Not Again?!

[Accuray]

Agree with Starsky, a confrontation is never a discussion. It will be you talking and her shouting or storming away. For unprepared LBS's, that is followed by the LBS begging and pleading for the WAS to take them back and work on the M, which is 100% doomed to fail.

There's a common theme I've found in much of the reading and research I've done on infidelity. Basically, until the OM/OW is out of the picture, there's really nothing that will impact a WAS in "the fog" of the A.

Correct, there is *nothing* you can do until OP is gone. Then, when OP leaves, your spouse will grieve the loss of that relationship and will likely be even more standoffish and meaner. The end of the affair is not the finish line, in most ways it's a starting line for what is sure to be a brutal journey.

I see you had the benefit of your W already having her relationship severed by OM. That must play a big role in the overall confrontation success. No?

No, W still went to "I want a divorce", "Our marriage was never good", "There is no chance we will ever reconcile" etc. The benefit was that I didn't have to sit on the sideline and watch the A continue to happen. By the time I found out about it, it was over.

Well, the "blocker" must me the OM. She's so ga-ga over him and spending time with him that I'm purely a pebble in her shoe. On the phone, my W and I can chat, laugh and speak freely. As soon as she walks iinto the house, however, she shuts down and tries to keep herself occupied to minimize interaction with me.

The OM is certainly a blocker, but probably not *the* blocker, there are probably others.

I realize she's cake eating and I do need to make my stand. Right now, I want to build myself up even stronger in her eyes as well as develop the confidence I'll need to survive once I confront her.

Very hard to do while living in the shadow of an A. The WAS will tend to give you an unending self-esteem beating. Physical distance can help a lot, but with kids and a house that's often not an easy option. Otherwise, GAL your @ss off.

I think I'll take a look at "Love must be tough" first.

I think it's another good source of insight to combine with the others. The book is outdated and the author spends a lot of time rationalizing how divorce can be okay from a biblical perspective. If you skip the religious stuff there are very good and practical suggestions there for how to handle cake eating.

Did you and your W stay in the same house after your confrontation? How did that go?

I found out about the A while W was on a 6 hour plane flight for a business trip. In my wretched state I left her a VM, told her I knew, and to call me when she landed. When she called several hours later I confronted her and got the bomb. From there we had conflicting travel schedules so were rarely together for the next 8 weeks or so. There were some nights we were together in the house. It was very awkward and uncomfortable but by then I had found DB and knew how to handle it. She offered to sleep in the other room and I told her she could do whatever she wanted. She stayed in the bed but it was a "no touching" period for many months.

That's another thing. I have no intention of leaving my own house. I just bought the thing 3 years ago and my W couldn't buy lunch on her credit!!

You should not move out. My sister is divorced and her exH's lawyer advised him not to move out until the last possible moment. There are legal reasons for staying, so you should consult a lawyer and understand what you're looking at in advance in case things go badly. You should really do that now.

That said, it may get to the point where you can't take it. You may need to move her out and help to support her new rent for the sake of your own sanity. Cross that bridge when you come to it.

I'd be interested to know how this played out for you.

I did not understand that my VERY BEST strategy was applying distance, and when people told me, I didn't believe them. If I had heeded that advice, I have no doubt we would have reconciled sooner, and I would have had more leverage in piecing.

Hindsight being 20/20, when she asked me for divorce I should have said "I believe in our marriage and I'm interested in preserving it, including making any changes I need to make. I won't stand in your way, however, so if you want to leave I will wish you well."

Then I should have gone dark and just started living my own life, treating her like a friendly co-worker but no more. Offering NO intimacy, making her wonder what I was thinking instead of sharing it, etc., but doing it in a loving rather than punishing way while demonstrating the results of my 180's through action.

I firmly believe that's the fastest path back. Anything else you want to know?