chicken or egg?

[etc]

Tempted to ask STBX to go see a movie together w/no expectations. If she doesn't want to go, I'll ask someone else. Option B is just to go ask that someone else. I'm fine w/either. Thoughts?

ETC

[chasingpavements]

Hi etc, I would not recommend asking your stbx to go to see a movie anytime soon, as she needs space and time right now. It will just feel like pressure for her! I would back off a bit to give her some breathing room. I say go with a friend.



-cp

[MileHigh]

etc, I'd have to agree with CP. My W was very sensitive for a long time about anything I suggested. She's probably very leery that it's a ploy.

[etc]

Thanks for the support! That's what I was thinking too, but just wanted to have someone check my head. You all are great.

ETC

[uRworthy]

Hiya E, just a couple of things, if I may.

Yep on the no game playing. Not a fan either. Doesnt serve you or the sitch to do that, in my opinion. Fake it till you make it, on the other hand, can be useful - for you.

So, I am going to get to your question in a minute,ok?

You said you know your wife, and when she wants something, she will do it to get it done.

While she is in a MLC, trust me, you do not know her. So, no mindreading, right? That doesnt serve you well either.

You said you slipped and started the reasoning thing. Please dont do that. She cant hear you right now.

Which leads me to this. When you do those kinds of things, they feel unheard.

She is telling you she wants out of the marriage. But you are trying to convince her that is not a good idea. She gets frustrated. Feels disrespected.

You dont have to like what she is saying or doing, but, you do have to hear what she is saying.

And she is saying, clearly, that she is not interested in the marriage right now. Doesnt mean it will always be that way.

Picture someone holding onto your pants leg. You keep telling them to get off. You pull and you pull and they wont budge. So, what do you do - you try harder to get away, to get them off.

So, honor your relationship and her, and accept what she is saying.

When you GAL, when you move forward, when you leave her to her journey, you are saying, I hear you.

On the flip side, she knows you dont want this. You have told her many times. She heard you, right? No need to say those things again.

Now that doesnt mean that you cant make every interaction that you have with her a positive one. Doesnt mean you have no hope, doesnt mean you wont reconnect in the future. It just means you've heard her.

Which brings me to asking her to the movies? What purpose would that serve right now?

She is having an affair, she is filing for divorce. Right now, she is being friendly. But that doesnt mean she wants to be friends.

That might be something you can try in the future. Right now, she is forging her way through this crisis. And it aint pretty up there in her head.

Asking her to the movies at this time is just going to frustrate her.

Now, going dim is for you. It gives you an opportunity to get your feelings together, get a handle on your emotions and gives her some space.

And I dont think that is a bad thing right now.

There is plenty of time for you to reach out when you are both on sturdier footing.

Trying to be friendly (as in a good neighbor) can serve you well in the future. It will keep the road paved home smooth and paved.

Just remember that you need to protect yourself and your children in a divorce. Just because she is saying now that she wont hurt you financially, doesnt mean it would turn into that. Not saying it will, just that you need to look after yourself.

I can feel how you are still very attached, so, odds are, she can too.

Let her set the pace here, E. You continue on your journey. Leave her to hers. Your job is to get out of the way.

BTW, your db plan - golden.

You can do this, E.

[Whiterose]

Hi etc

just getting caught up, my H and I had a 40 min conversation Wednesday where I made it VERY clear that I will not fight the divorce. It doesn't matter to me if he loves or likes me. I told him how happy I was he had a place rented. I even offered him a piece of furniture. Oddly enough, he called me 4 times on Thursday. Once at 2:10 in the afternoon asking if S14 was home (ummm, no he's at school!) when he normally would only text me and even at that the barest of minimums. We had a civil chat about a few things too.

I'm going out dancing with the girls Saturday night, I love to dance!, and H is at a funeral for a man he used to work with.

I think that, like your wife, our change of mind has confused them and now they are wondering about things. Your db plan sounds great-keep it up! I'm following suit:)

[etc]

uRworthy & Whiterose, MH, FY, CP, wow. Thank you so much! Your feedback and guidance is such a Godsend. I can't thank you enough. The past few days have included a lot of GALing, spending time with kids and a little self-reflection.

I did have a low period after I slipped over the weekend and asked family for a bit of advice about financial stuff. They're pretty understanding right now of where the sitch stands, but they just want to see me get on with my life and can't fully understand the implications of all of this to my kids/family which I want so badly to build to a new healthier place.

I had some time to spend with my spiritual adviser. He's amazingly supportive of where-ever this all leads. He also helped encourage me that it's all going to work out for me one way or the other in the end.

I've only had positive interactions with W since my last update. We're getting along pretty well and she's been offering to help with a lot of stuff. I'm still uncertain about how to exactly approach financial matters b/c I'm really enjoying the peace right now. W has not discussed D since last week, but she continues to be very friendly with me. Sure, we don't talk a lot, but when we do it's generally friendly and positive.

Well, that's where I am for now. Let the show go on!

ETC

[etc]

well, meeting is scheduled w/mediator... i'm not fighting it!

ETC

[etc]

One of my kids got in an argument with W about not wanting to stay at her place b/c she doesn't like it there. W got stern and said she *has* to stay at her place, which made D more upset. D said her place makes her cry. W said D makes her cry. In the end, they hung up with each other and D was very upset feeling responsible for her mom's sadness. I'm trying to encourage D to stay at W's place on her days, but D said she doesn't want to and we can't make her. I told W I was trying to encourage D, which W appreciated. But I also reprimanded W for blaming D for W's emotions. W was pretty upset and went on to say that she feels like she's up against an army lead by me. She accuses me of sending signals to kids by saying nice things about W to them. Should I be saying mean things about her? If I say nothing, W says my body language says things. Holy sh*! I just can't win. oh well..

ETC

[ForeverYoung]

Holy sh*! I just can't win. oh well..

ETC

Nope. Right now you can't.

So just do and say what's best for you and your kids, and be consistent about it. Don't overthink every action or word. Don't become defensive when she blames you. Don't walk around on eggshells. Be strong and assertive and W will actually respect you for it, even though she'll never admit it.

Remember, her MLC is not really about you, so try not to take it personally. Things will get easier. Hang in there!