Questions without answers...I'm tired of asking.

[albamarie]

My h goes back and forth from one day to another, not always remembering each new comment. There are days when he is saying there is no R between us, he sees no future w/me and he will not come back to the M.

Other days he says I am the reason he hasn't left, I am everything he should need and want, he doesn't want to loose me. Conveniently, he most often remembers the neg comment, or at least own up to those more.

He told me he wants to be home, with me, he won't call ea. Tue he went to her bar to buy her a bday drink. Wed, we are broke up, not in a R, he's ready to leave that moment. By eve, he's running down the list of why I am good for him, declaring he won't see or call her again.

What hurt me the most when he came back from EA was that he and I had not talked for 4 days. We were at a nice friendship level, and she called using a different #. When he answered and said "bad timing" instead of don't call me, it changed the dynamics of our R, and we both went NC all 4 days.

I explained to him my hurt comes from the fact that he allowed me to be disappointed in him, he made no effort to talk about it or approach me. After all the talks we had, and the declaration that he will not talk to her, he actually stopped talking to me and went to her.

''Why is it ok if I don't talk to you''? You go against your own word and go to her on her bday? Why is it ok for me to turn away, be disappointed, but you wouldn't want to let her down. Plus, you don't even know when 3 out of 4 of the kids bdays are, and it took you 20yrs to get mine correct.

Is this DBing, probably not, but I am so tired, I can't turn another cheek.

He has only the same answers, she is horrible but he is able to get his rebellion out when he's with that crowd, he feels no aches or pain, and he's not depressed. It's not her, it's the act, and at times he needs the act more than he needs his family so that's why he risks it all.

He's not ready to loose either side, but hears me say I am going to take over the sitch and he will be forced out. He said he will go as far as threatening the $$$ if that's what it will take for him to not be pushed to her, he doesn't want her like that.

Again, he says let him be and use him for the $$$ and ignore his assholism. That's the best of himself he has to offer. He's not having relations, he's having a beer and a smoke and at least he came home.

I know everyone reading this site gets it...I feel like the biggest looser in this R. Like I am getting nowhere and I have no control over my own M. I miss happy wife, happy life! I first heard that out of Seals mouth, well he divorced her too.

I'm beyond GAL, I need get a future. With hope and happiness and everything nice. When will this nightmare end? I'm ok with D, but seriously, I'm afraid of the new doors of MLC it could open.

I look forward to my trip to Long Island on the 28th. Dinner anyone? I will be alone that night, that's ok, it looks like the beach is not too far from the house.

[Portia]

Dawn

You face some difficult choices.

I have to say I don't blame you at all for feeling like you want to be done. At some point the happy or contented past no longer sustains us and we find that we are loving a ghost.

Sometimes the ghost then texts us out of the blue. But sometimes the ghost refuses to gain back its substance.

Dawn please know that we support whatever decisions you need to make for you.

[nero]

hey hi-

hold on man- i can hear your frustration in your voice- THAT CRAPPOLA - ALL OF IT- THAT'S THE DBING... imho - swallowing alllllll of it- til you personally have a better life in place- have a better "plan" if you will (even if it's a financial plan) - a "plan" in the sense of a different life to go to when you leave this one. my slant is all about YOU- TAKE CARE OF NUMBER ONE- LIKE THEY'RE DOING... HAVE DONE...

really take the final leap and chance and walk the hell out only when YOU HAVE WHAT YOU WANT IN THE WINGS WAITING FOR YOU- YOU BEGIN TO BUILD "THAT". a life, a job, a man, whatever "that" is for you. the thing that is "better" - maybe i'm sounding very darn self-serving here. maybe walking out and being alone is better than what you've got- i'm not so sure about that- you know me and the financial worries thing.

SO- ONE OF MY FALLBACK "PLANS" - IF i'm toooo lonely for words and need to get out. i do not want to hang around bars- i have a very morbid fear of alcoholism and drink (dead sister- violent ex h) - get a part time job at lowes or home depot at nites - meet everyone in the world passing thru the checkout- why not??? it's not "beneath" me. or it could be a bookstore- but that might be harder since less around- or none... or the local all night food store- why not??? i'm askin ya? i have no image in life- so not a bother who sees me or thinks whatever. i just do not care about that.


