Thank you, again, Accuray. And, I LOVE the whale analogy...exactly how I feel!!!

I was taking time away from here, this past week, to think about what I really want/need.

Six days later, I can honestly say that I still don't know and that's frustrating.

My H and I had a really great day last Thursday. We hung out, watched TV, played with the kids, laughed, joked, talked. He was more like the "old" H. We had a really good day.

Then, Friday and Saturday, he went right back into full crazy mode, without any change on the way I was handling things. He didn't even come home from work on Saturday morning because he was mad at me. He did come home Sunday morning, after work, and he was better.

Sunday afternoon, we watched a football game and again, hung out and just had fun. We teased, flirted, joked around...and he went to work happy, again. Yesterday was also a good day. He even hugged me, voluntarily, before he left for work.

So, where I'm headed with all this, is that my feelings about my marriage change day to day. When my H is behaving more like the "old" H and is nice to be around, I think we have hope. He even asks me stuff about our R and we can talk calmly about issues. He's always been very private and won't talk about stuff that's bothering him BUT lately, he opens up more on our "good" days' He asks what he can do to help me feel better about us, etc.

On our "bad" days, I feel like it will never get better for real. I feel like we'll just keep cycling forever. I know I don't want to ride this roller coaster forever. My own emotional health suffers when I allow my moods to be affected by his.

I'm working very hard at NOT letting his moods (good or bad) affect mine.

I'm just so confused about what to feel. I want this marriage to work...for us, for my kids....we've invested a lot of time and love into this and have a lot of good stuff there.

But, then the "what ifs?" hit me and I wonder if it will be like this forever with him so up and down. The good days are so worth it...but are the bad days worth it?

So, I'm just updating today because I don't know what I feel. I do know that I've made some improvements this week.

But, I do know I need to work more on that "must have" list Accuray told me to work on...and I need to work out a clear road map (as urworthy mentions often). At least, then, I'll have some definite goals to work toward.

And, yes, my H definitely NEEDS counseling to deal with his family issues...whether he'll ever see that or not, I don't know.