Turtle Goddess she of the hard shell soft

[mizjjd]

Thank you Snodderly and RL for taking time out of your day to stop by.

Always feels so good to know I'm not alone.

I had wondered after H's tantrum if he would speak to me at bed time. He is a talker by nature - if he's so upset that he won't talk I know things are really bad. It took a while last night but finally he opened with,

"Why is it your goal to antagonize me?"

and on the heels of that, "Why do you insist on turning S20 against me?"

I had been lying in wait for this, repeating validating mantras and occasionally "God don't let me F this up". So I was able to respond with "I'm sorry you feel its my goal to antagonize you. It really isn't, but I understand it looks that way to you."

And the talk was on. And OMG H is so very very depressed. He still blames everything on me but fortunately I am now able to sidestep that and see the agony he is in. Maybe that doesn't sound like an improvement, it certainly wasn't pleasant. But it was educating. And discouraging too, because it goes against H's nature to get help for this. As in, pharmaceutical help. He is sometimes open to the idea of talk therapy, but has never pursued that very far.

How sad. He is so not the man I married - or is he? Did the Limerence of our beginning camouflage his illness? Questions I may never get the answers to.

This morning he was still not friendly, but then sent me a text telling me where milk is on sale... lol.

I'm determined to not let my own life boat sink, but hearing H say that whenever he prays all he hears is a voice telling him to "end it all" ....

Have to run for now, take care