2.25 Years, Moving Forward

[adinva]

Hi! I'm doing fine. I'm reading more than I'm writing lately, and out living in the real world more than either of those, which is a healthy change of focus for me.

I really enjoyed the financial seminar last week, got some motivation to take a look at my financial separation terms, and then went back to status quo of getting around to it. Plenty of other stuff to do, always!

I bought S15 an iphone because his phone and his ipod both needed replacing, and because he's a good kid and I wanted him to have it (and it was on sale, and he helped pay for it). Next day, H made a snide comment in passing to me about the data plan but did not say a complete sentence or begin a conversation, so I didn't worry about it. Day after that, S15 asked me if I'd talk to H because H had texted S15 that he (s15) has to pay $40/month for his data plan. S15 had responded that he thought H should talk to me about that. Since he did not approach me, I initiated a text to H letting him know that if he wanted to discuss my phone bill with me he could just ask me, and that I did not tell S15 he had to pay for his data. H wrote back a condescending message beginning with "You both need to understand that..." I responded OK thanks.

However, after further thought I need to paint the bigger picture that H should not be making unilateral decisions about things in my household; he needs to discuss his wishes with me and he needs to respect that after considering his input I may still make a different decision. (This is my IC's suggestion. It's more mature than blowing off H's whining. And considering the potential value in a bully-ish reprimand requires more strength of character than simply being oppositional, and is how I would rather role model for my kid.)

Basically, the way he came out of the gate about *my* phone bill brought out the old oppositional habit. Always something to work on.

We've had a couple of neutral email exchanges about bills and car insurance and mundane stuff like that, and he's staying at the house while I go on a business trip next week. He wants to come watch some of an out-of-town lacrosse tournament we'll be at this weekend. He invited S13 biking last weekend but S13 declined. He moved to a nearby town at the beginning of August and none of us has seen where he lives. I don't think about him much.

I have been working very hard at some fitness goals I finally decided to take seriously; this is taking up a lot of my time and mental energy. I feel some pride of accomplishment. There's been a lot of activity around family coming in from out of town to spend more time with my mom. Her cancer is apparently gone? in remission? and her Alzheimer's seems to be ok for now. She acts very sweet and childlike. I know my dad is doing a ton behind the scenes, which is how he wants it. I'm still plugging away at the guitar.

Things with S15 have calmed down a lot. If the kids are getting drunk or high it is outside my house, and I'm not seeing evidence of it. That's an improvement. The chewing tobacco, well, it's still around. No one has snuck into or out of the house at 3am since I don't know when, mid-summer? We're doing drivers ed.

I had a huge emotional response to what looked like a setback in S15's sport, viz which team he got selected for. I had a little cry (on my own), worried about him being disappointed, talked to another of the moms, and then dialed myself way back and asked the asst coach how he thought best to frame the decision for S15 in a way that was encouraging. Got some good advice to not read anything into it. S15 turned out fine, good things happened, and I learned I could have skipped all that emotional stuff for the same outcome. But what I was stressing over was how to be more like a dad for him when that was what he needed at the moment. I had to get my head in the right place. I think it will get easier, if I can learn to chill out.

I'm working with S13 on his anxiety and school issues. He's being mentored by another dad in the scouts so has renewed interest in getting qualified to do high adventure trips.

I'm feeling good about being separated. I wish I could go to the dad store and get my kids an involved dad, and that is one thing I have some sense of regret about. For me, I'm in a better place than before and don't feel much pressure to do anything regarding H. Eventually, yeah, the finances need to get figured out.

I didn't turn myself into a younger more beautiful Good Housekeeping certified relationship expert, so I may not be a wife only a fool would leave, but I do try to work a bit every day to ensure that I really like and respect who I am. I think that's good. Whether this husband or any other would leave me is on them, lol! I'll be fine.

I still think of myself as DB'ing. By that I mean I'm giving H all the space he wanted and more. I'm authentically doing fine and taking good care of myself and the house, boys, and dogs. I'm open to meeting him where he is, or in other words feel less bound to old toxic dynamics between us and feel more capable of handling what used to be hurtful, but he seems reluctant to interact with me much. (Let me try that again: I mean that I feel like I hit a giant reset button and I don't resent him for what happened). I'm pretty sure we'll end up divorced but I no longer think of him as being the big meanie who did it.

More than you asked, but it was time for an update.

I'm often reading you here too, and following along, sending good thoughts. Thanks for popping my thread up to P1!