Not Again?!

[Accuray]

My sitch was different because OM had already gone NC, so W didn't have the option of continuing the A. I confronted her as you were planning to do and the result was her getting furious, demanding D and heading the other way, so what I did is not a good example!

Just Sunday night, I revealed to her that I had made this commitment to myself months ago to be a better man, father and husband, including seeing a therapist and taking medication.

Don't tell her, just demonstrate through your actions. Narrating your life doesn't help them notice. Generally it will backfire as they'll suspect you're doing it to "get them back" and therefore your changes won't be permanent. Much better to just do it and say nothing about it.

I'm definitely comitted to continuing with my hard work and improving. The tough part is not really knowing what to focus on with her as far as improving our relationship because she is so checked out and focused on OM.

A common model for marriage is the notion of the "love tank" or "love bank". The theory is that if you are meeting their needs, you are making deposits. If you piss them off, you're making withdrawals. If your balance goes negative for too long, they eventually walk.

If you're trying to fill their tank and it's not working, there are two explanations, (1) either you're doing the wrong things (read "The Five Love Languages", or (2) there is a blocker in place preventing you from making any deposits.

These "blockers" can be something that you're doing that's annoying them or grating on them, that prevents them from seeing or appreciating anything else, OR there can be an OP involved who is consuming all their emotional cycles.

In the instance of an OP, there is really nothing you can do to meet their needs, because they are not available to have their needs met by you.

I mean, where's the opportunity to make progress when she doesn't leave the door open for me to make a difference?

Can't, that's why you have to go the other way.

I do many tasks for her, clean house, laundry, dishes, all the things that make her life easier. What are some things that I can do to demonstrate 180's in the realm of not meeting her needs over the years? Especially when she won't tell me what she wasn't getting from me.

I think instead of looking to do more, you should be doing less and heading the other way. If what you say is true and you've been demonstrating "better man" for months, then it's probably time to force a crisis.

Your wife is "cake eating", which is to say that she gets the house, the kids, a husband at home who will support her, do her laundry, dishes, clean her house, and with all that she can continue to see OM. Time to end that enabling.

Anyway, back to your suggestion. It seems like I would be putting myself at risk for a quick flight by W if I make a quick statement that I'm aware of her A's and then drop the rope and walk out!

Yep, that's exactly what you want. Let her fly. You've demonstrated the man you can be. You've shown her what she will be missing. Time to put the choice to her. You or OM, but not both. She may choose OM in the near term, you cannot prevent that. It's either OM with you, or OM without you. In the end, I would suggest that "OM without you" is less painful.

Pick up a copy of "Love Must Be Tough" and see what you think. There is some practical advice in there that may help.

The position you're in is terrible, but only you can make it better, and in this case, you have to make it worse before it can be better. It won't get better without getting worse, so prepare for that and embrace it.