maybe i do not love this guy anymore- maybe it's "habit" and so on. idk dawn- honestly. linda says get him in a clinch and give sex a whirl. had him in my arms one nite- didn't want him- no interest AT ALL in kissing his face or touching him. wtf is that????? when i just left him at the airport- i didn't even want to look at his face. every single time he walks out that door- it's "leaving me" and that is that. i can't get past this- he hugged me tight and said he had a good time- all i could muster is "i'm glad". i didn't even say i did too (and it was very nice to travel and have a relatively "Normal" companion for a change) - i didn't want to look into his eyes- i don't think he realizes i feel what i do- how detached from him i feel - and how "too little - too late" i feel at a moment like that.

inside i was thinking- YOU BIG JERK- WHEN YOU WALK OUT OF THIS CAR- YOU WALK OUT OF MY LIFE. your f'ing choice - NOTHING neutral or OKAY OR GOOD ABOUT IT- YOUR CHOICE TO GO HAVE SOMEONE "BETTER" IN A LIFE THAT IS "BETTER" - GO F YOURSELF. TA da - inside my brain this is. i'm getting very excellent at this stfu stuff- question is? how badly and vastly does it change your insides to have to do this with someone you loved and thought loved you????

does that make sense??? this is what i've kind of come to here- myself. i may not be walking out- but my "heart" feels less ripped open at the moment- i'm feeling and getting (and i'm sorry to say it) empty feeling lately. just left him at the airport- felt rather "quiet and unwilling" to communicate in car- just not "feelin" "it" with him. i don't have the old desire to chat or share or feel stuff for him. his trip - don't give one f about it. his feelings - same; his life - same. he just acts like the world is all normal -

In the car he even was resting his hand on my knee - even has been more like "normal affectionate somewhat" past week or so- know what????? doesn't seem to touch me.

something inside is just withering away before my very eyes. it does not seem within my power to "fix" anything here.

i can exist and continue the ride - and NOT SAY ANYTHING. MY BIGGEST exertion - not just saying scram.

no kidding- BUT i think to cover our own butts(hearts) totally- we're suppose to be just riding along.

i view it as very threatening that your H is admitting he'll hold $$$ over your head.

i swear- i feel so sorry your h is so willing to "share" his mean feelings and crappola- today i'm having that insight listening to you. i can't imagine hearing this "S" over and over and over. no wonder you're at your wits end. poor you- i will shut the heck up about wishing my h would talk- maybe i'm lucky he hasn't. the few rotten things he's said in the past few years - in beginning "fight" stage- i still remember- they used to cut so badly- now i think - well, you know- fu buddy. i hope i'm not "ruined" forever in the trust or love dept. ya have to wonder if the changes in us are just self-defense and reversable.... fingers crossed

it will be good to meet up when you come on down-

i'm going to tidy like mad- maybe even get the garden more decent- it's all quite a mess around here - wild jumble of "stuff" - in my house, in my garden, in my life, in my head and certainly my family. i'm so sick of everything & everyone. i don't like being alone so much- but i can't stand almost everyone- nice huh?????.

i just feel that given the fact i don't like living alone really- (i do okay- i just don't prefer it) - 1 week out of 4 is pitiful but still more than nothing. he IS some sort of wierd security blanket and i know it - even tho realistically- he's just not here (for me) most of the time. it's allllll his life and him.

your H too- can you merely view him as a sort of WALLPAPER to your life??? IF HE CAN MERELY exist in your space and be something that will pay your bills and be in the background as long as you need him for a rock- CAN YOU TURN THE TABLES HERE- get the heck out of the house- job, volunteer, whatever it takes to get around people more and more??

i got a call from school and couldn't do it- since baby here- BUT WAS MIGHTY glad to know i'm at the top end of her list (only second week of school- so not many out and she called ME ) woo hoo.

it makes me remember how key this is to my mental well being at this moment in time. the knowledge that i CAN GET OUT and am worthwhile to them - useful for something other than my faimly's toerag

i think i have something to "give" in this job. it's dopey and presumptuous of me i'm sure- however, i feel it. i can think of a kid and now or then when you dispense some "good news" to some incorrigable little rat- and see the pleasure when they get to hear someone saying something like - you've got alot of personality- use it for "good" luke- resist the dark side.

they get it- it's very small stuff , but it's something worth note, however tiny. i totally can be the purveyor of good news in life- to almost anyone. people need it- i need it for goodness sake.

oh well- sorry for rant. i'm sorry to hearing you so despondent- and i'd be bummed too-

i feel the same way- no matter what sort of good time we have- he leaves and goes "to her". which is how it all feels. i know he can't be with her 24-7 - but somehow he's made me feel this way.

like my stupid sister (that used to be my fav. and good friend - who now HATES ME!!! AND GLAD SHE SAID IT! - wtf is going on with HER???) anyway- this H, who used to be my fav and said back when i discovered what he REALLY WAS " i don't love you & never will- we don't have a future - i will never marry you or anyone- " - it all just sits there in back of my mind.

they both have screwed up their R with me soooo badly- i can't fix any of that- how they feel- they can figure it all out and they can just figure out how to fix it with me- or it will never be fizxed. i'm worn out and done here.

so- is that good dbing??? you and I both have truly embraced the whole "you didn't break it- you can't fix it" thing.

