So, the way I see it, is that you have a choice here. You can continue to allow the affair to be part of your lives, and if you do, it may hinder her feeling comfortable being intimate, or you can begin to try to leave it in the past.
This is how I try to look at life. Everything that happens, every life event, contributes to who I am and to my life story.
You can try to see that her affair was something that happened and is part of her lifestory. While it was heartbreaking for you, it has brought you to where you are with your marriage.
What you need to try to do is see that it was a catalyst to address some things that were wrong in the marriage.
He is not important in the grand scheme of things. He doesnt matter, really.
What matters is where you are on your journey and where you want to see your journey go.
You can continue to think about the affair or you can let it go. Thats not to say you will ever forget. But, if you continue to hold onto it, you give it power. You give it life. When you let it go, it dies. It no longer has control.
When that happens, you get control. Take back your power, sweetie.
100% True!! My 2 month A became part of our M for 5 YEARS. He had way to much power in our lives and the aftermath almost wrecked our M forever. I know it is hard to let go, and making the decision to let it go does not mean all thoughts will go away, so remember to journal or talk to someone other than your wife. Do you really want OM in your M?
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It went really well. Hopefully we make some progress from here. To sum it up. Wife said to me in counseling that she doesn't want to open up to me because its never a enough. I want to continue talking and get as much out of her as I can. I do this because she rarely opens up about her feelings so I keep pushing for more. Wife then says if I dropped stuff then maybe she would open up more, to which I said if I drop things then will you continue conversation at another time? She said she believes so. We shall see, but it was definitely a breakthrough of us both understanding the communication problems
I get her on this, my H wanted to talk about EVERYTHING and it got to the point where it was such a turnoff I didn't want to talk about anything. Accept what she is willing to give and there really is a good chance that in time she will open up more without you having to pull it out of her. Some of the time, if you take a little while to think about it you probably won't need more conversation on a topic; if you do, ask her a week or two later to discuss it a little more.
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Member
Registered: 02/12/13 Posts: 765 Ok! So the shuttle launched again tonight! Haha 2 problems though. I was breathing really hard and out of breath. And because of that I started to compare myself to OM. Weird I know, but I was self conscience of how hard I was breathing and I could tell it was effecting W. so of course I started wondering. I mean even during sex she said I need to quit smoking. We both smoke. This is it. I felt like why would W want to have sex with man he is breathing so hard that he is almost out of breath.
I am sure it is normal to think about OP during sex, I remember thinking about OW and I know my H thought about OM based on conversations. Next time make a joke about it; "Geez, I was going to suggest we stop for a quick smoke but I guess that's a bad idea". (Something funnier would be even better!) Humor is a very sexy quality! Glad to hear you are giving up smokes though!
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Also change things up in bed, if you feel yourself getting winded then (with a sly look on your face) roll over and pull her on top
Also sexy, esp if you have the right look because you are taking control and that is a turn on (in the right situation, not in every part of life!)
M 46 H 44 D 12 S 8 M 9 T 11 BD 2/15/13 "Makes sense to stay together" 5/12/13 Agree we are 'healing' 7/13 Definitely Piecing 9/13
W and I have been doing really well lately. Commutation is getting better and better. I am getting better at not bringing OM and past up. I have begun a journal on my phone for that as well as a calendar of our "intimacy" We are closing on a new house this afternoon. Really excited about that.
M 37 W 30 S 7 Together 10 years Married 9 years BD: 12/12/12(W filed same day) I moved to apartment 1/11/13 W and S moved to MIL 1/11/13 Peicing: 6/3/13 Reconciled: 7/2013 BD2: 4/20/16 still working on it
Woohoo! We closed on the house and will begin remodeling some things soon before we move in. This is a big step in reconciliation process and gives me a lot of faith in wife and that she wants this and wants it to be forever. I say that because house was bought cash with sale proceeds of previous house. The previous house was in her name only and I received nothing had we divorced. This house is in both of our names. It says a lot to me about her confidence in us. Happy day
M 37 W 30 S 7 Together 10 years Married 9 years BD: 12/12/12(W filed same day) I moved to apartment 1/11/13 W and S moved to MIL 1/11/13 Peicing: 6/3/13 Reconciled: 7/2013 BD2: 4/20/16 still working on it
Thanks LTH and AS! I really appreciate it. We had our MC appointment today and it was the best yet. We have set appt every Tuesday at 3pm. I really like that. The MC is really starting to get W to open up with her emotions. My wife is crying, laughing, smiling all the same time. My eyes are so open to things she shuts down about and how my verbal abuse caused a lot of her to bottle up and hold it all in. It's really eye opening. We are doing EFT couples therapy and its just the beginning. But I'm really excited where we are headed at the moment. On another note, OM is not happy that his friends have become such good friends with us. He told them them, "why are you hanging out with them. She is crazy" the husband said he told OM, "yeah, she was crazy at the time. She definitely wasnt herself with you" lol I thought that was funny. My wife made friends with them and I am glad she has. We hang out every other weekend. We are even taking a couples trip next weekend. Husband even asks me for some marital advice and tips on how W and I got to that point. I told him do not put your marriage on auto-pilot and do not take your wife for granted. Read 5ll and find out what her language is.
M 37 W 30 S 7 Together 10 years Married 9 years BD: 12/12/12(W filed same day) I moved to apartment 1/11/13 W and S moved to MIL 1/11/13 Peicing: 6/3/13 Reconciled: 7/2013 BD2: 4/20/16 still working on it
M 37 W 30 S 7 Together 10 years Married 9 years BD: 12/12/12(W filed same day) I moved to apartment 1/11/13 W and S moved to MIL 1/11/13 Peicing: 6/3/13 Reconciled: 7/2013 BD2: 4/20/16 still working on it
I am still on moderation so this should show up in a week or two :-)
M46,W41 D16,D18 M22,T25 BD 11/12 W moved out 01/13 Piecing 10/13 Divorced 01/15 "Whether you worry or not has no affect on the outcome. But, moving forward, letting go, and making changes can." UrWorthy
Thanks JP! I see it, so maybe you are off moderation. It's definitely been a long journey for sure. One of the best feelings actually happen today. A couple friend of ours is having some problems an we can see that they are getting close to were we were before we separated. We have been giving them some advice and it feels really good to help. I am telling this to you because I saw where you wrote you work come back to just to help others. In doing so, you can help yourself a lot. Believe in yourself JP and you will get thorough this no matter what. I call what we went through our "stop-gap" and my wife calls it "her moment of temporary insanity" It's funny that I can laugh at that now
M 37 W 30 S 7 Together 10 years Married 9 years BD: 12/12/12(W filed same day) I moved to apartment 1/11/13 W and S moved to MIL 1/11/13 Peicing: 6/3/13 Reconciled: 7/2013 BD2: 4/20/16 still working on it
