to combine with the others. The book is outdated and the author spends a lot of time rationalizing how divorce can be okay from a biblical perspective. If you skip the religious stuff there are very good and practical suggestions there for how to handle cake eating.

Did you and your W stay in the same house after your confrontation? How did that go?

I found out about the A while W was on a 6 hour plane flight for a business trip. In my wretched state I left her a VM, told her I knew, and to call me when she landed. When she called several hours later I confronted her and got the bomb. From there we had conflicting travel schedules so were rarely together for the next 8 weeks or so. There were some nights we were together in the house. It was very awkward and uncomfortable but by then I had found DB and knew how to handle it. She offered to sleep in the other room and I told her she could do whatever she wanted. She stayed in the bed but it was a "no touching" period for many months.

That's another thing. I have no intention of leaving my own house. I just bought the thing 3 years ago and my W couldn't buy lunch on her credit!!

You should not move out. My sister is divorced and her exH's lawyer advised him not to move out until the last possible moment. There are legal reasons for staying, so you should consult a lawyer and understand what you're looking at in advance in case things go badly. You should really do that now.

That said, it may get to the point where you can't take it. You may need to move her out and help to support her new rent for the sake of your own sanity. Cross that bridge when you come to it.

I'd be interested to know how this played out for you.

I did not understand that my VERY BEST strategy was applying distance, and when people told me, I didn't believe them. If I had heeded that advice, I have no doubt we would have reconciled sooner, and I would have had more leverage in piecing.

Hindsight being 20/20, when she asked me for divorce I should have said "I believe in our marriage and I'm interested in preserving it, including making any changes I need to make. I won't stand in your way, however, so if you want to leave I will wish you well."

Then I should have gone dark and just started living my own life, treating her like a friendly co-worker but no more. Offering NO intimacy, making her wonder what I was thinking instead of sharing it, etc., but doing it in a loving rather than punishing way while demonstrating the results of my 180's through action.

I firmly believe that's the fastest path back. Anything else you want to know?

[doubledown]

Thanks Accuray! This is really helpful information. I appreciate you sharing your experience.

Wow! Lots to think about and digest.

[Starsky309]

Thanks Accuray! This is really helpful information. I appreciate you sharing your experience.

Wow! Lots to think about and digest.

Mastah say less "digest," and more "do," Grasshoppah.

Do your noodling and your planning, but don't take more than a week or two. Then ACT, double-D. You'll be getting on with your life sooner, and you'll have the double-bonus that action is ATTRACTIVE to a woman.

Don't let your PLANNING, fall into DITHERING.


Starsky


Starsky

[Starsky309]

I realize she's cake eating and I do need to make my stand. Right now, I want to build myself up even stronger in her eyes as well as develop the confidence I'll need to survive once I confront her.

Very hard to do while living in the shadow of an A. The WAS will tend to give you an unending self-esteem beating.

AGREE. This is especially difficult for a betrayed husband to pull off. The emasculation of the sheer enormity and truth of it all can be a real killer.


Starsky

[doubledown]

Thanks Hopeful:

No. This isn't living. It has to get harder, doesn't it?

Dark days.

[newman7977]

Do your noodling and your planning, but don't take more than a week or two. Then ACT, double-D. You'll be getting on with your life sooner, and you'll have the double-bonus that action is ATTRACTIVE to a woman.

Don't let your PLANNING, fall into DITHERING.


Starsky


Starsky

^^^yep the quicker you get there the better IMO.

For what it's worth I will share my mistakes.

I got the bomb a year before I found out the EA. I didn't know DBing. My W's EA was long distance. Looking back at the phone records the first 3 mos were not much...as the months went by the texts grew o lets just say more than my teenage daughter would text.

I still believe to this day if I would've found out earlier the EA wouldn't have been deeper. She also travelled to his state and a possible PA would've occurred. I had no idea. It was a year later I confirmed and confronted her.

