So, it looks like I have to start a new thread, so instead of saying I am all out of options, how about I am looking for new options whatever they may be. This is hopefully a more positive spin on my path forward.
Yesterday was not a bad day. I was actually surprised that I could think about my sitch without crying. I did come home and cook dinner for myself although my H took what was left.
He wanted to have a conversation about what a good day he had. Told me he went out for a drink (like I posted yesterday, he has not been hanging out anywhere except our couch) after work because he received "positive feedback" from his boss and that never happens.
He needs people to tell him he is great, if not, he retreats and blames everyone for his unhappiness --- LIKE ME!!! He wanted to watch a movie with me, but I didn't want him to think I was okay with our situation, so I came to bed. This was him reaching out to you, and you shaking your head no. You believe that by sharing some time with him, by being loving and kind and warm, he'll abuse you? NO...he'll feel closer to you.
That was a blown opportunity and it reveals a way of viewing this situation that makes him "wrong" and YOU 'right".
You want him to surrender, but he FEELS LONELY and you are not helping. So why would he blame himself for that?
He'll blame YOU for that b/c when he reached out, you shut your door. IF there is a next time he reaches out, say YES.
Give him good memories, and give him someone to miss...i.e., a loving friend and mate, = you.
I thin he is lonely, he wants someone to spend time with and talk to about the good and bad things in his life, but he brought on this separation. Too bad, he can't face that he is depressed...my WAS.
He reached out to temporarily end the sep with YOU. You said no.
His fear is that things will go badly again in the marriage.
That a reconciliation with you will mean Him eating crow forever, or having this thrown in his face every time you are upset OR that you will hold this over his head forever...
And so, when he reaches out and you shut him out, you reinforce those fears and make him believe that a reconciliation will be like climbing Mt Everest for him...
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
I dont believe you messed up. i dont see it that way.
you need to decide if you want to save the M or not. and this should be done with a clear mind and with less emotions.
your feelings and emotions are normal. its ok to be distraught and angry and sad. betrayal is hard to deal with. it damages your ego and beliefs. it really gets to your core. I respectfully disagree in part. She cannot be told not to act on emotions and yet then be told it's all normal and - implicitly, acceptable. She behaved in a way that just make it easier for her h to justify leaving.
And recordings of the calls are not nearly as legally helpful as you seem to believe. They do not constitute "proof" of adultery in Virginia either, believe it or not. Your h can assert his 5th Amendment rights too, and not admit it in court.
I am a L but am not giving L advice except to say ASK your L. I think you ought to have asked before recording the calls. And ask yourself what you really want to learn with a PI. Legally & financially, I don't believe it'll make any difference in the outcome, but it will cost money.
If adultery does not affect the property division, then drop it. Seriously.
(I don't think it will affect it = unless you threaten to hurt his military career. But then you break the dinner plate b/c when you hurt his military career, you hurt the paycheck you could have gotten a part of and cut your nose off to spite your face) then drop it.
There are other reasons you are having problems, clearly. I say that b/c of how you are handling things now. I am not sure you ever forgave his first affair or if so, maybe other behaviors returned. I don't mean to blame you but I do think saying "he's a cheat/liar", is over simplifying and worse, it's getting you nowhere.
FWIW When I was in the military, you had to be married 10 or more years to get any part of the pension. You may not be entitled to any of it, or just a transitional amount. My sister was married for 13 years to a pilot and she gets part of his pension. But I recall back then, 10 years was key.
Any JAG Corps officer can help you with that and you are presently entitled to free legal assistance on base. Call them.
They cannot file for you, but they can answer that question. I hear so much bitter anger from you that you want to hurt him but Wanting to hurt him is not worthy of you. And truly it won't make you happier.
I thought his letter sounded resolute. It sounded informed, as if he'd spoken to a lawyer. I don't think it was all a bluff.
Your best chance at saving your marriage is by saving yourself and that means maintaining dignity and honor in YOUR behavior. Stop all the judging of him.
Start GAL and tell us about that, please. It'll get your mind off this, and intrtoduce you to new people who don't know your situation.
It'll help you stop the obsessing b/c truly, how he treats you does NOT mean anything about you.
How you act and speak, does.
BUT, do not let your emotions control your actions. or do not let them make your situation worse.
personally, i wish you could tell the OWs husband. i dont know if others would agree with me, but if i were him i'd want to know.
I strongly disagree and so does MWD in the Divorce Busting book. IT's a punitive act that is justified with the "I'd want to know" but you are NOT the OW's h. You don't know what he's going thru already. As my DB coach once said, "it's not the spouse's job to teach a lesson or show them the consequences of their actions"...LIFE does that for them.