THEY ARE ON THEIR OWN JOURNEYS- I can't believe your h even says that- i do believe - but find it so hard that he flips and flops saying both that he can't do without you and can't see a future with you.

i should probably be thankful my h doesn't talk about feelings- he has said things so amazingly stupid and childish and simplistic- i swear- it makes me wonder how such a bright man can be such an emotional embryo - he cannot realize for one second i think how much he should bebegging me to stay and even know him.

oh well- exhaustion setting in and it's only 8:55 am - pretty outside so i'm heading to garden a bit- to attic, to cellar (pins for a craft show my other sister is doing- something to sell) an so on. lots to do and even feeling enthusiastic- so see- improvement.

OUR LIVES WILL GO ON_ WE WILL GO ON- I'M EVEN HOPEFUL (tho doubtful) that we'll learn to trust ANYONE (for me) again- not too sure about too soon on that- hence our need to have these dopey guys around keeping us afloat while we gain more momentum- and find our feet- our jobs- our lives - our NEW LIVES

I AM A HOMEBODY- homeproviding woman- BUT I'M A HELL OF ALOT MORE ALSO- now you are too- we need to get the heck out of the house and find the rest of us - (the additional dimensions to our lives we've just ignored or not needed really- for so long. now we do need it-= we do need more people- and no body is going to deliver!!!

you and i , my dear , need to get out butts out there in the universe and find our own new circles of connections and so on.

that being said- i'm out to garden and find the darn pins- i promised. then go lug my mother out of her bed - see what the heck is up with her today-

and get on with it- you can do it- you already feel the detachment - NOW capture your mercenary side- USE HIM BACK- USE HIM FOR THAT "ROCK" YOU NEED (EVEN IF FINANCIAL) TIL YOU EITHER REALIZE YOU ACTUALLY DO STILL FEEL LOVE FOR HIM- YOU ACTUALLY DO NOT..... we're still standing so we've got 'SOMETHING" GOING ON-

YOU DON't even need to know what it is today- just plunge forward taking care of dawn today- put him out of your mind.

the more we rehash it in our heads - the more it controls us and makes us miserable-

okay- moving forward

xxoo

[job]

Dawn,
I am so sorry that things have not improved in your situation. You've tried everything, but actually packing his stuff up and sitting it on the front porch. September 1st has come and gone and he knows that you will not put him out. He knows you and what he thinks you will or will not do.

You can rationalize w/someone who has their head in a fog. It's frustrating and the more you try to talk to him, the more frustrated you are getting. You have several choices: 1) pack his stuff up and boot him out; 2) continue to live under the same roof, but understand that it's going to get worse before it gets better and you will need to find a way to accept him for who he is today and live like roommates; or 3) move out yourself, which I don't advocate.

Dawn, take the time away next weekend and truly think about what you want. You can't continue running on the hamster wheel because you aren't getting anywhere but round and round. The stress is going to start taking its toll on you and none of us wants to see you get sick. It's time that Dawn decide what she wants and needs to be happy, even if it means doing a totally 180 and dropping the rope completely and your ship and his continue to pass in the night.

Please, please take care of yourself. I'm very concerned about your health.

[LoisB]

On the lighter side... "Assholism" is my new favorite word!!!

Dawn,

Sounds like you need a sabbatical from all this to gain some clarity. I've been feeling the same. Last weekend, we went to visit my daughter at college for the day and did a little shopping and enjoyed the time away from home. It helped me to step away from the sitch. It's been a week and I'm feeling the tension creep up and then I don't make good decisions. It weakens me.

I'm going to do some pampering of ME this weekend. I hope you do too. :-)

Love,


Heather

[albamarie]

Thanks Snodderly and Heather.

I did go as far as packing his stuff at the door, days before my deadline, when he was struck and very sick. He wasn't really worried about the stuff, and his illness was very real. Was there some kind of divine intervention, are my prayers being answered, did I not have faith that it is in His hands so He stuck him down, or did he just eat a rotten taco after work?

