Shouldn't there be an attempt to gather information during this "discussion"? Try to find out, specifically, what made her make the decision to enter the A?
No. You will get endorphine-fueled justification and spin at best, and flat-out deceit and re-writing of marital history at worst.
YES, you should still be in "information-gathering" mode, in my opinion. I'd just strongly advise against considering your WIFE to be any sort of credible SOURCE for anything accurate or useful in this regard. Don't worry, she'll tell you (in spades), anyway. Just listen politely and say "I'm sorry you feel that way; end your affair and come back and work on the marriage, unencumbered, and I think you'll find me more than willing to work on all issues, including my own."
And REPEAT THAT, as often as needed, never wavering.
You can't negotiate with -- nor solicit accurate intel from -- someone who doesn't have your marriage's best interests at heart right now.
