Knowing my w, her history, and things she said when she left, there is a virtual certainty that she has been physically involved with other men since we separated. That in and of itself will be tough to get through, but I think I could. When she left she was done and I was out of the picture. She would not have been cheating.
The bigger issue will be if she was involved with someone before we separated. That will create trust issues.
If she is fully involved in an A right now, then that will slow things down. I would like to know, because if she is, then she is cake eating and I will go dark.
Me-45 W-44 T-7 years M-3 years (4th anniversary July 13, but we're separated) Kids from previous relationships (s14 d16 mine, s23, s24 hers)
If we ever come out the other side there will be an entire unknown story that may be revealed and need to be recovered from.
I know there is nothing to be done at this point and I try to not think about these things. It is just difficult.
Let me lay out a scenario for you. Let's assume your W decides the grass may be greener somewhere else. She met someone, maybe before you separated, maybe after. You separate, she pursues it. Of course, you don't have much contact with her during this time because she's completely involved with someone else. As with most affairs (if you even want to consider it an affair), it eventually dies a natural death. She realizes that maybe the grass isn't greener.
Somewhere along the line, she starts thinking that maybe you weren't so bad, maybe there was more good in the M than bad. Maybe your M problems are fixable. She reaches out to you....just to test the waters. Maybe she's thinking you could start fresh....start as friends...maybe build this into something new.
So maybe this plays out for a few months....and then she tells you about OM. How do you react? What if you had been seeing someone? How would you want her to react? Would it really even matter?
If it's a deal breaker for you, or if you have a problem seeing her if she's involved with someone else, maybe you should just ask her the next time you see her, "so are you seeing anyone?" And if you do, be prepared for the answer.
Let me lay out a scenario for you. Let's assume your W decides the grass may be greener somewhere else. She met someone, maybe before you separated, maybe after. You separate, she pursues it. Of course, you don't have much contact with her during this time because she's completely involved with someone else. As with most affairs (if you even want to consider it an affair), it eventually dies a natural death. She realizes that maybe the grass isn't greener.
Somewhere along the line, she starts thinking that maybe you weren't so bad, maybe there was more good in the M than bad. Maybe your M problems are fixable. She reaches out to you....just to test the waters. Maybe she's thinking you could start fresh....start as friends...maybe build this into something new.
So maybe this plays out for a few months....and then she tells you about OM. How do you react? What if you had been seeing someone? How would you want her to react? Would it really even matter?
For me this is pretty much best case scenario. It will be difficult, but I believe we could get through this. I would want to work with her to make sure it doesn't happen again. Maybe an MC could help once we both want to be in the M. The timing of when she started seeing the OM could make things more difficult, but I still think we could make it.
Originally Posted By: Breakdown
If it's a deal breaker for you, or if you have a problem seeing her if she's involved with someone else, maybe you should just ask her the next time you see her, "so are you seeing anyone?" And if you do, be prepared for the answer.
I think asking her would do more harm than good right now. I think that the conversation would push her away.
Knowing would dictate my actions a little. If I knew that she was NOT seeing someone, I might be a little more proactive in giving her the support she seems to be seeking right now. If I knew she was seeing someone I would be more distant. Right now I am in the middle somewhere.
If she is seeing someone, she is not getting everything she needs or she would not be reaching out to me. Knowing my w, she could be involved in a friends with benefits type situation. She seems to be turning to me for emotional support so she is not getting that from an OM.
Me-45 W-44 T-7 years M-3 years (4th anniversary July 13, but we're separated) Kids from previous relationships (s14 d16 mine, s23, s24 hers)
Was driving home when I got a text from w basically asking if she could come sleep with me... I should not be looking at texts while driving .. I almost drove off the road... The way it was worded I question if somebody didn't grab her phone and text me... Anyway I responded (after getting home) and kinda played along like she could... I have not heard back.
Me-45 W-44 T-7 years M-3 years (4th anniversary July 13, but we're separated) Kids from previous relationships (s14 d16 mine, s23, s24 hers)
The conversation continued after a short time and it was definitely her and she was serious .. Or at least seemed to be. We are now scheduled to have drinks tomorrow night. .. I am trying to keep my expectations in check. Likely nothing beyond drinks will happen tomorrow as the logistics don't work real well. I am not completely sure where this is all going. She could cancel. She could want to have a casual physical relationship.... I won't bring up the R. What if she does?
Me-45 W-44 T-7 years M-3 years (4th anniversary July 13, but we're separated) Kids from previous relationships (s14 d16 mine, s23, s24 hers)
I feel like I am in a really good place right now, but again I could get let down by expectations. Previously my biggest concern was that she was only reaching out to me for friendship or emotional support. Now (sort of out of the blue) she goes straight to the physical.
I think relationship talk needs to be kept to a minimum right now. If she brings it up there are really only two possibilities.
1. She says she just wants a friends with benefits relationship. This would hurt a little, but I could agree to it for the time being. I would not say I want more than that. I would just say something like "perfect". And change the subject.
2. She could bring up reconciliation (which is much less likely I think). If she does, I will just say that I hope we can work things out too, but we should take things slow.
Me-45 W-44 T-7 years M-3 years (4th anniversary July 13, but we're separated) Kids from previous relationships (s14 d16 mine, s23, s24 hers)
So we are rescheduling again. W was going to meet me after a hair appointment but she had to cancel the hair appt. due to work. She text me and called me asking if we could meet earlier. I think she was ready to meet right then. I had to take care of some things with my kids and told her I would call in an hour. She text shortly after and said she just wanted to reschedule.
Her job is killing her. I text her and said no worries. I know you job s*cks.
She text me back telling me her dr put her on medication to deal with depression and anxiety.
I text her back saying I was happy to listen if she needed to talk. She did not respond.
I think she would love to just be with me right now but logistics don't work.
Me-45 W-44 T-7 years M-3 years (4th anniversary July 13, but we're separated) Kids from previous relationships (s14 d16 mine, s23, s24 hers)