When I confronted my W she held me all night! She wouldn't let me go she was in tears and kept promising me we'd work on the M, perhaps it was the guilt. And I made a big mistake and offered to call my EAP at work.

I set up a therapist, and she wanted to see us individually first. My W went first on her appt and mine was a week later.

After her appt, I knew something changed from her wanting to work on the M to wanting a D! I didn't know what happened until I read DR and MWD had warned about those therapist.

My point is, if you will get outside help, make sure you screen the therapist. Solution based would be good and ask them if they are familiar with MWDs work,

She kept saying she has no feelings for me and 3 months later she's back on her EA and I busted her and I found this board and DB books.

Acc mentioned distance and I think in my sitch true distance of separation is needed.

This is a possibility that could happen in ur sitch and I hope you would not make the same mistakes as I did.

Where do I stand right now? I think I'm truly ok w D. Btw, my W tried NC with OM BUT she kept backsliding (see my sig) the addiction/fog is really intense for her to overcome I guess. Every time she does her EA, I created a crisis and she seemed to get back to reality then 3 mos later the cycle repeats.

DD, get your ducks in a row, know your rights, think about custody of the kids in the event of D...it doesn't mean you'd file but it will prevent you from panicking in case your W choses OM. Usually the first 30 mins of consultation is no charge.

I have and I'm prepared for either scenario. It also gave me the confidence every time W mentions D. I had told her she's free to go, opened her cage. i told her i wont stand her way of D. But for some reason she's still at home and we still share the same bed.

Newman

[Accuray]

Thanks for sharing Newman, did you confront OM? I did and found it fairly useful.

Acc

[newman7977]

Thanks for sharing Newman, did you confront OM? I did and found it fairly useful.

Acc

I finally did get a hold of him early this year. He dodged my calls and my texts possibly to my W's request. My w knew the old me and my temper, I worked on that during my IC, well I'm still a work in progress but I believe I'm better.

Confronting him helped me gained my confidence...I confirmed how much of a liar he is and that love he talks about to my W, no he didn't fight for it. I conveyed to him that I won't go away that easy and he should expect that I would fight for my family. All he can do was lie and deny. I also got a hold of his W, of course she had no idea. I told my SIL because she is a therapist. I felt that I needed all the help I could.

Not sure if the exposure to OM W and confronting OM helped my sitch, but honestly, it did help me gain my self esteem and confidence back.

Newman

[doubledown]

Thanks Newman:

I appreciate you sharing your ecxperience with me. All of this helps.

I've never been the guy who could just put an ultimatum out there with regard to ending my marriage. Once I commit and take those vows, I'm there. I don't believe in divorce nor accept it as an option, so this is why I'm so tenative.

I realize, however, that at this point it's not my choice. It's W's. And she's so morally mixed up now, she has no integrity or scruples.


I plan to consult with an attorney regardless, before I confront, but my state is a no-fault state and it doesn't really matter. Everything goes 50/50 and they always side with the mother.

[Accuray]

I've never been the guy who could just put an ultimatum out there with regard to ending my marriage. Once I commit and take those vows, I'm there. I don't believe in divorce nor accept it as an option, so this is why I'm so tenative.

How are you defining marriage? Is it a piece of paper, or is it two people who are committed to each other? If it's the latter, then you are not currently married. Your marriage is over.

You have the opportunity to create a new marriage with the same women, but you have to force through some conflict and difficult times first in order to get there.

I realize, however, that at this point it's not my choice. It's W's. And she's so morally mixed up now, she has no integrity or scruples.

You've got to change this thinking, you always have a choice. You can choose not to be in an open marriage.

I plan to consult with an attorney regardless, before I confront, but my state is a no-fault state and it doesn't really matter. Everything goes 50/50 and they always side with the mother.

It's generally far more nuanced than that. Don't skip the consultation because you think you understand the landscape, get the specifics. I don't think you need to do this before you confront, but definitely before there were changes made in your living arrangements.