I can't rationalize anything about this, I know that, but it is not helping me to know it, just as nothing else is helping either. I am getting away for the weekend, but I am also I am going toward something, not sure, hopefully me.

~~~~~~~~
These certainly are some trying times. Is this worse or is this just different?

H not working has really set this on a tailspin. I was coming to terms with an A, then and EA, then the realization that I may be ready to move on bringing my sitch to a head with asking him to leave.

Quitting his job has set him on a different path. He seems to have created a new avenue for his crises to explore and be very angry about. It's almost a new platform from which to keep going deeper into MLC-land.

I live with a man who is completely hopeless, without hope. Who is learning from his own crises how to live with it, using it to his ability and in his favor. Different from the man who runs around drinking and having A's. Deeper, more calculating and more likely to become a learning tool for who he will be as a man, good or bad, in the future.

What does this mean for me? I too need to live with purpose. Different from his approach, and expectations, but the outcome doesn't seem to be all that different, though he fights life, age, home, family, I don't see how our outcomes differ, he is alive and life will demand from us what it will.

This turn feels more real, no crying, begging, no shouting, throwing, none of that OMG my life is turning upside down and I must react NOW! If feels like we are really touching on things that will make or break more than just us, but the future of who we are, even as individuals.

I don't feel equipped on how to handle this next step, with him or for myself. Is this a step, a phase? Are we done and we're bot just stuck? Can we find a way back to a R from the ground floor. Neither one of us are in L, nor are we moving away.

[AJM]

Albamarie, I was listening to some program on the radio the other day. One of the things it talked about was what made a marriage work. The author strongly emphasized it was not "love" that makes a marriage work, but rather committment that makes it work - the H being committed and the W being committed. Hopefully at the same time

Can we find a way back to a R from the ground floor. Neither one of us are in L, nor are we moving away.

I think several people on these boards, and many that I've known outside of this cyber-land, would emphatically argue - you couldn't build it any other way. If it wasn't completely torn down, you'd have ghosts of the old town to contend with.

Often, it's when we feel least equipped that we learn to trust outsider of ourselves. We let go and let God; why would we do it differently if we "felt" we knew what we were doing? LOL

Peace,
AJ

[albamarie]

Thanks for sharing AJM.

In some weird way, his own way there is some kind of commitment, to what I am confused. He is committed to working for the family, keeping our house that he resents, food on the table. Today he said there is no you and me because there is no me, I'm trying to loose myself.

Then in the same sentence he says, you have me I will aways be here for you.

I don't even understand myself too much, no way I can get where he is coming from, but so far there is a commitment, to what, I don't know.

Let go and Let God! Yup, that is all I have.

[AJM]

albamarie, that committment may be all that is keeping things going right now. Kind of like being on heavy seas and looking at the lighthouse. In some ways, you are that lighthouse right now.

He's giving you the clues. He feels lost. He feels committed. He is kind of self-aware but doesn't know why the problems. He's blaming you, the house, his life, the cat... but he also knows it's not those things. That's a lot to deal with, no?

But if he doesn't understand, there's no way you stand a chance of understanding. At least you get that

It's funny how it works. Sometimes I get the feeling my ex is trying to re-integrate me into her life somehow. It's way too late in my case, for that. But it's like she doesn't want to face her actions (yet..seems to be changing in small ways) but is still lost and doesn't know why. Just that she wants to blame me. I would guess that's better than feeling so lost you go numb. Kind of like trying to eat cereal while sitting on the ceiling; you'll look for anything to make your world "right side up" but all along you know something's not right. No matter what you convince yourself of.

Don't try to understand him, rather you can understand the bigger picture. And you can understand commitment and a belief he'll get through it. And hopefully you'll still be there.

That's how I read what he's telling you and what you are saying.

Peace,
AJ

[mizjjd]

Albamarie,

I live with a man who is completely hopeless, without hope.

Me too. The commercials only show people looking sad when suffering from depression. They should show the anger, how the depressed lash out and act out to their families.

I don't feel equipped on how to handle this next step, with him or for myself. Is this a step, a phase? Are we done and we're bot just stuck? Can we find a way back to a R from the ground floor. Neither one of us are in L, nor are we moving away.

I think you'll be okay. Remember how much you have already come through, how much you have already learned. You are stronger than you know.

Keep the focus on you. And keep praying.



Take care.