on the edge...

[dingo]

I have not read the Five Love Languages, but I will. I don't know if she will read it with me but I am not inclined to ask or push just yet. She did give me a list of things I did that made her unhappy in the marriage so that's a pretty similar gesture to telling me what needs she was missing.

She is looking for a new job and has a couple of interviews lined up. The big problem is that she has a pretty nice job where she is. She makes a nice salary and enjoys the projects she works on. She can likely find something similar but it won't be overnight and it will take some strength on her part to go to a job that may offer her different projects than she's used to. Regardless, I don't think that me demanding she find another job is the way to go. She has to want it on her own and do it on her own. I realize its going to be difficult for her to get out of the affair while shes still working there but how do I ask her these things without pressuring?

She has mentioned a couple of times that the OM is also looking for a new job. She's said that if she ends the relationship with him, he's said he can't work there. I dont know how serious any of that is, particularly because she hasnt been able to make the breakup stick so he has absolutely zero incentive to leave. Unless hes getting sick of the roller coaster too (she's bounced back and forth 2 or 3 times now).

In addition to working on the things she has asked me to, I have continued to exercise and go to the gym (I have always done that), I have continued to do the hobbies that interest me, I have started going to church again and I have started to hang out with some of my friends that I have been a little out of touch with. The problem with this is as you said, it does give her plenty of alone time gives opportunity for the affair.

With respect to transparency, I don't know how to ask for this right now or even if I should. While I understand the concept and why its necessary, the truth is that she could give me every email password every phone bill, every computer password and it still wouldn't be enough. She could very easily text through an app that the phone bill doesn't track, twitter, facebook or even open a new gmail account that I don't even know exists. I have limited access to her phone now but she can easily delete the messages once shes read them and I would never know. I wouldn't even know how to enforce transparency and be secure in it these days. Rather, I am hoping that by not giving the affair one ounce of attention and being the best I can be to her, the allure of the affair will wear out. As with the job, I don't know how to ask her for these things without applying pressure. Its something shes going to have to do on her own.

How do I be with her 24-7 (as suggested above by saying 'the doing your own thing needs to stop) and give her time and space?

I have signed up for 3 sessions with a DB coach. All three will be just me for now. If we get to a point where she is ready to work more actively, I will ask her to join. For right now, I think we just need to settle down and get a few weeks with only positive interactions between us? Again with the pressure, how much is too much. Obviously I am willing to work on this with everything I have but trying to get that same commitment out of her has backfired on me over the past few months. I don't know if thats a sign that she's really not ready to work or that I just need to take things a little more slowly. Right now, I am opting for taking things slowly. If that doesnt work, I guess I will have to re-evaluate.