It's wrong for a number of reasons and it's NOT as if no one will figure things out. But it makes the LBS spouse look bitter and vindictive.
A woman who lost her h at our class reunion, to a former classmate, posted about it on our classes' webpage.
I cannot tell you how many people wrote to me (I was the administrator of the page) to ask me to delete the wife's message.
They felt some pity for her but no one, NOT ONE person condemned the h or the OW. They felt the wife had been inappropriate for publicizing her marital woes and that she had sounded "crazy angry".
My point is that I doubt the wife had any idea how SHE would be perceived by posting that note. If it was to make her h feel guilty, it failed. It confirmed his choice to leave his w, more than anything else.
I'm sorry to say that but it was an interesting social event to witness.
i believe people should deal with the fallout of their actions. if your h doesnt want others to know, then he shouldnt have done it. Of course this would make the situation much more chaotic, so you would need to think about it long and hard, and also check with your lawyer to make sure its not illegal.
SO, You want her h and the OW to be punished. NOT REALLY A PART OF DBing.
and hey, So what if it kills the OM's wife? Or what if she is struggling on her own to get thru the day, but now, she feels like life is over? What if it ruins her r's with her kids for life?
So what if the OW has no intention of leaving her h for yours? This way, you would make it more likely that they'll break up b/c you'll be pushing them into each others arms. Cornering them, so it's them against the world.
When a course of action is not coming from a place of love or light or health within, don't follow it. That's my advice.
Get a L, protect yourself and learn how to move on GAL!!!!
in a healthy upbeat way. You want your h to have second thoughts about leaving you, THAT is how you make it happen.
but for now, get your thoughts straight, talk to your lawyer. decide on the path you want to take.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
He reached out and he spewed even when I didn't provoke. I cannot do this. It is too much. He is spending time speaking with OW. He says we are just over and why can't it be just that.
Says he settled for me and he compromised his happiness. Says he know me and that I will always be who I am. I am hating myself and asking myself what I did to deserve everything he says and does. I am on an emotional rollercoaster right now. I Feel like a complete failure. He does not love me and is telling me that I am not worth him putting his life on for me because I love him. I cannot think, eat, or sleep. I am restless....I want to give up.
OLD THREAD: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2380569#Post2380569
Me: 44 Him: 51 Married: 9 years Together: 14 years
Okay, I'm using words from others here...but DEEP BREATH.
Do not believe anything he says right now. He is hurting and scared, too.
He is going to blame everything on you right now because you are the one closest to him.
He doesn't "know" you...you probably don't even know yourself right now. So, you need to detach and work on YOU!
He is trying to make himself feel better about the OW.
You didn't do anything to deserve this. It just is what it is. And right now, it sux.
So, try to find ways to work on you...stop thinking about him or the horrible things he says.
I KNOW it's hard. My H is nice one minute and spewing hate the next. Believe or not, but you CAN get off the roller coaster...or the Crazy Train, as I like to call it.
It really does give you peace when you realize that you ARE worth being treated better AND you do have a choice about how you react to him.
Do whatever you can to get your mind off him and the mean, hateful things he said.
sorry for thread-jacking, but to respond to 25s responses, i began each of those thoughts with "I believe" and "Personally" to differentiate between what i have learned through my own experiences and what DB teaches.
so i respectfully disagree with your respectful disagreements.
when it comes to the legal aspect, then i absolutely defer to your professional opinions.
"In a ham and eggs breakfast, the hen is involved, but the pig is committed".
he will blame, he will complain, he will make things up, he will rewrite the past. this is what they do.
i called it Making a Monster, my x was telling everyone what a bad husband, father, person i was, i was abusive, she'd twist stories to make me out to be a monster. not because i necessarily was, but to simply justify her actions - to herself and others.
cheating on a normal but flawed person is bad, everyone agrees to that, but cheating on a monster is good - a person deserves to be happy and to "escape a monster" is noble and the right thing to do - friends and family support it, there's no guilt in that.
but its not real.
so you need to protect yourself from his spewing. ignore it if you can, walk away from it, etc. and then go do something positive for yourself.
"In a ham and eggs breakfast, the hen is involved, but the pig is committed".
Angela's first line of advice is right - DEEP BREATH.
You need to turn your focus back onto you. You are worthy, you have something to offer. Your H is in his own reality right now, and is following the typical script. He will blame everything on you, he will rewrite your history to suit his reality. Don't initiate any contact unless it relates to kids (sorry, can't remember if you've got kids) or joint finances. Let him initiate, and don't respond right away when he does. You must always remember that you cannot control what he does, what he thinks or how he acts. I'd also suggest reading, or re-reading, DR and Sandi's rules.
