I totally agree with newman7977! Great, great advice in this thread!
And, with Accuray's patient help this past week or so, I can see what Starsky means when he says:
Yep. It is a paradox of DBing -- and of Life, for that matter -- that until you're willing to lose something (and realize you'll be okay), you'll never really save it.
Until you overcome that fear, DD, you will get nowhere. It's OK if you decided you're not there yet, but make no mistake about the reality of it.
Just follow their advice and you'll have a great start to where you want to be. This has to be one of the hardest things that any of us will ever endure...but you do have to reach that point (and it seems there is peace in reaching it...I'm only starting to feel some of it) where you realize that whether the marriage is saved or not, you are going to come out of this a better person.
It's so hard but you have to focus NOT on her, but on you. I am working on this with my husband....of letting him be...and working on making a much better me.
They'll notice our changes more than our words. Hang in there. Sounds like you're really trying to work on things...and I commend you for that!
DD, I'm not sure that I have anything to add to what Accuray and Starsky's have said, except that I agree. Personally, I took what I thought at the time was the easier route- guilting, expressing pain, asking why she didn't work on us etc.. Turns out, that was the harder road- it just kept her fogged and resenting me. It wasn't until she had to face the very real choice of never speaking to me again and giving it a go with the OM or having to dump him to try to get her life back did she decide to stay.
Wish I could say it won't be hard. It will be. But living like you are isn't really living, is it? Like others have said, it has to get worse before it gets better. Come to peace with that and take the steps that you know must be taken. -hs
There's a common theme I've found in much of the reading and research I've done on infidelity. Basically, until the OM/OW is out of the picture, there's really nothing that will impact a WAS in "the fog" of the A.
I see you had the benefit of your W already having her relationship severed by OM. That must play a big role in the overall confrontation success. No?
My DB coach suggested that I tell my W that I made this committment to make improvements to myself for the benefit of myself, kids and marriage. It's based on the fact that my W doesn't know that I'm aware of her A. That's the only reason I told her.
Well, the "blocker" must me the OM. She's so ga-ga over him and spending time with him that I'm purely a pebble in her shoe. On the phone, my W and I can chat, laugh and speak freely. As soon as she walks iinto the house, however, she shuts down and tries to keep herself occupied to minimize interaction with me.
I realize she's cake eating and I do need to make my stand. Right now, I want to build myself up even stronger in her eyes as well as develop the confidence I'll need to survive once I confront her.
I think I'll take a look at "Love must be tough" first.
Did you and your W stay in the same house after your confrontation? How did that go?
That's another thing. I have no intention of leaving my own house. I just bought the thing 3 years ago and my W couldn't buy lunch on her credit!!
I'd be interested to know how this played out for you.
Vince B M=10 yrs T=13 yrs M45 / H 44 2 Boys 5 & 8 D Day: 7/16/13
Another thing I wonder about is what happens the next day after a confrontation? What was your experience? Did one of you leave for the night? Do you wake up and give each other the silent treatment?
This is something I am not looking forward to as well.
Is this where you begin to go dark and just let her be, giving her all the space she needs? Seems like a very awkward and difficult period. Yes?
Vince B M=10 yrs T=13 yrs M45 / H 44 2 Boys 5 & 8 D Day: 7/16/13
Shouldn't there be an attempt to gather information during this "discussion"? Try to find out, specifically, what made her make the decision to enter the A?
How long after your W flipped out on you were you able to talk again?
Vince B M=10 yrs T=13 yrs M45 / H 44 2 Boys 5 & 8 D Day: 7/16/13
Another thing I wonder about is what happens the next day after a confrontation? What was your experience? Did one of you leave for the night? Do you wake up and give each other the silent treatment?
This is something I am not looking forward to as well.
Is this where you begin to go dark and just let her be, giving her all the space she needs? Seems like a very awkward and difficult period. Yes?
Yep -- it sukks, pure and simple. Other than after you expose and affair (which is NOT recommended by MWD), I can't think of anything more unpleasant.
Shouldn't there be an attempt to gather information during this "discussion"? Try to find out, specifically, what made her make the decision to enter the A?
No. You will get endorphine-fueled justification and spin at best, and flat-out deceit and re-writing of marital history at worst.
YES, you should still be in "information-gathering" mode, in my opinion. I'd just strongly advise against considering your WIFE to be any sort of credible SOURCE for anything accurate or useful in this regard. Don't worry, she'll tell you (in spades), anyway. Just listen politely and say "I'm sorry you feel that way; end your affair and come back and work on the marriage, unencumbered, and I think you'll find me more than willing to work on all issues, including my own."
And REPEAT THAT, as often as needed, never wavering.
You can't negotiate with -- nor solicit accurate intel from -- someone who doesn't have your marriage's best interests at heart right now.
