on the edge...

[dingo]

Ive posted a couple of times in the past 4-5 days and am still waiting for them to show up but here is the update as of this morning:

Yesterday as we were driving in to work the conversation drifted to the relationship again. There was no arguing or convincing or any of that but I made it a point to tell her that, although I am trying my tail off, it is very difficult for me to keep things between her and I moving in a positive direction when the affair is still happening. I realize that this isnt good DBing and I should be ignoring the affair but it is honestly how I felt and wanted her to understand that. She said she would think about things, would probably end the affair and would let me know that night on the drive home.

When she came to pick me up, I was upbeat and positive and didnt ask any questions about us or her decision or the affair. We laughed and joked a bit, planned out dinner and decided to watch a couple episodes of Breaking Bad after we ate. Things were fine all night but strangely enough, something in me seemed to change. I didn't have to fight the overwhelming desire to kiss her, have sex or otherwise have some physical manifestation of our intimacy. I was content to just sit on the couch next to her and watch TV. I did kind of feel a calmness about the situation. However, when i thought about the affair and the fact that she had spent the night with him just two nights ago, i was still very angry. This anger was different than the past though in that it didn't cause me to have an intense need to talk about it. She was pretty normal, a little flirty, a few pet names/inside jokes, etc and I responded to them positively but not overly so. When we went to bed she said goodnight to which I replied. We usually kiss at this point but she didn't approach and I didn't push. Then a few minutes later, she said 'did i say goodnight to you yet?' In a friendly way I said, yes you did hun, patted her leg, said goodnight again and rolled over.

This morning as she was getting out of the shower and I was getting in, she mentioned that I forgot to ask her about her decision yesterday. I told her that I figured when she had something to tell me, she would. She then told me that she had decided to end the affair and give us another chance. I told her that I was happy that she had made that decision, thanked her and gave her a hug. Then i told her that for the next few weeks I just wanted to keep every interaction between us positive and hoped that she could do her part to help with that. She agreed, gave me another hug and then we continued to get ready for the day. As we left the house, I noticed that she had put her engagement ring back on. She has never taken her wedding band off but the engagement ring had been off for about a week.

So - she has decided to come back to the marriage before and its never stuck. What I understand now is that it probably hasnt stuck because of my reaction. Before I thought that just her making that decision meant that she was committed and we were immediately back to where we were a few months ago - ready to plan our future together, have sex again, have a kid, etc. Now I understand that we're exactly where we were a few months ago but a few months ago, we were not where I thought we were. Like I said above, my goal for the next few weeks is to be even keeled, do plenty of things for myself, be there for her and do things with her but not overly so and above all, no arguments, no relationship talk and no OM talk.

To answer some of your questions sandi, she works with the OM and sees him every day. They have a very small office (10-12 people). She has told me in the past that when she has told him that they have to stop seeing each other that he respects that. The words were something along the lines of 'he loves me, respects what I want and just wants me to be happy' to which I am sure I reacted to in a negative way. I doubt that this is the case and through snooping her phone had discovered evidence that he was pursuing her. This time I don't plan on asking her anything about him - whether she told him it was over, what his reaction was, etc.- nor will I snoop her phone (I actually haven't in over a week now).

For now, we have stopped seeing the MC because it was usually during these sessions that things turned from positive to negative. She would seem to be fine all weekend and then just prior to our Monday session she would get all stressed out and the divorce talk would start all over again. We kept our time slots and will take each week as it comes and decide whether we want to go together, separately or not at all.

I don't know how to impose the accountability on her until she is ready to accept it. Before and at our MC's suggestion, she was supposed to tell me if she had any personal contact that wasn't work related and in return, I wasnt supposed to ask her about him. That was pretty early in all of this and we both failed miserably. At the time, I couldn't make it to lunchtime without calling her and asking.

We did not see the counselor before I knew about the affair. Neither of us has seen him separately yet.
I don't know what the definition of a solution-based therapist is.
No plan has been set up since the initial one that failed. As of our last session, we were concentrating on letting things settle down a bit.

Again, right now, I don't think its wise to push her for accountability but at the same time, it certainly would help out a ton in keeping things positive between her and I. Any suggestions on how to approach this with her? Should I just let it lie for a bit? Other than during the work day (which I can get through just fine now), I can tell when they spend time together. Odd schedule, unaccountable time, strange answers to questions, etc. Maybe just see how things go for a week or so?

Don't worry Sandi - the baby is completely off the table for now.

Some positive signs in all this maybe?