Actually the reality is probably quite different- your W is not at all happy about the sitch and is certainly not proud of her actions. She feels very hurt and is doing this out of desperation. She feels she has to do this to survive. She is constantly battling herself over whether this is right or not. Try to have some sympathy for her (I know that's a big thing to ask for, but if you can get there then you will experience significant growth through forgiveness), she is hurting as much as you are even though she may not show it.
I can see what you are saying with regard for my W. I know she is hurting and that she is conflicted with her decision. I believe you are right when you said she feels she needs to do this to survive.
I am internally angry that she is depriving our children from growing up in a home with two loving parent. Externally though, I show her as much warmth and kindness as I can. It is difficult sometime when she instigates arguments or tries to push my buttons.
People have said to me that I am handling this crisis way better than they could have. I just tell them that I understand, better than most, what she is going through e.g. MLC/WAS. I don't hold it against her. Its something that she feels she needs to do. I know, (from this forum and many books), that this is a journey that she needs to go through on her own.
I can see why the main issues she is holding against me upset her so much. Mainly financial problems, now exacerbated by attorney's fee's.
She also says I have lied to her too many times. That one took me by surprise. I don't feel I have lied to her at all. I believe she has misunderstood some things that I have told her. Those misunderstandings are what she is interpreting as lies. When I try to explain her misunderstandings, it comes across as defending myself. And we all know that is not the protocol.
As far as closing the door to our M and R. I am at the point where the door is closed on that chapter of my life. At least that is where my head is right now. For my sanity, I have to shut the door on our M. The hoping and praying have helped me get through the crisis. Hope is a very powerful thing but, I need to distance from that hope and get on with my life for my sake.
That's not to say I have locked the door on our M. Just gently closed it. I do still love her for some reason. Maybe its more accurate to say that I loved who she was but, I do not love who she has become. I don't even recognize the person she has become anymore.
She works very hard to convince herself that I am the sole cause of this D.
On a positive note, she appears to be trying to become more amicable towards me. It has only been this way for the last two days but, it nice to see her treat me with some sort of respectfulness.
Anyway, thanks for the responses everyone. This forum has helped me through THE most difficult time in my life. I thank you all for helping me see MLC for what it is. Knowing that there is nothing that we can do to expedite our MLCer/WAS's through this has helped me find my patience.
Like they say, Its not our fault but, it is our problem. I know I have not been the perfect husband to my wife. But I also understand that nobody is perfect.
Alright, enough rambling for now.
Have a great Sunday and may you favorite football team win today!
I got home from work late last night. This morning, our kids wanted me to take them to school. W said no to that. This is the third or forth time that she has stated that I cant take the kids to school. She said that the bus makes a special stop in front of our house so Carson must take the bus.
I pleaded my case to W, to let me take S9 to school. She was adamant that he take the bus. I finally told her that she was being rediculous and that I was going to drive S9 to school. D4 said she wanted to go with S9 and me and also that D4 wanted me to take her to school. W said no and D4 was disappointed.
There was no reason for W to not allow me to drive the kids to school. She is just being negative for the sake of being negative I guess?
BKS, I just read your current thread, and I would not ask W. I would TELL her. From what I read, she's been controlling and demanding and trying to get under your skin.
Bus drivers get paid regardless where they go. Stop pleading your case - if W bellyaches, say, "I'm sorry you feel that way", grab your kids, and leave. You don't have to be a jerk or rub it in her face, and it's almost guaranteed she'll throw a fit, especially if she's sees she's losing control. But if you do it in the proper manner, she'll soon lose that stance.
I got threats all the time of taking the kids, getting all my money, etc, etc - never panned out, so ignore any of that.
I am in the beginning stages of D so I don't know really what to expect with regards to who gets what. I do know that alimony and child support are a given. Just not sure what to expect with regards to our property etc.
My attorney says one thing and hers says another. Time will tell I guess.
I got home from work late last night. This morning, our kids wanted me to take them to school. W said no to that. This is the third or forth time that she has stated that I cant take the kids to school. She said that the bus makes a special stop in front of our house so Carson must take the bus.
I pleaded my case to W, to let me take S9 to school. She was adamant that he take the bus. I finally told her that she was being rediculous and that I was going to drive S9 to school. D4 said she wanted to go with S9 and me and also that D4 wanted me to take her to school. W said no and D4 was disappointed.
There was no reason for W to not allow me to drive the kids to school. She is just being negative for the sake of being negative I guess?
I agree with Jon, I wouldn't ask her, I would just tell the kids yes and then go ahead and do it. Not only is not her place to tell you that you can't drive your children to school, how does it make you look to the children when W says no and you allow it? No more pleading on this one, take charge!
M 46 H 44 D 12 S 8 M 9 T 11 BD 2/15/13 "Makes sense to stay together" 5/12/13 Agree we are 'healing' 7/13 Definitely Piecing 9/13
She has recently started telling me that the reason she is leaving me, is because of all the lies that I have been telling her. She has called me a liar in front of the kids on several occasions. I told her that I to stop calling me a liar in front of the kids.
I said to her that what she may think are lies, are her misunderstanding what I am saying. She cognitively distorts most of what I say and puts a negative spin on it. I believe she does this so that she can convince herself and everyone else that she has good cause for D.
I think she is also trying to get me to react negatively towards her or be lured into an arguement. I don't take the bait and that frustrates her more.
What do I say to someone who is acting this way without coming across as defending myself?
What do I say to someone who is acting this way without coming across as defending myself?
You validate. I can almost hear you screaming "BUT SHE CALLED ME A LIAR!!" However, just remember that validation is NOT agreeing. It is also not arguing/ reasoning/ disagreeing/ explaining/ negotiating. It is simply acknowledging her feelings. She calls you a liar, you say "I understand why you feel that way, that sounds frustrating. Is that how it makes you feel, frustrated?" Notice that you did not agree with her that you're a liar, in fact you aren't even discussing the content at all, you're discussing how it makes her FEEL. Do you see the difference? If you say "I am NOT a liar, and don't ever say that in front of the kids again!!!!" It will just lead to an argument. But validate, and it will calm her down and may even get her to open up about her feelings which is the real goal. You won't believe how effective it is until you try it!
