Well I should not be surprised.. but I kind of am.. Was suppose to meet with my W for the first time in 5 months to see my dogs.. I let her set up the time and place.. all she had to do was txt me and let me know when the time was good to come over. and I didn't hear a word from her.. not "sorry I am busy" or "another night".. nothing.. I had almost zero expectations.. but I still had a little.. and lets just say that what little I did have was crushed last night. oh well. back to going dim. I will once again wait for her to contact me.... So selfish and self centered.... not even close the the woman I once knew.
M-39 W-41 T-9yrs BD-Dec 2012 “regardless of your choices and the fact that they may have caused me to experience painful emotions, I still love you because I recognize the purpose of our journey.”
sounds petty.. but still need help with this.... Well it's been just over 10 days since I have heard from W about seeing the dogs (no kids together.. dogs 9yrs) do I bother making contact again asking about seeing them?? I don't really want to initiate contact just over the dogs.. but its been going on 6 months since I have seen them.. the dogs are getting old.. and last I heard the oldest one wasn't doing the best... so I would like to see the old girl before anything happens.. I know this sounds so petty when there are people on here with kids and having difficulties with visitation issues..
So do I bother contacting her or just continue to sit quiet?? BTW.. the times I have contacted her, it is almost always positive.. she was only nasty in the very beginning..
M-39 W-41 T-9yrs BD-Dec 2012 “regardless of your choices and the fact that they may have caused me to experience painful emotions, I still love you because I recognize the purpose of our journey.”
I would text her and ask if you can come over and see the dogs. I would ask her when it would be convenient for you to come over and see the dogs and that you would like to bring some dog treats for them. Keep your text upbeat and positive and the focus of the subject is the dogs only.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
How does the LBS keep hanging on with almost little or no hope from the WAS after a year of this? what can I do to get more strength to keep me from giving up??
Quick update...
Well it's been awhile since I have posted.. and I am coming up on what I consider a year of the "beginning of the end" which led to the bomb drop... I still come on this site daily for strength. I don't hear from W very often at all. it was about a month and a half of no contact until I had to write her about some mail at the house.. she texted back about 5 days after I initially sent her a txt.. saying thank you for the mail and then we txted back and forth small stuff for the day and that was it... although very nice to hear from her... it was still cold and distant..
I know she is still with the OM.. according to her family he is there most of the time.. but not every night. None of them like him at all... They all believe she is in a MLC... the W is having major problems with her D (from a previous relationship) because of the OM. So nothing really new.... seems like everything that typically happens during a MLC is happening with W.... parties all the time.. the 25yr old OM.... distancing from her D.. changes in body and attitude.. you name it..
I know for a true full blown MLC a year is really just the beginning... but my patience for this type of abuse is wearing very thin... I have been doing a ton of work on myself as far as my 180's and getting a life. I have had many days where I have sat and cried as I was owning up to my faults in the relationship.. Even thou not one of them would justify her actions.. but I did play a part in it. I am in the best shape of my life.. and actually get asked out or flirted with more than I ever have before. I have not acted on any of this yet because I know how strong my feelings are for my W that I would just end up hurting anyone I got involved with...
I love my W very much.. probably always will.. but I am starting to wonder how much I have left in the tank at this point.
M-39 W-41 T-9yrs BD-Dec 2012 “regardless of your choices and the fact that they may have caused me to experience painful emotions, I still love you because I recognize the purpose of our journey.”
I love my W very much.. probably always will.. but I am starting to wonder how much I have left in the tank at this point.
I haven't been at this as long as you have, but I can totally relate. W and I have kids together, so it's different in our scenario. I'm not sure I could make this much beyond a year, so you're doing great! If you were to move on, what would that look like? Ironically, that's what might bring your W back toward you. If she knows you're hanging on for her that likely makes her keep her distance. It's all such a paradox...
I'm no vet so take whatever I say with a grain of salt!!
ETC
"Whether you worry or not has no affect on the outcome. But, moving forward, letting go, and making changes can." UrWorthy
I know the work for the LBS will never stop.. we can all keep learning and growing in life. and I plan on doing just that. But me sitting at home waiting for someone that may or may not ever come just doesn't make as much sense to me as it did 9 or 10 months ago. If I were getting any signs of hope I would still wait. I have no problem with doing that. But from what I can tell she is still very deep in Replay.... with no end in sight.
If I were to move on at this point, almost a year after BD... I don't know. My life is going really good at moment... except one thing... and that is that I am still in love with my W. I truly still love her. But I don't think that will ever change. I won't love her much less than I do at this point. maybe she can still feel that I am hanging on?
I feel like I am about 85% detached from the situation.. when I hear about her it doesn't bother or shock me near as much as it did.. I now look forward to doing things in my life.. I took a week in August and went with a friend on our Harley's and just drove.. had a blast.. months before that I would have never done it... I would have been to depressed or would have been worried about doing something like that without her.
M-39 W-41 T-9yrs BD-Dec 2012 “regardless of your choices and the fact that they may have caused me to experience painful emotions, I still love you because I recognize the purpose of our journey.”
no.. but everything has been separated.. she has been bought out of the house.. she has her own place just on the other side of town, which isn't the best because it's a small town. I get to see or hear about her and the OM way too much for my liking.
She just started her second year of nursing at the college (how she met the OM and all her new 20yr old friends) she still has 3yrs left of schooling.. which is why I don't think she will have the time or need to face all of her issues until she is done with school.... which means another 3yrs of this minimum. until she gets out of the party environment and hanging around the young crowd.
it's like asking a alcoholic to quick drinking with hanging out at the bar everyday.
Sorry just reaching stage in this where I am reflection on my situation. talking (typing) this out loud helps me make sense of it.
M-39 W-41 T-9yrs BD-Dec 2012 “regardless of your choices and the fact that they may have caused me to experience painful emotions, I still love you because I recognize the purpose of our journey.”
Totally understandable. Thanks for sharing! I wonder if you're at the point of Last Last Resort, i.e., ultimatum. Maybe, you need to shake things up a bit and start the D process? Show her that you're not going to wait around for her and she needs to make a choice - you or OM. She's got you on a rope. Check out pages 230-231 in DR. This might be the point you're at. Again, the paradox is that it may just save your marriage. She needs to know you won't wait around for her. She's being lazy about moving on the D b/c she sees you as a plan B. Again, I'm no vet! Read that part of DR and report back on your plan.
ETC
"Whether you worry or not has no affect on the outcome. But, moving forward, letting go, and making changes can." UrWorthy