Looking for New Options If H Wants Divorce

[25yearsmlc]

I dont believe you messed up. i dont see it that way.

you need to decide if you want to save the M or not. and this should be done with a clear mind and with less emotions.

your feelings and emotions are normal. its ok to be distraught and angry and sad. betrayal is hard to deal with. it damages your ego and beliefs. it really gets to your core.

I respectfully disagree in part. She cannot be told not to act on emotions and yet then be told it's all normal and - implicitly, acceptable. She behaved in a way that just make it easier for her h to justify leaving.

And recordings of the calls are not nearly as legally helpful as you seem to believe. They do not constitute "proof" of adultery in Virginia either, believe it or not. Your h can assert his 5th Amendment rights too, and not admit it in court.

I am a L but am not giving L advice except to say ASK your L. I think you ought to have asked before recording the calls. And ask yourself what you really want to learn with a PI. Legally & financially, I don't believe it'll make any difference in the outcome, but it will cost money.

If adultery does not affect the property division, then drop it. Seriously.

(I don't think it will affect it = unless you threaten to hurt his military career. But then you break the dinner plate b/c when you hurt his military career, you hurt the paycheck you could have gotten a part of and cut your nose off to spite your face) then drop it.

There are other reasons you are having problems, clearly. I say that b/c of how you are handling things now. I am not sure you ever forgave his first affair or if so, maybe other behaviors returned. I don't mean to blame you but I do think saying "he's a cheat/liar", is over simplifying and worse, it's getting you nowhere.

FWIW
When I was in the military, you had to be married 10 or more years to get any part of the pension. You may not be entitled to any of it, or just a transitional amount. My sister was married for 13 years to a pilot and she gets part of his pension. But I recall back then, 10 years was key.

Any JAG Corps officer can help you with that and you are presently entitled to free legal assistance on base. Call them.

They cannot file for you, but they can answer that question. I hear so much bitter anger from you that you want to hurt him but Wanting to hurt him is not worthy of you. And truly it won't make you happier.

I thought his letter sounded resolute. It sounded informed, as if he'd spoken to a lawyer. I don't think it was all a bluff.

Your best chance at saving your marriage is by saving yourself and that means maintaining dignity and honor in YOUR behavior. Stop all the judging of him.

Start GAL and tell us about that, please. It'll get your mind off this, and intrtoduce you to new people who don't know your situation.

It'll help you stop the obsessing b/c truly,

how he treats you does NOT mean anything about you.

How you act and speak, does.



BUT, do not let your emotions control your actions. or do not let them make your situation worse.

personally, i wish you could tell the OWs husband. i dont know if others would agree with me, but if i were him i'd want to know.


I strongly disagree and so does MWD in the Divorce Busting book. IT's a punitive act that is justified with the "I'd want to know" but you are NOT the OW's h. You don't know what he's going thru already.

As my DB coach once said, "it's not the spouse's job to teach a lesson or show them the consequences of their actions"...LIFE does that for them.

It's wrong for a number of reasons and it's NOT as if no one will figure things out. But it makes the LBS spouse look bitter and vindictive.

A woman who lost her h at our class reunion, to a former classmate, posted about it on our classes' webpage.

I cannot tell you how many people wrote to me (I was the administrator of the page) to ask me to delete the wife's message.

They felt some pity for her but no one, NOT ONE person condemned the h or the OW. They felt the wife had been inappropriate for publicizing her marital woes and that she had sounded "crazy angry".

My point is that I doubt the wife had any idea how SHE would be perceived by posting that note. If it was to make her h feel guilty, it failed. It confirmed his choice to leave his w, more than anything else.

I'm sorry to say that but it was an interesting social event to witness.



i believe people should deal with the fallout of their actions. if your h doesnt want others to know, then he shouldnt have done it. Of course this would make the situation much more chaotic, so you would need to think about it long and hard, and also check with your lawyer to make sure its not illegal.


SO, You want her h and the OW to be punished. NOT REALLY A PART OF DBing.

and hey, So what if it kills the OM's wife? Or what if she is struggling on her own to get thru the day, but now, she feels like life is over? What if it ruins her r's with her kids for life?

So what if the OW has no intention of leaving her h for yours? This way, you would make it more likely that they'll break up b/c you'll be pushing them into each others arms. Cornering them, so it's them against the world.

When a course of action is not coming from a place of love or light or health within, don't follow it. That's my advice.

Get a L, protect yourself and learn how to move on GAL!!!!

in a healthy upbeat way. You want your h to have second thoughts about leaving you, THAT is how you make it happen.

but for now, get your thoughts straight, talk to your lawyer. decide on the path you want to take.