BC39.....The fight for my marriage continues

[BC39]

I don't believe it is. I, too, had to 'try' to get back into my M, and it took a long time. This was after years of 'trying' to ignore my loneliness, 'trying' to accept that my M wasn't what I wanted or expected, 'trying' to believe that my H cared about me when everything said he didn't. It took years for me to give up on my M, I couldn't jump right back in just because H realized he loved me and wanted to be together; I had to work really hard at it and it wasn't easy, so I chose to TRY.

I know, you're right. She has to "try" before any feelings may come back.

Even though she was amazing during this time, do you understand how hard it must have been for her? For all of those years, she 'tried' to make your M work even though her needs were not being met. (I know, a S cannot meet all of your needs and happiness has to come from within, however, there is a reasonable expectation that your S will meet SOME of your needs and a great deal of them most likely were not being met because of what you were dealing with). I am sure she did not like attending all events alone and making excuses for why you weren't there, etc.

It must have been tremendously hard for her, this fact is not lost on me. Things in this regard have been MUCH better for the last year.

The fact that she is 'trying' to make your M work means that there is part of her that isn't ready or willing to give up yet. It took years for your M to disintegrate and she tried to keep it together so please do not be offended that she is 'trying' to put it back together.

Again, I know you're right.

I'm guilty of impatience at times. (I save the venting for here)

It's been a year and half since BD, and she's said she's had these feelings a year previous to that. So she's felt this way for 2 1/2 years.

I'm stating the obvious, and I know it could take a long time... but it's hard.

I made a transformation emotionally and physically over a year ago. I'm a much better version of the person she was "in love" with not that long ago. But that wall is still up. I know its not that simple, I just wish it was.

Then I read this and remind myself to stay patient:

The happiness loop ran through my head for years. It took a long time for me to decide I needed to move on instead of putting all of my needs aside to remain in a M that wasn't meeting any of them. It also took a long time for me to believe that things could be different enough for them to be met in that same M. The LBS needs to understand how long the WAS took to become a WAS, how hard it was to reach that place and why they find it hard to believe things will be different. The LBS looks for things to be better a lot faster than it will be and they have a hard time understanding why it is so hard for the WAS when they have changed so much. The reality is, it takes almost as long to come back (if not longer) than it did to finally give up and emotionally leave your M.

A lot of insight here

What you must remember is that two people doing the same thing will have two different experiences. You don't agree because it isn't your experience; that doesn't mean it isn't your wife's experience of the same situation.

Very good point.

Hopeful gave you great advice. You may think you are doing what W needs and you may be missing the mark so coming right out and asking her lets her know you are trying. I hope you have done this or will do it soon

We did discuss this (and other things I'll discuss later) this weekend.

She said she feels during a lot of our conversations she feels like she's talking to a friendly acquittance.

I asked her who she felt she didn't have "surface convo's" with. She said her family. When I asked her "how so?", she said she felt like she could be "more herself" with them.

This really surprised me, and I want to say that can't be true and I want to blame some of it on her WAW thoughts, but two people share different experiences right?

It is hard trying to figure out your life and what decision to make. I know when I didn't feel differently right away, and each time H would do something that reinforced my belief it couldn't work, I would question everything. I didn't have the same energy for life because thoughts of 'what should I do' 'will this work' 'do I want to stay' occupied almost every minute of day. H told me many times he thought I was depressed, and to some extent I was. Working things out internally changed that and I feel completely different. If your W is struggling with what to do with your M and her life, this would be normal to some extent. I didn't want to be bothered with a lot of stuff because I didn't have the time or patience for it. I only had the time and patience for my friends who 'understood' me and that I could talk to about everything. Being in limbo is no easier for the WAS than it is for the LBS.

Again, great insight here.

I am compassionate for what she is going through, and have told her so.

..........

Thanks LTH, your insight from the other side is invaluable to me.

W and I got into a R talk over the weekend. It came up after she backtracked on going to RetroV as I suspected she would.

I'll give more details when I get another couple minutes...