I've seen it said on other posts - don't fight the D, but don't do anything to help him obtain it. Provide any information he asks for but let him do all the work. At the same time, you do have to protect yourself. Do you have a lawyer? You need to know what your rights and options are. If your banking is only in joint names, you need to open a separate account for yourself and I'd also speak to the bank about the joint account to ensure you are protected there. I don't know how it works in the various states, but here in Ontario my bank gave me the option of actually freezing the joint accounts so that we could only access funds, other than the pre-authorized payments already existing, by physically going into the bank together and both signing a withdrawal form.
You're bound to be a mess - we've all been there. We've probably all had those moments when we just want to give up and throw in the towel. Your entire world has just been turned upside down. Nothing is going to change overnight, so don't expect it to. You've got to concentrate on improving yourself, maintaining your health (physical and emotional) and working on your PMA. Yes, it's going to be hard, probably the hardest thing you've ever done in your life, but if you truly believe your M is worth saving then you'll be willing to do the work.
Remember you are not alone. Stay strong, focus on yourself and you'll get through this. It's not going to be quick or easy, but you will get through this and if you continue DBing, you'll come out the other side as a better person.
Both 50 S14 M 16 yrs (his 3rd; my 1st)
ILYBINILWY - 24 Dec 2012 H moved out - 27 Jun 2013 Legally separated - 6 Sep 2013 Closing the door and changing the locks
If he is active duty he will have to pay something while the divorce is pending. At a minimum it's his BAQ (housing and food) and you'll still be covered under his insurance until the D is final.
Using adultery as a grounds for divorce btw, speeds it up. Using a no fault separation of a year, slows it down,
What does your L say? You need to get one asap.
Meanwhile, below is what my DB coach advised and she was a Godsend.
Do NOT show your anger to your h. It only fuels his desire to leave.
Applaud the 1% positives he does, loudly. This can be darn hard but it helps.
Your goal is for him to be able to be around you. So NO R talk from you.
If he brings it up, you LISTEN (consider it gathering 'intel' and tell him you need time to process all this. But remain calm. NO ATTACKS).
Listen like a lover. If he brings up work problems, support him and validate.
If he brings up an issue about the marriage here are your two responses b/c you do NOT Defend.
If he says something that is at least partly true that you did not handle well or hurt him, say "I'm sorry about that. IF I had it all to do over again, there are lots of things I'd do differently."
If he says something you have NO recall of or very different recall of, say: "Wow that's not how i remember it, but I'm sorry if you were hurt. IF I had it to do over again, there are plenty of things I'd do differently."
Both answers show your ability to change and acknowledgement of HIS point of view. Neither answer makes you a doormat. Practice them. They help diffuse a lot.
Show him thru your actions that you are changing. Not by telling him, but by being different. The 180s are crucial here and I have not heard a word from you about them. What are your 180s? Get those out asap.
GAL. Yes we hammer it b/c we know it works. Overcoming inertia is the hardest part.
I joined a writer's group, auditioned for community theater, did stand up comedy, took a French class and an Italian cooking class, got a therapist, worked out and looked GOOD, took ADs for awhile, learned how to cross country ski, volunteered at a women's shelter, went on field trips with the kids class, joined the Officer's Wives club for the first time in 18 years and found two life long friends. I joined woman's team and coached a girl's softball team. I took a pottery class-very different for me, and I took flying lessons for my pilot's license. I also went skydiving. In short, I GAL.
There's more, literally but you get the point. NONE of these things cost much except the flying lessons.
A woman named purgatory was here a year or two back. Her h was active duty and was having an A with her bff. So she was doubly betrayed and had to do a lot of personal work, which her h DID notice b/c she stopped showing him resentment all the time...
She GAL and became a lot happier with who she was. I can tell you don't like feeling furious and bitter all the time and that's not who you want to be.
And it's not appealing to him either. So the anger is getting you nowhere. Work on you. Become a woman only a fool would leave.
small consistent changes are what last more than single grand gestures.
change + sufficient time = change he can believe in. As you work on you, turn your anger and this marriage over to God.
I had to turn my pain and anger over to Him, and I would say it out loud in the shower so the kids did not hear me. I did this sometimes 50 times in a shower, especially right before I thought h would call.
Thinking it, saying it and hearing myself say it, helps it sink in. It's a relief.
And when you know you have done your best, become your best self (which takes time and practice)
then leave it in God's hands and hold your head high.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
